Tag Archives: Nantucket

Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter 3

Man, it’s been a crazy couple weeks.  I got sooooo much to tell you.

Coming back from Nantucket on my last voyage the time machine developed some weird electrical issues.  In the middle of the voyage the lights started blinking like a bad string of Christmas lights.

Not sure what was the issue, however, I got back in one piece.  After getting back I ran the time machine through a battery of tests and everything seems OK.

So, I figured what the heck, fire up the damn thing and go see how G., G., G., G., Grandpa Johnson is doing filling the orders he got in when we were last there.

Off we go – THhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppttt

Whoa, that was a bizzaro ride.  I am standing out in the backyard, behind Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.  Same weird light thing occurred during this trip.  Hmmmm, wonder what the heck is wrong.  Everything seems okay.  I am in one piece and I am where and when I set the controls for.  Nantucket July 18, 1825 – the date is important because it’s the Friday after my last visit and I want to see how Grandpa Johnson made out with those customer orders.

So I walk around to the front of the building and walk in through the open door.

“Hey there fella, how can I help you today,” asks Grandpa Johnson.

I stood there stunned, unable to speak.  Shit, something is very wrong.  The beautiful thing about the time machine is that it typically renders me invisible so I can move about the time I traveled to undetected.  Obviously, since Grandpa Johnson can see me, something went terribly wrong with the time machine.

“Ah, ah, I am not sure.  Just thought I’d take a look around,” I replied with a shaky voice.

“You’re not from around here are you?”  Grandpa Johnson asked.

“Ah, ah no, I am from the western part of Massachusetts,” I said.

“Figured you weren’t from here. 

“Where’d ya get those crazy clothes?  What are ya some kind of poor pirate?

“Oh, shit,” I said to myself.  Here I was standing in 1825, in Nantucket with a grateful dead tshirt on and bright green Crocs on my feet.

“Ah, poor pirate, not sure what you mean grandpa, I mean Mr. Johnson.”

“Well lad, ya got a shirt with some kind of weird skull design and your shoes have holes in them,”  Grandpa Johnson explained.

“No Mr. Johnson, I am not a poor pirate, this is a shirt for a musical group I like and these shoes are brand new and designed to have holes in them, for, ah, ah, for the water to run outta.”

“If that’s what you say, you’re welcome to look around, what’s your name?”

“My name is Pat and thanks for letting me look around.”

“So what is it you’re looking for, Pat?” 

“Ah, not sure Mr. Johnson.  I was intrigued by your sign out front and decided to wonder in.”

“Lot of people don’t know what to make of that sign,” Mr. Johnson said laughing. 

“I carved it out of a whale rib bone that was given to me by an old sea captain friend of mine,” said Mr. Johnson beaming with pride.

“It does catch ones eye,” I said laughing along with grandpa.

Note:  The sign was a six foot long carved phallus with the words:  Johnson’s – “Dildosytters of Nantucket,” carved down the length.  It might be one of the largest pieces of dildo scrimshaw ever.  I wonder if anyone has ever inquired about purchasing the monolith.  I’ll have to remember to ask grandpa that one day.

“Glad you like it, have a look around and let me know if anything catches your eye” replied Mr. Johnson with a chuckle as he retreated to the back of his shop to continue his work.

Christ on a crutch, what the hell am I gonna do now.  I know one thing, I can’t let anyone else see me.

As I look around I am amazed by the collection of dildo’s grandpa had amassed.  There are ones made from everything imaginable.  Every size too.  Long and short, fat and thin, some with weird gizmo’s on them and others, well, I am not sure where you’d put it and frankly, I don’t want to know.  Wood, bone, stone, plaster, metal and shell….you name it and Grandpa Johnson has a dildo made of it.

I slowly crept out of the shop and made my way to the back yard where my time machine was standing in the corner.

The time machine sort of looks like an exercise treadmill with a television bolted onto the front of it with way too many wires sticking out.

I walked over to the time machine and was fiddling with some of the wires when I startled by the sound of Grandpa Johnson’s voice – “what the hell is that thing and what’s it doing in my backyard?”

“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” I thought to myself.

“Mr. Johnson, I can explain it to you, however, we’re gonna need a couple hours and a bottle or two of rum cuz you ain’t gonna believe me.”

“Listen hear son, I got all the time in the world and I gotta nice bottle of Rum I received in trade for one of my dildo’s, yep , I think it was for the Whale Wand, so why don’t you start talking,” said Mr. Johnson.

To be continued…..

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Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter two

It’s been over a month since I used the time machine so I thought I’d fire it up and go visit great, great, great, great Grandpa Johnson on Nantucket to see what was new in the wonderful world of 19th century dildo manufacturing.

Off to the time machine.

Here we go……..ttthhhhhhhppppptttt………………………………..

Hehehe I am back in Johnson’s on Nantucket, hmmm interesting a one legged captain just came in.  What the heck does he want with Grandpa Johnson.

Captain:  Hey Richard, how goes everything.

Richard:  It’s going well Captain Bluenut.  What brings you out this way today.

Captain:  Well Richard, yar see I am goin on a whaling trip next week and I want to leave my wife something to keep her occupied while I’er away, if ya know why I’er mean .

Richard: Aye, Captain what did you have in mind?

Captain:  Well Richard, I’d like ya to take my wooden leg and make her a dildo out of it.  I just got me a new leg and thought it would be special if I used the old one to make her a pleasure toy.  Waddya think?

Richard:  Shouldn’t be a problem Captain Bluenut.  Anything special you want me to do when I am shaping it.

Captain:  Nah, Richard.  I’ll leave it in ya trustworthy hands.  Do ya think I could get it by Friday.

Richard:  Aye, Friday shouldn’t be a problem Captain.

Captain:  I’ll take my leave then.  Thank ya once again Richard, yars is a noble craft and I’er am proud to call yar me neighbor.

Richard:  Thanks so much Captain Bluenut.  Have a good day and I will see you on Friday.

After the Captain left Grandpa Johnson stood there for a moment looking at the well worn wooden leg before he moved to the back of the shop, obviously the area in which he crafted these fine instruments of Whaling wives satisfaction.

The back of the shop was cluttered with a variety of lathe like equipment.  All capable of turning any raw material into the finest of phallic fun sticks.  As I stood there watching Grandpa Johnson the bell over the front door rang and Grandpa Johnson quickly moved back into the retail area.

Aye, Seaman Adams, how are you today, asked Grandpa Johnson.

“I be well Richard, but I am in need of a present for my girlfriend Phyllis before I go out to sea again next week.”

“Well Seaman Adams, if a Phallus for Phyllis is what you’re seeking you came to the right place.  What is it you’re looking for.”

“I am most definitely looking for a phallus for Phyllis.  Something not to big or expensive.  You see my wallet is only a wee bit bigger than my robert thomas and I don’t want to set phallus expectations with Phyllis that I can’t fill.  If you get what I mean, Richard.”

“Aye, I totally understand Seaman Adams, Phyllis doesn’t need a phallus to fill her rather a phallus to pleasure her.”

“Exactly, Richard.”

“Well Seaman Adams, I have this little device over here called, “The Tempest.” 

 “It’s called the tempest because it does quite a job waking up the man in the little boat.”

It’s quite easy to use – simply have Phyllis grab the phallus in the middle with one hand and with the other hand she spins the handle on top making the end of the phallus that Phyllis  is holding gyrate causing the little man in the boat to wake up and take notice.

What do you think Seaman Adams.

Richard,  I think that Phyllis will love this phallus.  I’ll take it!

Damn, I am running outta time again, shit, I gotta go…..till next time….

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Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter One

I was doing some research on my family tree, you know that – where did  I come from shit.  Well I uncovered some crazy shit that I thought I should share with you.

 It seems that years ago my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandfather Johnson was living on Nantucket.  He was one of the sea-fearing Johnsons.  You see I come from a long line of folks (on my fathers side) who can’t swim and loathe the water – thank you mom for changing that with us.

As you can imagine, life on Nantucket was pretty destitute for someone who does not like the water.  It ain’t like today where you can open up a t-shirt shop and mark the damn things up 2000% and make a living.  Nope, not in 1825.  If you lived on Nantucket the sea was the source of your income and so, in a way it became a source of income for my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandpa Johnson.

You see, ol grandpa Johnson needed a way to make a living on Nantucket when he came up with a great idea.  Grandpa Johnson – Richard Johnson to his customers, saw a need and sought to fill it – so to speak.  Soon Johnson’s-Dildosytters of Nantucket was born.

With whaling ships going out to sea for months at a time, good old Dick figured out that those Whaling wives, or is it Wailing wives, could get pretty lonely and what better way to keep them happy until their whaling hubbies came home than with a custom dildo from Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.

So once I got this info I decided to set my time machine for 1825 dead nuts right in the period from 1800 to 1840 when Nantucket was considered the “Whaling Capital of the WORLD!” 

For those who are new to the othersideofthemirror, I invented a personal time machine that works amazingly well.  The cool thing is that when I get transported back in time, I am invisible to everyone in the era I transport myself to!  Wicked fucking cool!  The only bad thing is I only have 30 to 60 minutes of time when I get in the new time period.  I can go back or forward to that time period as many times as I want, but I can’t stay for more than 60 minutes.

OK, so I set the controls for the center of the sun (just kidding, a weird Pink Floyd reference) I actually set the controls for 1820.  OK, hold on here we go………………….tttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpppppt……

WHOA!  What the fuck!  Man oh man.  I just got back from 1825 Nantucket and I gotta tell ya it was fucking cool.

So when I first got there I went down and found  “Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.”  There it was, sitting right off Main Street. 

“Holy shit,” I thought, I wonder if grandpa Johnson is around.

I walked into the store (remember, conveniently the time machine makes me invisible to everyone) and sure enough there was grandpa Johnson only he wasn’t grandpa yet he was simply Richard Johnson, a strapping young man (no not strap-on, strapping) in his early thirties.

All around the store were glass cases that displayed a variety of nineteenth century dildo’s.  Shit I saw dildo’s that were made of a plaster like substance, wood, bone, even a few with scrimshaw on them. 

Richard was talking to a woman.  She looked like, well, a woman from 1820’s.  Lot’s of clothes on.  I got closer so I could hear their conversation.

Richard:  I know Mrs. Pollard that it’s a tough choice.  It really depends on what makes you feel best.

Mrs. Pollard:  Well Richard, George is going to be gone another 6 months like he was last time.  I am worried that I am going to whittle the wood one down like I did last time.

Richard:  Well Mrs. Pollard, if I recall, you had purchased the wood wanker and logged a ton of hours with it.  There is a new wooden one, it’s made from some beautiful wood I got in from southern India called ebony.  I have a couple over there I call the wonder wands – aren’t they beautiful with the inlay.

Mrs. Pollard:  Oh yes Richard, they’re beautiful.  What is the inlay?  Is that Ivory?

Richard:  Yes Mrs Pollard, the wonder wands are ebony and ivory (come on you have to laugh…wonder wands…ebony, ivory) hehehehehe

Mrs. Pollard:  Well Richard they look great.  I’ll take the biggest one you got!

Richard:  Great, do you want me to wrap that?

Mrs. Pollard:  That would be much appreciated Richard.  I have to go to the market next and really don’t want to be parading around with my new wonder-wand.

As Mrs. Pollard left the store I continued to look around when I remember my time machine.  Shit, I only got ten minutes of time left.

I hustled back to the time machine and reversed the switch and landed back in my office.

Man that was great.  I am definitely gonna go back tomorrow.

Next – Chapter Two – Class system – Whaling Houses and Dildo’s.

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