Interrogated by a gas pump (GP)

This is the actual “dialogue” between the Gas Pump (GP)and me

GP: Do you have a discount card?

Me: Yes

GP: Please slide your discount card now.

Me: No, can’t slide care. Choose to manually enter card number

GP: Enter card number

Me: Card number entered

GP: You have no discounts available

Me: Slide credit card through reader

GP: Choose payment type: Credit or Debit

Me: I choose credit

GP: Please enter zip code

Me: Enter zip code

GP: Authorization in progress

GP: Approved

GP: Would you like a car wash today?

Me: No

GP: Would you like a receipt?

Me: No

GP: Lift handle and select fuel type

Me: Lift handle and select fuel type

GP: Begin fueling

Imaginary dialogue between me and the Gas Pump (GP)

GP: Do you have a discount card?

Me: Yes

GP: Please slide your discount card now.

Me: No, can’t slide care. Choose to manually enter card number

GP: Enter card number

Me: Card number entered

GP: Ha, ha, you have no discounts available

GP: Choose payment type

Me: I choose credit card and slide card through reader

GP: What no cash? Please enter zip code

Me: Enter zip code

GP: Authorization progress

GP: Would you like a car wash today?

Me: No

GP: Would you like a receipt?

Me: No

GP: When was the last time you checked your oil? Please select: Today, one week, over one week, never

Me: Today

GP: Don’t lie. You did not check your oil today

Me: How the hell do you know that?

GP: I know everything.

Me: Bull shit

GP: I know everything. I know you just went to Barnes and Noble.

Me: How the hell did you know that?

GP: Duh, you just swiped your credit card.

Me: Shit

GP: To begin fueling please choose: Republican, Democrat or Other?

Me: What….no….fine – I chose “Other.”

GP: “Other” is not a valid

GP: Please choose: Republican, Democrat or Other?

Me: Ugh, I choose Republican

GP: Due to your political affiliation we have increased the price of gas by 20 cents per gallon due to the republican commitment to the use of military assets in the middle-east.

Me: Cancel selection

GP: Please choose: Republican, Democrat of Other?

Me: Ugh, I choose Democrat

GP: Due to your political affiliation we have increased the price of gas by 20 cents per gallon to cover the funding needs driven by your liberal public assistance programs

Me: Cancel selection

GP: Please choose: Republican, Democrat of Other?

Me: Ugh, I choose Other

GP: Due to your apathetic attitude toward politics we have increased the price of gas by 20 cents per gallon simply because we know you are not going to say anything.

Me: Fine….

GP: Lift handle and select fuel type

Me: Lift handle and select fuel type

GP: Begin fueling.

GP: Begin fueling. You should know – the zipper on your pants is open

Me: No it’s not

GP: Yes it is

Me: Shut up

GP: Powerade is two for one today in the convenience store

Me: I don’t want Powerade. I want gas.

GP: Don’t be so sensitive. You need fuel too.

Me: Thanks but no.

GP: The zipper on your pants is still open

Me: No it’s not

GP: I know. I just like fucking with you.

GP: Thanks for visiting us today and have a great day and pull up your zipper

GP: Hehehehehehehehehe

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1 Comment

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One response to “Interrogated by a gas pump (GP)

  1. back in my day the gas tank only talked to you after grateful dead concerts

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