Monthly Archives: February 2012

Fat equals Flavor

I am so psyched!  I am now officially overweight per the national BMI standard.  I have moved out of the obese stage and now I am considered simply overweight.  Yee fucking ha. The challenge is that to move out of the overweight stage, once again based on the national BMI standard, I need to weigh about 60 lbs less.  HA!  Yep for my height I should way between 155 and 160 pounds.  No, I am not 4 feet tall.  I am 5’10”.

So what’s the secret?  Duh, burn more calories than you take in.

I’ve started exercising 4 to 5 times a week, practicing portion control and the hardest part – limiting my alcohol intake.

I do have to admit that low fat food sucks.  Low fat equals little taste.  Just like low impact aerobics translates to little effect.

I was at a new bistro in the area the other day.  Did you know that the definition of bistro is small, unpretentious restaurant?  Now that’s a joke.  These days a bistro is the petri dish for pretention.  It’s where value goes to die.

So I sit down and order the burger for $12.  It’s made with meat that comes with one of those grass fed, free range, massaged by loving hands, killed in the most peaceful manner, blah, blah, blah descriptions.  The burger comes out on a cute little roll.  Oops, sorry that should be brioche (bistro speak for a fucking bun).

The burger is cooked perfectly medium-rare and it is topped (for a buck more) with a piece of cheddar cheese.

I bite into the burger and immediately notice that it is devoid of flavor.  Zippo, nadda, not an inkling of flavor.  That’s when I realize that we have it all wrong.

We have all these places who are trying to serve us healthy burgers.  Guess what?  We are ordering a freaking burger, we know that it’s not healthy.  If we wanted healthy we’d order the fucking salad with the bbq tofu wedges.

When we make that choice of a burger we want flavor.  Cooked meat fat flavor.  We want a bun not a brioche.  The bun needs to absorb the juices from the burger and favorite condiments and maybe some bacon and sauteed onion juice.  The bun is the first line of defense, sort of like an edible napkin.

If I want to make the burger healthy I’ll put tomato and lettuce on the damn thing.  I also want the meat to have a least 15% fat.

Folks, fat equals flavor.  Trust me, as I am busting my ass on the street. mountain trail or in the gym it’s not to be able to wear jeans with a 30 inch waist.  It’s so I can enjoy that succulent cheeseburger.

By the way, it should be against the law to label any mass of beans and soy etc….as a “vegetarian” burger.  It’s not a burger. If it is made of hamburger it’s a burger.  It’s a vegetarian sandwich or patty or group or congregation….it’s not a burger.

So if you ever happen to be in the happy valley of massatwoshitts I’ll give you a hint.   There’s a great little cafe that for under $5 you can get a cheeseburger special (lettuce, tomato, raw onion and mayo) cooked to order (has to be medium rare)  that is simply the best.  You bite into the burger which is hand-formed out of fresh meat that is so good and addictive it has to be laced with heroin (in a good way).  As you bite into the burger the juice from the meat starts to saturate the hamburger bun (true bun) soon the bun is reduced to four dry spots where your fingers clutch at the burger holding it together.   Note:  you never put the burger down for two reasons:

1.  It will fall apart under the pressure of the meat love juice

2.  For fear that someone at the table that is already finished with their burger will steal the rest of yours

Only when are you done do you pick up that pint of Sierra Nevada.  You break out into a wide grin as you set the half empty pint glass back on the table and you notice your hamburger grease finger prints on the side of the pint glass.  That’s when you lean back and think life is great.

Damn, now I am longing for a burger.  Damn, damn, damn….


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