I drove by a sign the other day that got the better of me.
The sign read, “ANNUAL SPORTSMAN CLUB HAM SHOOT.”
Ham Shoot, what the hell is a Ham Shoot?
I can see it now……
First….what type of camo-gear do you wear to hunt ham? Do I dress as some other barnyard animal? Do I slather myself in honey or mustard and then roll in cloves? I know, maybe I’ll grab a pineapple or two and secure them to my body. A ham would never run from a pineapple. Never.
I grab the Winchester.308 rifle from the secure gun closet, my custom made leather ammo belt with 100 rounds tucked safely into it and head out to my pickup.
Damn, I forgot, I don’t have a pickup truck. So I head out and get into my Toyota Prius. Yes that battery powered wonder car capable of going from zero to sixty in about a week and a half.
I jump in and head off for the Ham Shoot. As I head down the road I figure I might as well stop and get a coffee and some chew. I mean, come on, it wouldn’t be a Ham Shoot without some chew.
I pull into the convenience store, run in and grab a black coffee and a tin of shredded beef jerky chew and head back to the Prius.
What? You have a problem with beef jerky chew? Sorry but I can’t stand that smokeless tobacco product. The last time I put a wad of that in my mouth I was dizzy in about 15 minutes and then nauseous the rest of the day. I figure walking around the woods hunting ham is not a good place to be dizzy.
I arrive at the Sportsman Club thinking this is going to be an interesting day. Maybe I’ll be hanging out in someone’s tree stand waiting for an unsuspecting ham to wander by or maybe I’ll be tracking the some ham hocks through the denseNew England forest.
I go over to the recon board where this morning’s reports are highlighted.
Damn, there is ham everywhere!
According to the report:
- A large pack of Smithfield’s were spotted about a mile away in a field
- Elusive spiral ham tracks were seen by the river
- There are random sightings of the solitary and vicious or is it viscous canned ham all over the area
- Rare prosciutto were spotted sunning themselves near the mountain
- And last but not lease there is a herd of wild smoked maple hams near the summit of the mountain.
So with my rifle over one shoulder, my custom leather ammo belt around my waist, two fresh pineapples bungeed together and draped around my neck like a fruit lei and a pocketful of synaptic provocateurs, I head off into the woods to get me a ham. No not Mia Hamm, get me a ham.