Monthly Archives: September 2009

While I am at it

One more thing on this fine Friday morning in central New England.  So here I am shaving this morning and notice a wee little hair protruding from one of my nostrils.  So in my infinite wisdom I grab tweezers and move to yank out the little fucker. 

Well, that was a big mistake.  How the hell did I know the hair was connected to the back of my optic nerve by kevlar reinforcing lines.   Sure enough I go to pull it out and just as I give it a good yank it slips out from tweezer grasp.  It slips out, but not after first pulling my optic nerve halfway outta my head and causing me such pain that both of my eyes teared up.  OUCHIE!

Great, so now I still have this little fucking nose hair sticking outta my nostril, tears running down my face and an optic nerve that is really pissed off at me.  I have no choice but to attempt to make the pull again.  So with great trepidation I make my move.  Damn this is gonna hurt.

I repeat the process and this time I get the little bastard.  However,  again it goes with a fight and tears are running down my face again and there is a pain deep in my head that really, really fucking hurts.

So what did I learn today – clip it don’t rip it.

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Fall Classic Reprised

Below is an original post of mine from October of 2007.  Based on a few animated conversations with friends I thought it would be appropriate to update it for 2009.

The Fall Classic – nope, I am not talking about the World Series of Baseball.  Nope.  I am talking about the Fall Classic.  The championship of championships.   The only sport that encourages the use of performance enhancing drugs, is violently opposed to dog fighting, supports all efforts to decriminalize the use of David aka Mr. Puff Puff and is still in search of that corporate sponsorship and ESPN coverage.  I can see it now – signs all over the 1970 Sport Fury from our sponsors –  Ez-Wider, Oreo cookies, Lays potato chips, Stone Brewing Co., Greenflash Brewing, High Times.  Shit, for the right coin I have no problem selling out. 

I’d love to hear the commentary on ESPN.  They could have the dudes that do Nascar races cover the Fall Classic.  Shit, it would be more interesting than talking about cars making only left turns for 5 hours.

It could go something like this:

Daryl:  Well then Brad it looks like Nick has taken a more aggressive position since he was handed the keys to the car from Pat.  Nick inherited a line of 5 cars behind him and he has already increased it by 3.  He does have to be careful because at 42 miles an hour in a 50 MPH zone he is quickly moving into that neutral speed activation range.

Brad:  Well Daryl, I think you’re full of crap.  Pat had a fine run going and the only thing Nick has done is fog up the windows and …..

Daryl:  HOLD ON NOW BRAD, I think Nick just spilled his Greenflash IPA – if so that is a 10 point deduction for alcohol abuse.

Brad:  Holy Jeebus Daryl, I think you’re right.  Let’s go back to the slo-mo replay and see if some of that fine Greenflash IPA actually tumbled from the cup and into Nick’s lap.  YEP, I can see it clear as day Daryl….

I could go on…… 

Before we kick off the Fall Classic we need to acquire a few things.

First is a big ole car from the 1970’s.  You know one of those cars from a time when Buicks were cool.  Actually, I am not sure Buicks were ever cool.  There are a lot of decent choices.  The Chevy Impala or Caprice are noble choices as is the Ford Galaxy 500 series.  My choice is the 1970 Plymouth Sport Fury GT.  Why the Sport Fury?  Cuz it’s the embodiment of all things american.  Shit, it had enough metal in it to build 4 or 5 Subaru’s.  It’s one of the largest two door coupe’s ever produced and was powered by a 440cubic in. engine capable of producing 390 horsepower.  This engine also generate 490 ft. lbs. of stump pulling torque.   Plus there were less than 700 of them built!  Less than 20 had the “6-pack” option (3 dual carburetors)  vrooom, vrooom.

It was almost 18 feet long (think Chevy Suburban) and over 6 and a half feet wide.  In this instance, size does matter.   It makes a fucking Hummer look like a Geo.  Plus, it’s great, great, great grandma was the 1958 Fury which was Stephen King’s Christine.   Talk about a bitchin car…..

OK.  We got our car.  Next we need some big ol’ fake glasses and a gray or blue haired old lady wig.  Also, as recommended by my my friend Nick, we need some baubles like a pearl necklace (don’t go there), maybe a strand or two of Mardi Gras beads or maybe a fine “Easter like” bonnet. 

Finally, the Fall Classic would not be complete without a cornucopia of synaptic provocateurs for the ride.

Here’s the game.  We load up the car with stuff for the weekend and put on our wigs and glasses to complete that “Leaf Peeper” look and then head out to the back roads of New England to terrorize all those folks looking at the foliage….we’re gonna leaf peep the leaf peepers.   

Here’s the skinny – you got this huge fucking car that, when the accelerator is depressed to the floor, will generate enough torque to rip your head off  right off your fucking shoulders.  The car is the key.  You will use it to create a rolling road block.  Nothing better than slowly cruising up route 103, 5, 100, 4…etc. in Vermont with a funeral parade of cars behind you and some great tunes flowing out the windows. 

Hehehehehehehehehe.  

The scoring is as follows:

1.   You get one point  for every car that you can get stuck behind you.  You get 2 points for every car stuck behind you if your speed is less than 25 mph.  If you get more than 10 cars stuck behind you there is a 2x multiplier for every next car that ends up stuck behind you.

2.  For every car that tries to pass you that you speed up and block from passing you get 10 points.

3.  If a car passes you successfully it’s minus 5 points.

4.  Every time someone beeps the horn at you, you get a point.

5.   Every time some one flips you the bird you get 2 points.

6.  If you get pulled over by the police and escape with nothing more than a smile and laugh you get 100 points.

7.  If you get pulled over by the police and get a ticket (not sure for what) you get minus 25 points.

8.  If you have to stop and pee and anyone passes you lose 1 point per car.

9.  If you have to stop and pee and leave the car in the road blocking anyone from passing, you get a 20 point bonus.

10.  If by chance a car of elderly males pulls up and asks you to have a drink you win automatically.

11.  If you are within 5 miles an hour of the posted speed you enter the neutral speed activation range in which you score no points for adding cars behind you.

12.  Any spillage of beer or droppage of David results in a 10 point scoring deduction.

You alternate driving every 2 hours.  The first driver to 200 wins.  The length of the game is until it is over.

Game starts next weekend…gotta go car shopping today….heheheheheheh

YEEE FUCKING HA!

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