Crutch this…..

Yuck, it’s taken me a better part of a day to clean the Nemex off my computer.  The good news is that it worked.

Yesterday I read somewhere that I better do something because my computer was full of worms or maybe it had a worm.  I don’t remember.   I figured I had two choices, rip the computer apart – pull out the worms and go trout fishing or do something to kill the worms. 

As I sat there pondering my next step Otis (the leg breaking dog) jumped onto the couch and proceeded to put his head on that little button in the corner of my laptop that makes it think I closed the screen, thereby sending my computer into hibernation.

Hibernation, that’s kind of a funny concept for a computer.  It would be cool if upon awakening from hibernation the laptop would have two little laptops with it, or maybe a couple MP3 players.  But no such luck.

I push the magic hibernation button thingee again and all of a sudden, like a grizzly bear hungry from a long winters nap my computer springs back to life, returning me, to this page.  At that moment I have a brain storm, I know how to rid my computer of the worms.

Grabbing my crutches I make my way out the door and pause for a moment,  looking down at the 5 steps I need to successfully navigate to get down off my deck and to my truck.   Stair navigation on crutches is not the easiest thing in the world for me.  You see, even though I was an athlete growing up – wait that’s a little bit of a stretch – lets try that again. 

You see, even though I played sports in my youth I never possessed great balance.  If I put anything thicker than the sole of a shoe or sneaker between me and the ground things get a little iffy.  Whether it’s a ski, a snowboard, roller blades or ice skates forget it, I am going to go down like one of Spitzers cheap ho’s.  Actually I guess they weren’t so cheap.

So balancing on two metal poles supporting all my weight on my hands, wrists and forearms on the top step with 5 more to go is not a place of comfort for me, I get that weird tingling feeling in the back of my head even though it’s only 5 feet to the ground.

You know that tingling feeling.  The one you get in the back of your head when your peering off a cliff or building ledge that is really, really high.  You know that weird woozy voice in the back of your head that says, “it would really suck to jump or fall from this height.”  That voice that says, “why the FUCK are you looking over the edge, back up now you FUCKING idiot.  Yes, that voice.

Shit, trying to navigate on the damn crutches on flat ground is a big enough challenge.  I flash back to a few weeks ago.  I am at this restaurant when nature calls.  I get up from the table, make my way to the men’s room, open the door and proceed inside.  Not two strides inside the door my left crutch hits a wet spot and decides to kick out like some double jointed dysfunctional Radio City Rockette.

Rather than putting weight on my broken leg I am left with no other choice than to slam my ass on the floor.  There is nothing, I repeat nothing worse than sitting on the floor of a men’s room when you are sober.   

As I begin the trek down the stairs I remember that the key is to keep your weight slightly forward.

WHOA, forward is wrong. 

Way fucking wrong.  

Way, way, way fucking wrong. 

What the fuck is wrong with my brain.  I should know that weight forward, going down the stairs is a bad thing.  Very bad.

It like giving Dick Cheney a loaded shotgun.  Bad, bad, bad, bad.  Weight forward is for going UP the stairs. 

I am a complete moron.  Luckily I correct my thinking before I go head long down the stairs. 

Lean a little back, keeping my weight slightly behind the bottom of the crutches.  Slowly, step by step.

Perfect, like one of the Flying Wallendas I manage to get myself to the bottom of the stairs in one piece. 

I climb into my truck with the destination being the pet store to get some dewormer.  Shit I figure if the stuff works for dogs it has to work for my computer.  I get to the store and buy a  gallon of some Nemex which is supposed to be great for getting rid of worms. 

I get home and proceed to soak my laptop in it for a few hours.  I then drain my laptop and put it out in the sun to dry for a few hours and like magic all the worms are gone. 

The only side effect was that when my laptop thought I wasn’t looking I caught it dragging itself across carpet, rubbing its DVD player on the floor.  Weird.



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3 responses to “Crutch this…..

  1. Meredith

    Good one! Happy April Fool’s Day!

  2. Happy April Fool’s Day to you. For the most part I’ve been on my best behavior…so far…..

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