Monthly Archives: April 2009

I am listing to one side

I am updating an old post (from February 2007), for a friend.

Well almost updating it, first up is walking Otis the Wonder Dog outside for his morning pee and poop.

Me walking Otis is not a pretty sight.  Actually Otis walks me in the sort of way a boat drags it’s anchor across the bottom of a lake or ocean.

Wow, what a morning here in the Pioneer Valley.  It is already 74 degrees yikes.  Hold on, what’s that sound, yep it’s Al Gore voice echoing through the trees. 

Is there anything better than sitting out with that fresh cup of coffee listening to the world come alive on a glorious Sunday morning.   The smells of the morning are amazing including the fresh Otis poop – better outside than in the house.

I am sure you all know someone who is a list-giver.  You know the person who manages their expectations of people through the distribution of assignments organized in columns via hardcopy (paper) or email.  I envy such people. 

I envy their ability to be that organized and that precise.   I think my world would be easier if I could become one of these people because I still have way too much to do. 

One of my many problems is that the simple activity of making a list of what needs to get done is exhausting.  The thought of having to put together a list usually paralyzes me into non-activity. 

I just can’t put together a list.

Well that’s not true, I can put together a list, I just don’t feel like putting together a list at this moment or any moment in the future. 

A wise friend of mine once said of procrastination, “Why do today what you may not have to do tomorrow.”  I love that thought.  Unfortunately I have found my friends guidance a wee bit, how shall I say, misguided.  You see, when something ends up on the “to do” list it never, ever ends up on the “you don’t need to do it” list.  

Last week I had a significant setback to the attainment of completing said lists, yes, I had to fire my third shift.  Not because of any slowdown in the economy or the non arrival of TARP or stimulus package funds.  Nope, I had to fire my third shift because they didn’t do shit.

That’s right, they didn’t do shit.  

Every morning I woke up and nothing on my “to do” list was done, NOTHING.

Lazy, that’s what they were, just plain lazy.  

Unless I am around to motivate them they spend all night lounging about drinking beer, ingesting any synaptic provocateur they can get their hands on and chasing lime green Lemurs while giving Paris Hilton a piggyback ride.  Ughh!  

So now I have to hire a new third shift.  The training alone is going to take me forever. 

I just finished putting together an on-line advertisement for the team and yes Mike E I am saving the Supervisor job for you.

Wanted – multi-talented figments of my imagination to work on my personal “to do” list while I sleep comfortably in bed.  Compensation is commensurate with experience.  Apply within…..

How cool would that be – your own personal third shift.  You know a team of folks that will pick up the slack and work on your personal list of things to do while you sleep and dream about your “don’t need to do it list.”   

Is there such thing as a “you don’t need to do it” list?  Hmmm, I like the concept.  You compile the list during the day of things you don’t need to do and then at the end of the day you can check them all of as not being done.

What a satisfying way to end the day.  Everything on the list would not be done.  The ultimate sense of achievement.  I just started my list for today:

Sunday -You Don’t Need To Do List

Paint the dog
Mow the carpet
Shave the neighbors cat
Bury nuclear waste in backyard
Run the Kentucky Derby
Carve a idol god
Rake the bathtub
Find my lost skull and bones tree house key
Make a concrete canoe

Wow – I am feeling better already!  I haven’t done shit and already have gotten a lot accomplished.

 Gotta go, someone just applied for the third shift and my subconscious wants to interview them ASAP.




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I am Iron Man

Where is Ozzy when I need him.  Damn.   Hey Robert Downey Jr., piss off (just kidding).  For those who don’t like rock and roll when rock and roll was rock and roll don’t click on this link.  for the rest of you.  Click on the link and enjoy because it’s live from Paris in 1970 – when it was still rock n’roll. 

I am Iron Man!


This is the xray of what they put into my leg.  Rock on.  I AM IRON MAN!   Check out that hardware.

Got an A+ from the doctor late today and as of 4:30pm, April 1 I could begin to bear or is it beer weight on my leg.  Yee Fucking HA.  The recovery process has taken a MAJOR step forward.  I have my first PT appointment on Friday  and am ready to kick significant recovery butt.

Trust me, I know it is going to be a long process, however, it’s another big step in the recovery process. 

I even got a transitional bootie.  It sort of looks like something Madonna would wear.  At least it meets all the criteria…it’s black, has laces and supports a part of my body that otherwise couldn’t support itself.

Off to the races….watch out

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Crutch this…..

Yuck, it’s taken me a better part of a day to clean the Nemex off my computer.  The good news is that it worked.

Yesterday I read somewhere that I better do something because my computer was full of worms or maybe it had a worm.  I don’t remember.   I figured I had two choices, rip the computer apart – pull out the worms and go trout fishing or do something to kill the worms. 

As I sat there pondering my next step Otis (the leg breaking dog) jumped onto the couch and proceeded to put his head on that little button in the corner of my laptop that makes it think I closed the screen, thereby sending my computer into hibernation.

Hibernation, that’s kind of a funny concept for a computer.  It would be cool if upon awakening from hibernation the laptop would have two little laptops with it, or maybe a couple MP3 players.  But no such luck.

I push the magic hibernation button thingee again and all of a sudden, like a grizzly bear hungry from a long winters nap my computer springs back to life, returning me, to this page.  At that moment I have a brain storm, I know how to rid my computer of the worms.

Grabbing my crutches I make my way out the door and pause for a moment,  looking down at the 5 steps I need to successfully navigate to get down off my deck and to my truck.   Stair navigation on crutches is not the easiest thing in the world for me.  You see, even though I was an athlete growing up – wait that’s a little bit of a stretch – lets try that again. 

You see, even though I played sports in my youth I never possessed great balance.  If I put anything thicker than the sole of a shoe or sneaker between me and the ground things get a little iffy.  Whether it’s a ski, a snowboard, roller blades or ice skates forget it, I am going to go down like one of Spitzers cheap ho’s.  Actually I guess they weren’t so cheap.

So balancing on two metal poles supporting all my weight on my hands, wrists and forearms on the top step with 5 more to go is not a place of comfort for me, I get that weird tingling feeling in the back of my head even though it’s only 5 feet to the ground.

You know that tingling feeling.  The one you get in the back of your head when your peering off a cliff or building ledge that is really, really high.  You know that weird woozy voice in the back of your head that says, “it would really suck to jump or fall from this height.”  That voice that says, “why the FUCK are you looking over the edge, back up now you FUCKING idiot.  Yes, that voice.

Shit, trying to navigate on the damn crutches on flat ground is a big enough challenge.  I flash back to a few weeks ago.  I am at this restaurant when nature calls.  I get up from the table, make my way to the men’s room, open the door and proceed inside.  Not two strides inside the door my left crutch hits a wet spot and decides to kick out like some double jointed dysfunctional Radio City Rockette.

Rather than putting weight on my broken leg I am left with no other choice than to slam my ass on the floor.  There is nothing, I repeat nothing worse than sitting on the floor of a men’s room when you are sober.   

As I begin the trek down the stairs I remember that the key is to keep your weight slightly forward.

WHOA, forward is wrong. 

Way fucking wrong.  

Way, way, way fucking wrong. 

What the fuck is wrong with my brain.  I should know that weight forward, going down the stairs is a bad thing.  Very bad.

It like giving Dick Cheney a loaded shotgun.  Bad, bad, bad, bad.  Weight forward is for going UP the stairs. 

I am a complete moron.  Luckily I correct my thinking before I go head long down the stairs. 

Lean a little back, keeping my weight slightly behind the bottom of the crutches.  Slowly, step by step.

Perfect, like one of the Flying Wallendas I manage to get myself to the bottom of the stairs in one piece. 

I climb into my truck with the destination being the pet store to get some dewormer.  Shit I figure if the stuff works for dogs it has to work for my computer.  I get to the store and buy a  gallon of some Nemex which is supposed to be great for getting rid of worms. 

I get home and proceed to soak my laptop in it for a few hours.  I then drain my laptop and put it out in the sun to dry for a few hours and like magic all the worms are gone. 

The only side effect was that when my laptop thought I wasn’t looking I caught it dragging itself across carpet, rubbing its DVD player on the floor.  Weird.


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