Monthly Archives: April 2009

I am listing to one side

I am updating an old post (from February 2007), for a friend.

Well almost updating it, first up is walking Otis the Wonder Dog outside for his morning pee and poop.

Me walking Otis is not a pretty sight.  Actually Otis walks me in the sort of way a boat drags it’s anchor across the bottom of a lake or ocean.

Wow, what a morning here in the Pioneer Valley.  It is already 74 degrees yikes.  Hold on, what’s that sound, yep it’s Al Gore voice echoing through the trees. 

Is there anything better than sitting out with that fresh cup of coffee listening to the world come alive on a glorious Sunday morning.   The smells of the morning are amazing including the fresh Otis poop – better outside than in the house.

I am sure you all know someone who is a list-giver.  You know the person who manages their expectations of people through the distribution of assignments organized in columns via hardcopy (paper) or email.  I envy such people. 

I envy their ability to be that organized and that precise.   I think my world would be easier if I could become one of these people because I still have way too much to do. 

One of my many problems is that the simple activity of making a list of what needs to get done is exhausting.  The thought of having to put together a list usually paralyzes me into non-activity. 

I just can’t put together a list.

Well that’s not true, I can put together a list, I just don’t feel like putting together a list at this moment or any moment in the future. 

A wise friend of mine once said of procrastination, “Why do today what you may not have to do tomorrow.”  I love that thought.  Unfortunately I have found my friends guidance a wee bit, how shall I say, misguided.  You see, when something ends up on the “to do” list it never, ever ends up on the “you don’t need to do it” list.  

Last week I had a significant setback to the attainment of completing said lists, yes, I had to fire my third shift.  Not because of any slowdown in the economy or the non arrival of TARP or stimulus package funds.  Nope, I had to fire my third shift because they didn’t do shit.

That’s right, they didn’t do shit.  

Every morning I woke up and nothing on my “to do” list was done, NOTHING.

Lazy, that’s what they were, just plain lazy.  

Unless I am around to motivate them they spend all night lounging about drinking beer, ingesting any synaptic provocateur they can get their hands on and chasing lime green Lemurs while giving Paris Hilton a piggyback ride.  Ughh!  

So now I have to hire a new third shift.  The training alone is going to take me forever. 

I just finished putting together an on-line advertisement for the team and yes Mike E I am saving the Supervisor job for you.

Wanted – multi-talented figments of my imagination to work on my personal “to do” list while I sleep comfortably in bed.  Compensation is commensurate with experience.  Apply within…..

How cool would that be – your own personal third shift.  You know a team of folks that will pick up the slack and work on your personal list of things to do while you sleep and dream about your “don’t need to do it list.”   

Is there such thing as a “you don’t need to do it” list?  Hmmm, I like the concept.  You compile the list during the day of things you don’t need to do and then at the end of the day you can check them all of as not being done.

What a satisfying way to end the day.  Everything on the list would not be done.  The ultimate sense of achievement.  I just started my list for today:

Sunday -You Don’t Need To Do List

Paint the dog
Mow the carpet
Shave the neighbors cat
Bury nuclear waste in backyard
Run the Kentucky Derby
Carve a idol god
Rake the bathtub
Find my lost skull and bones tree house key
Make a concrete canoe

Wow – I am feeling better already!  I haven’t done shit and already have gotten a lot accomplished.

 Gotta go, someone just applied for the third shift and my subconscious wants to interview them ASAP.

Ciao

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Earth Day Haiku

Some Earth Day Haiku

Al Gore says we suck
We are killing the planet
Cheney is an douche

Plant a tree today
Recycle all of the trash
Cheney is a douche

Monkeys fly at dawn
Their carbon footprint is small
Cheney is a douche

Celebrate the earth
It is not that bad a place
Cheney is a douche

Your carbon footprint
Should be smaller everyday
Cheney is a douche

Solar power rocks
Even though it is cloudy
Cheney is a douche

Say hi to a tree
Celebrate life in grand style
Earth Day is Today

Ha, gotcha – cheney is still a douche

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Drumming up some Earth Day Love

Happy, happy pozitoodinal love folks.  It’s a chilly, damp New England morning here in the Happy Valley, a mere day before Earth Day 2009.  What are your plans for Earth Day?  Me, I am bringing my drum and going to UMASS for a celebration tomorrow afternoon that ends with a drum circle.  Not sure how my out of rhythm drumming will help the earth but it will make me feel better.

I have a challenge to all you stoners out there who spent the day and night celebrating April 20th (420).  For those “not cool” folks out there the phrase “420” has become synonymous with weed, pot, dope, maryjane, marijuana smoking.  According to my homework it has nothing to do with any police code used to indicate pot smoking.  In fact, it was supposedly started by a group of kids around 1971 called the Waldo’s somewhere in California so they could coordinate when they were going to get together and smoke some weed.

Here’s the challenge to my friends of the stone age.  Tomorrow, put down the Xbox, Wii or Playstation remote controls, take the fucking ear buds outta your ears, quit texting on your cell phones and get your stoned ass outside and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to celebrate Earth day.  Simply pick up a few pieces of trash or recycle that Monster energy drink can you’re about to toss away.

Think about how much you could get done if you all put as much emphasis into Earth Day as you did rolling joint upon joint to celebrate April 20.  I don’t care if you get wicked baked and then go outside or if you go outside and get wicked baked.  JUST GET OUTTA THE HOUSE AND PARTICIPATE. 

It’s been almost 40 years since the first earth day celebration.  My first recollections of Earth day was participating in an earth day activity with our church youth group that included us cleaning trash out of the Wepawaug River.  The Wepawaug ran right through the our town and at the time was a stinking, disgusting eye sore.  When I say trash I am not just talking about papers, plastic bottles or beer cans, I am talking car tires, shopping carts and washing machines.  I remember being excited about walking in the nasty oil slick muddy ooze to capture another bald Goodyear tire.  I can only imagine what PCB encrusted gik was living in that mud. 

I am proud to be part of the generation that created Earth Day, damn proud.  I am also a little embarassed because in the grand scheme of things we’ve gotten so little done.  Let me rephrase that – I’ve gotten so little done and done so little.  So me typing all of this makes me an Earth Day hypocrite and that is going to change. 

Sure I thought I was cool when I bought my Prius in 2001, damn cool.  In reality it just balanced out the cycle because my other car was a Suburban.   Yep, one of those vehicles with a carbon footprint just a little smaller than that of a 737.

The new catch phrase is carbon footprint.  What’s your carbon footprint?  I’ve tried a few of those carbon footprint calculators on line and wanted to include one in this blog, however, I tried 5 of them with the same information and came back with 5 different results.  The only thing that each calculator had in common was when I had completed the evaluation they all pointed me to a site to send my to participate through a donation in something called a Carbon Offset Program.  Ughhh.  

I hope folks realize that it’s simply about money.  Earth day, needs support, sure money helps but incorporating the ideals of Earth Day into your everyday activities is far more important.

My household carbon footprint sucks.  We did put in a new hotwater heater and insulated the crap out of it as a start.  We still use way too much electricity.  We leave lights on when we shouldn’t, our television is way to big and our computers are not turned off consistently.  We have  four people in the house and 5 cars  and 4 televisions.  We never thinking about car pooling and our recycling is non existent.  Plus we all end up in different rooms with 4 televisions on at once.  We suck.  So for earth day 2009 that is going to change and here is the list I am going to share with my family:

1.  Car pool whenever possible
2.  Begin recycling immediately – bottles, cans, paper, plastic
3.  Start a compost pile
4.  Conserve water
5.  Expand the garden
6.  Work on the house to make it more energy efficient
7.  Change all the incandescent lightbulbs to fluorescent bulbs
8.  Tune up our cars – check air filters, tire pressure etc.
9.  Plant a few trees
10.  Try to buy locally whenever possible
11.  Get rid some televisions

Sure it’s going to cost a little to get this thing going at our house and their will be bumps in the process, the key is to start.  In the long run it’s all about doing something, no matter how big or small.  I am sure that if we all did a little, it would help a lot.

There’s a great saying you often find in the hiking or back packing community and it needs to be part of our everyday being, “Leave No Trace.”

Happy earth day.

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Ramalamadingdong – ha, he wrote dong.

I thought I’d try something new.  Let’s see how far I can type with a headful of the best IPA (green  flash and Smuttynose) along with an open window and a cold spring rain falling.

Currently, as opposed to noncurrently, the support system for my head is in serious jeopardy.  What the hell does that mean.  Put it this way, I am currently battling a good case of head dropsies.  You know that moment when the muscles, tendons and bones can’t  possibly support the weight of your cranium and it bounces embarassingly forward like you’re about to fall asleep.

Monkeys fly at dawn,  the little fuckers.

Me, I ain’t flying no where.  I am grounded on the couch next to the open window.  Goddamn monkeys.

Whoa, who let the dogs out.  Who?  Who?  Who?

OK, I was thinking about that dude in Iran – Ramalamadingdong or is it Ahmadinejad….what ever.  Once Syria comes to  their senses and figures out that chililng with the Obama dude ain’t a bad thing President Ramalingajad will come around cuz in my opinion you don’t want to be hanging in the mideast with no peeps to chill with yo.  Nope.

I love ending sentences with yo.  Makes me feel like I am in the hood

Do you think there’s a place for like a 5o something hood.  We’d all be chill, takin our flowmax and the current version of a qualude – viagra.  Sorry my flomax ain’t working,  I gotta go pee again.

Whoa, I digress…..shit, my head just fell off my neck…….slksdlkadkfla;dk

I think it’s back on.

Seriously though, what the heck is up with Cuba?  If I am Raul I’d say….yo obama dude, let’s put the commie shit aside and open up our borders and check out our beaches.  Damn, never mind that fact that we got some cigars that will kick your capitalistic cigar ass.  Most importantly with Cuba back in play they we can deliver that Florida state that has bedeviled the democrats for years.

Keep Cuba around and there is no chance Jeb will arise from the political dead……ever……then again ever may not be long enough.

Speaking of Jeb, what ever happened to Dubbya Junior.  I think the last time I heard from him he was swimming in a pool of rainbow colored balls at a Dallas Chucky Cheese.

Whoops,  my head almost got detachedddd…. I think I gave myself whiplash.

What is up with the emails that tell me they can make my penis harder, longer and more potent.  I am wondering do females get emails about making their vagina do something magical?  Seriously, what’s the deal?

At this point, if I answered every email about making my penis longer it would stretch around the globe, contain enough semen to populate five planets and would be strong enough to support the Obama high speed train initiative.  All that said, if my erection lasted more than 4 hours I would have to call some hotline.  An erection more than 4 hours…..ha, I’d call Guinness book of records or maybe build that addition.

Oops, I just knodded off for about a half hour.  I love a cold rain in the spring.  The sound is hypnotic.

Huh, sorry, I got hypnotized by the rain, for the last 30 minute I’ve been, yep I’ve been.

Damn.

Sorry, just woke up again.  Hehehehehehehehehe….piss off

I remember when twitter meant someone twisting your nipple until it hurt…..don’t ask……

thhhhhhhhhppppppptttttttt is the sound someone makes when they stick their tongue out at you and force air around it …. I learned that from Berkeley Breathed the dude that created Bloom County.  Nuff said.

With that I leave you with one word – Llama.  I love llama’s.  God bless the llama, especially the rare Costa Rican River Llama.  Llamaramalamadingdong.

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Martooni time

Bob walked in the door with a bottle of stoli vodka and a container filled with garlic stuffed olives.

I knew it was going to be a good night.

First up, I grab two silver martini glasses and fill them with cold water and a few ice cubes and set them aside.  Did you know that pure silver has the highest thermal conductivity among metals.  Thermal conductivity is the ability of a property to conduct heat.  So it stands if it conducts heat well, it will conduct cold well too.  I think.  All I know is that in a few minutes these martini glasses will be ready to receive a well chilled vodka martini.

I grab a drink shaker, you know one of those silver metal thingees and I fill it with ice.  I begin by pouring in about a tablespoon of vermouth.  I shake it around so it coats all the ice, I then remove the small cap that covers the strainer portion of the shaker and pour out the remaining vermouth.  

Next up, the vodka.  Lots and lots of vodka.  As I pour, I count – 1, 2, 3, 4 – I think a count of 4 is roughly an ounce.  I lose count around 17.

Now the fun begins.  Like Mr. Bond, we prefer our vodka martini “shaken not stirred.” 

Stirred is for a delicate Sapphire Gin Martini where you want to taste the 10 exotic botanicals and their floral highlights.  Key word is delicate. 

Us vodka martini heathens want our drink shaken, shaken long and hard.  Nothing delicate here.  Our goal in the shaking process is to get some ice melt, infuse some air into the liquid, completely mix the little amount of vermouth with the vodka and ice and most importantly to give the clear liquid a good chill.

When I say chill I mean you want a vodka martini cold.  Ice cold.  Like that beautiful physical therapist of mine.  Bone chilling cold. 

Once the shaker is so cold you can barely  hold it you know the cocktail is ready.

I empty the two martini glasses making sure that I get every alcohol diluting molecule of water out of them.  I then grab two art deco olive spears and stab not one, not two, but three of the large garlic stuffed olives on each spear and place them into the silver martini glasses.

I remove the small cap that covers the strainer on the shaker and slowly cover the olives with this beautifully fluid clear liquid.   After nearly filling both martini glasses I swirl the last remaining nectar of the gods around in the shaker and top off each glass.

Bob, who has been sitting patiently at the kitchen island is looking wide eyed at the drinks –  like that little kid who just came down the stairs and for the first time is seeing the presents under the Christmas tree.

Being that Bob is my miniature, talking, invisible elephant I need to bring him his drink. 

I join him at the kitchen island and I grab the martini glass and propose a toast. 

Bob, wraps his miniature, invisible trunk around the stem of the glass and raises it up and says, “here’s to martooni time, amen.” 

I laugh because that was what my dad always called his martini.  It was never a martini it was always a martooni.

With that I sip the ice cold, clear liquid and think to myself, yep, it’s gonna be a good night.  Cheers

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Dough Therapy…food for thought

A pozitoodinally righteous top of the morning to everyone.   As I look out the window from my vantage point on the couch – yes I am sitting here with my leg elevated,  I spy my Vermont weather stick and it is arched straight up which means it either saw another stick it found very attractive or it is going to be very dry today. 

What a great weekend was had by all.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for everyone, however, I had a great weekend even if its final act was not complete until the last of my 7 hours of driving from here to there to there from there to there and back to here was done.

The great constant in all the activities this weekend was food.  Nothing fancy, just good simple food and some great peeps.

Funny how food makes things ok.  Food is one of those rare vehicles that can entice someone to walk over to a group of people they do not know and engage in conversations that result in that “stranger” to be a “stranger” no longer.

Food is a magical entity in which divergent views, as passionate as views on religion and politics on said food result not is an argument or violence but a thoughtful listening and exploration of how food can be treated and handled in any number of ways.  Shit, the debate typically results in a dinner challenge to try the different styles rather than someone declaring a Jihad or strip searching you for weapons of mass destruction.

The weekend wasn’t about fancy restaurants, expensive cuts of steak or large crustaceans.  It was about good simple food.  Food that may or may not have been as good as the conversations for which the food was the genesis. 

Conversations with people who 10 minutes prior, may have been that “stranger,”  still yet, conservations with friends and family.

There’s an idiom, “Food for thought,” that can loosely be translated to – something or anything that makes one think.

I think it should be more specific – food makes people think  and talk.  When people think and talk the world is a great place.

Whether it was standing in a darkening parking lot outside the Moan and Dove on a freezing cold Saturday evening cooking grilled pizza’s (I call it Dough Therapy), or sitting around the dining table with family and friends for that holiday feast.  Food provided the catalyst for great conversations, great laughs and most importantly great memories that make this a pozitoodinally righteous day.

It also makes me think there has to be a better way to deal with these pirates?  I know, you’re thinking, how the fuck did he get onto the pirate thingee.

I am sure it’s not an original concept and probably shows my complete ignorance on the Somalian subject, however, isn’t there an opportunity to provide some food and aid to these folks so they stop pirating ships?  I assume ( I know that’s a bad thing to do) that these pirates are doing this for a reason.  Money.  What do they need money for?  Probably food, health care, power, etc.

I know a few things:  it’s not that simple, there is no comprehensive, agreed upon way to manage the waterways, big companies would rather pay the ransom than loose their cargo……

I keep coming back to the food thing and think if folks aren’t hungry maybe, just maybe we could engage in a conversation that would prevent alot of this mess.  What would happen if all these companies and countries, rather than pay ransoms, agree to fund a relief effort to assist the Somalian people. 

Then again, what do I know.  I, like a few other million folks, gave a little fist pump in the air when I heard that we had freed the Captain and killed three of the pirates.  Yes, let’s load up our Special Forces and wipe them all out.  

Then I lowered my fist and thought, there has to be a better way.   Definitely food for thought.

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The beautiful one and crabgrass

Ouchie….no double ouchie.  Another PT session with the beautiful one yields yet another threshold of pain.  I walked today for the first time with no brace and no crutches.  It wasn’t pretty.  She laughed, I being a male with an ego the size of Nova Scotia smiled and said no problem.

Mother effer, it hurt like hell, however, being a stupid effing male I just grinned and said, no problem.

Not only did I walk, I marched in place.  40 steps – left, right, left, right.  Mother effer did that hurt.

The whole time I smiled and said it was a little painful as her smile beemed  brightly.  Ughh, this sucks, I thought to myself.

After my PT session I went to my favorite watering hole not necessarily to drink but to seek solace with any number of similar stubborn males.

While I was sitting at the Moan and Dove having a very, very fine Racer 5 IPA an old friend came in.   A friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.  A friend who had retired about a year ago and subsequently 3 months later was diagnosed with leukemia. 

Life is funny.

My friend is one of these people who always, I mean always, has a super pozitoodinal aura about himself and it was good to seem him emanating that same pozitoodinal glow.  He just finished the fourth stage of chemotherapy and all reports were very positive.

I have known this friend for years.  We’re not close friends, we are simply friends.  We were both patrons of the same local watering hole before it was the Moan and Dove.  Prior it was known as the Old Amherst Ale House.  A great little, local watering hole that attracted people more for the community of patrons than the beer.  Although in it’s day, the beer was very good.  Not nearly as good as the people that sat at its bar.

My friend provided me a great face slap called reality.  Shit, all I got was a bum leg.  No big deal. 

His doctor explained his treatment by using a lawn analogy that I thought was pretty cool and I paraphrase (I did have a few more beers).  His doc told him, think of your blood system as a lawn and the leukemia as crabgrass.  Unfortunately there is no Scott’s lawn care drug to simply treat the crabgrass so they have to kill the lawn and then let his system grow back the lawn and the doc will look to see if any crabgrass grows back.

Good news is so far no crabgrass.

I was great to see my friend.  We laughed and talked about everything from our similar hairstyles to putting new shocks on a used Mazda pickup.  It was all good and it gave me a great appreciation for this wacky thing we call life and all it’s twists and turns it throws at us.

It reminds me that the righteous pozitoodinal force is strong and I’ve got to keep passing it along.  Cheers

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