Weird things amaze me. One of those amazing things happened today.
I went to the post office to get my mail – you see I have a PO Box. Since my leg thingee I hadn’t gotten to the mail box in a few days. Ok, like three weeks. What’s the big deal, it’s simply full of bills and catalogs. So it was no surprise to me that my mail box was jammed full. When I say jammed full, I mean jammed full like Pam Anderson in a size 32 A bra.
I started taking shit outta the box and the pile just kept getting bigger and bigger at my feet. Then it happened, as I was reaching for the keystone piece of mail it slipped out of my grip and sure as shit there was an avalanche of mail that fell back inside the mail area. Oops.
“Holy fucking shit,” I thought to myself, how much crap can they jam into one box. As I peered into my mail box all of a sudden an eye appeared at the open end of my box and I heard the mouth attached to the eye say, “ah, there’s some mail that fell on the floor, let me pass it through to you.”
So for the next 10 minutes this poor mail dude passes me the remaining mail from my box.
“Christ on a crutch,” I mutter, there is a pile of mail that is like 2 feet high and 2 feet long at my feet and me on crutches
These postal workers are like the Houdini of mail. How the hell do you get a 2 foot by 2 foot pile of mail jammed into a mail box that is 11x5x14.75 inches deep. Come on even Davey Copperhead can’t do that kind of magic. Hmmm, maybe Davey Blaine could jam himself into a PO box.
The funny thing is it’s always boobytrapped, like an evil version of that jenga game. When you start pulling out the mail you get to that one piece that you know if you can grab you can prevent the avalanche back into the mail room.
Alas, as you try to get a grip on that rolled up copy of the New Yorker or maybe it’s yet another Sundance catalog you can feel it slipping away and soon you hear the sound of the avalanche hitting the bottom of the mail room valley floor. Hahahaha – you can tell I am experienced at not getting my mail.
I wonder if they have to go to class and be trained in how best to stuff mail in a PO Box. The training could definitely come in handy at Thanksgiving. How else would you get 15 pounds of stuffing in a 10 pound turkey – let your friendly mail dude help ya.
Needless to say, I was able to borrow one of those mail carrying boxes, albeit only after I had sworn on the Obama bible that I’d return the thing after I got my mail home. I threw the mail in the box, kicked it out the door with my good leg and threw it in the car.
I now have a problem, after I emptied the box I put all my drawing and watercolor stuff in it and it holds all that shit perfectly. Me thinks the postman is gonna be short one box.