Monthly Archives: May 2008

Dildosytters of Nantucket Part 4 or something like that

“Well sonny, that’s quite an unbelievable story you just spun,” said Dick.  He told me to call him Dick after about the first hour of my story and a couple 10 ounces of rum.

“If I understand you correctly, you’re from like, 150 years in the future and I am your great, great, great, great grandpa,” Dick summarized.

“Yep, that’s about right,” I said.

“I look forward to hearing more about these dildo’s powered by batteries you say they have in the future that are made out of rubber and plastic, fascinating,” said Dick sort of looking out into space. 

“Are there shops like mine in the future?” Dick asked.

“Sort of, however, there’s not the hands on customer service that you offer,” I said. 

“Well now, until you get this contraption of your fixed your gonna have to help me in the shop, you know be my apprentice,” said Dick with growing confidence.

“Dick, I’ll try but you need to know I am not the most handy of people when it comes to working with wood.  Heck you might even say I don’t know dick about making Dicks.” I said, feeling the full effect of the rum we had consumed.

“Ha, ha, ha,” Dick laughed.  “Maybe I’ll change my motto and make it, Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket – We know Dick about Dick’s,” he said almost falling outta his chair laughing.

“Well, let’s get your contraption covered up from prying eyes and well start your first lesson on dildo making the “johnson way,” dick said.

So we covered the time machine in an old oil soaked sail and headed into the shop.  Dick put me in front of some lathe like machine with a chisel and told me to practice rounding the edges of the foot long piece of wood in front of me.

As I started working on the wood a younger lady walked into the shop and began talking to Grandpa Dick.  She suddenly stopped talking as she spied me in the work shop. 

“Who’s that out back Richard?” she asked.

“Oh, that’s my nephew from the mainland.  He’s going to apprentice with me for a while,” Dick said with clarity and confidence.

“Oh,” she said, “he’s kinda cute.”

“Paddy,” called Dick, “come out and say hello to widow Macy.”

I walked out and there stood widow Macy.  She couldn’t have been more than 30 years old.  “Damn, for a whale wife she’s looked pretty hot,” I thought to myself.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you ma’am,” I said as politely as possible.

“Likewise,” she said.

“Good luck in learning your Uncle’s craft, he’s made many a happy women on this island,” she said with a smile and I thought a little gleam in her eye and then added, “maybe you could even make one for me  when you get the hang of it”.

“I will do my best ma’am, thank you,” I said retreating to the shop.

Widow Macy left the shop and Dick came back to where I was working and said in his most serious tone, “Paddy, you need to watch out for that one, she’s already buried two husbands and there’s word that she uses opium.”

“Hmmm opium,”  I thought to myself.

I got back to my practice wood.  If this was morning I’d say I was working with my morning wood.  Hehehehe.  I have to admit I thought I was doing a pretty good at removing the wood and turning this long rectangle into a long tube shaped thing.

“Hey, grandpa I called, what do you think of this,” I said proudly as I held up my new creation.

Dick looked at it and began laughing his ass off.

“Paddy, that’s beautiful if your gonna have a store that makes dildo’s for a duck’s ass.  My god, if that was any thinner I think I could use it as a toothpick,” he continued trying to catch his breath from laughing so much.

“Lookie here,” he said, holding up something that looked more like a Louisville slugger than anything else.  “This is my best seller, this is the size and shape we’re looking for,”  said Dick, still laughing about my first attempt to make a dildo.

“Here’s another piece of wood,” he said as he threw me a piece from in front of him.  “Use this as a model and give it go in the morning,” he laughed as he handed me the Wonder Wood dildo that per his instruction, was his best seller.

“Thanks grandpa, thanks alot,” I said with a laugh as I sit back down and got back to whittling the wood in front of me.




Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized