Shhhh, the alien-cheney creatures have me trapped in my basement. Yep, the damn havahart trap wasn’t worth a damn.
I baited the trap with something I knew the alien-cheney thingees couldn’t resist – yep, I put a little container of oil in the trap and covered it with some sand. Blammo, not 5 minutes later I trapped one of those alien-cheney fuckers in the trap. Greedy bastard had already siphoned all the oil outta the cup.
So as I stood there looking into the trap, the little bastard looks right at me with those evil, alien-cheney, beady eyes and whips out his alien all-in-one tool and selects some laser beam thing and proceeds to start cutting through the metal mesh of the trap. The tool had some kind of name on it with a symbol….I think it was Notrubillah. I am not sure if that was the name of the tool or maybe it’s the name of the alien-cheneys world. Shit, who knows maybe it’s the little fuckers god.
I can hear the evil bastards chanting now, “Not-rub-illah.”
“Not-rub-illah, all praise to Not-rub-illah.”
The heathen little monsters.
Thinking quick I went to grab the trap with the idea I’d throw it outside and lock the little alien-cheney bastard outside. Duh, do you have any idea how hot metal gets when it is being melted by a laser? Hot
In my haste I drop the trap, the door springs open and the alien-cheney turdball runs free into the middle of the kitchen. With the most evil of looks the beady-eyed bastard looks right at me and fires the laser at me.
Shit, the laser hits me in the shin and hurts like a damn bee sting. I run towards the little beastie and he jumps from the floor to the top of the refrigerator and lets out what sounds like a maniacal laugh while firing the little laser at my head. Great, just what I needed these little alien-cheney thingees are bionic.
I duck outta the way while the little bastard scampers up to the top of the kitchen cabinets – outta my reach. He fires again and the laser hits a Grateful Dead cd on the kitchen island and ricochets off.
Damn. Just then I feel two more bee bites on the back of my calves and I spin around to see 4 more alien-cheney oil sucker standing in front of the oven firing their little lasers at me.
Ow! I scream as the leader hits me in the ear with a blast from his laser tool from on top of the cabinet.
Shit, I say to myself as I run for the basement door and slam it shut seconds before getting blasted by the little bastards.
Damn, damn, damn.
I can hear the alien-cheney thing making weird sounds and then I hear the pitter-patter of more little alien-cheney feet. Damn, I am screwed now.
I tie the door handle to the railing with a piece of rope. That should secure the door for a little while and give me time to figure out what to do.
First thing is to have a beer and make a plan.
A plan is always really important. I am sure the little alien-cheney bastards have a plan. You’d have to be insane to come to try and take over my kitchen, heck for that matter a planet, without a full proof plan. Is it full proof or fool proof. Either way, the little buggers would be idiots to try and take over my kitchen without a plan.
So, I need to get inside the little bastards minds. Do the alien-cheneys even have minds. I don’t know.
So what do I know –
I know they like peanut butter, cat food, oil of all kinds.
The alien-cheney thingee I caught seemed to be their leader. He also seemed prone to shoot his weapon off at any time for any reason.
The laser beam harmlessly bounced off the CD. Hmmm, maybe there’s a way to use the CD.
I started looking around the basement for weapons to use against the little fuckers. I found a stack of 2 ounce paper cups and a quart of motor oil. These will make great traps. I also found my golf clubs. Perfect. I can set up the cups with a little motor oil in each and when the alien-cheney fuckers come to get the oil I’ll whack them with my pitching wedge.
See if the little bastards like getting hit with a 90 mile-per-hour pitching wedge.
Hehehehehehe, splat go the alien-cheney fuckers……
Next time – the plan in action