Okay, it’s getting very weird in my house.
First there’s the alien fucker living under my stove in my kitchen and now I am hearing things move in the walls of my office. I ain’t shittin’ ya.
I was in my office with Bob the miniature, talking elephant the other night working on a mailing list for my biz when we both heard a scratching noise from the corner. How’d I know we both heard the noises? Cuz Bob looks at me with these huge miniature, talking elephant eyes and says, “shit we got aliens in the walls.” I got up and walked to the corner of the room and sure enough I could here the little bastards in the walls.
Yep, somehow with that alien brain of theirs they figured out how to infiltrate one wall of my house.
Damn, they must have some kinda wood disolving rays that they can shoot outta their eyes or maybe the brain sucker tool they have is like one of those leatherman thingees. You know the tools with everything from a knife to a blender all in one tool.
They must have one of those alien leathermans. It has a brain sucker tool, a wood dissolving ray tool, probably an interstellar signalling beacon and every alien tool has to come with some form of anal probe (ouchie).
So now what am I going to do. The alien bastards have taken over the area under my stove and inside one wall.
Bob is scared shitless and has climbed up onto my shoulder. He’s perched there like some fat pirate parakeet. That’s probably my fault because I was telling Bob the other day, when we first discovered the aliens, that they were gonna come out at night and suck his brain out because aliens love nothing better than miniature, talking elephant brains. Hehehe. I was just kidding but now I can’t get him off of me.
OK – I have to make a plan. I know, I’ll go to the store and get me one of dem don’t kill the little fucker traps. I wonder what store I go to? Maybe a hardware store. OK, we’re off. The plan is to set the trap tonight and I’ll report back in the morning.
PS. Gotta love any story that you can work anal probe into. That probably wasn’t the best choice of words to describe how I used anal probe in the story. Wait, let me be clear, no anal probe was used in the creation of this story. It was simply a reference to one of the tools the aliens probably carrying with them – given the number of alien abduction reports that detail said use of anal probes… oh, fuck off, never mind.