Monthly Archives: April 2008

Nothing to gloss over

He, he, he, he, he, he.

Just saw that some experts concluded putting lip gloss on increases your chances to get skin cancer.

File that under NO SHIT!

Anyone that would use lip gloss instead of a good SPF suntan lotion is crazy.  Never mind the cost!  How many lip glosses does it take just to cover your shoulders.  Damn.

What’s that, oh, they’re just talking about using it on your lips, oh.  Sorry.

To make a comparison, putting lip gloss on ones lips would be like me slathering Wesson cooking oil onto the top of my skull where there once was hair.  I couldn’t imagine going out in the sun with my head shimmering like a silicon enhanced boob found on some oil-wrestling tart.

While we’re talking about things to put on your lips  – get your mind outta the gutter you pigs.  I was going to talk about Chapstick.

I believe that chapstick gives you chapped lips.  Yep, that’s my theory.  The more you use it, the more you need it.  It’s a big conspiracy that is being perpetrated by Wyeth.  Once again, big pharma squeezing us for every cent we have.

Think about it.  If chapstick really worked you’d put it on once and your lips would be all set.  Think about how many chapsticks you’d need in a lifetime – one maybe two.  They’d be outta business.

I know people who are addicted to chapstick and use it year round.  It’s worse than oxy for these poor bastards.  That’s fucked up and it’s all the companies fault!

We need some form of benefit concert.  Some kinda save our lips drive.  Heck, maybe I should start a rehab clinic for habitual chapstick users. 

 

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there’s something there part 2

Okay, it’s getting very weird in my house.

First there’s the alien fucker living under my stove in my kitchen and now I am hearing things move in the walls of my office.  I ain’t shittin’ ya.

I was in my office with Bob the miniature, talking elephant the other night working on a mailing list for my biz when we both heard a scratching noise from the corner.  How’d I know we both heard the noises?  Cuz Bob looks at me with these huge miniature, talking elephant eyes and says, “shit we got aliens in the walls.”  I got up and walked to the corner of the room and sure enough I could here the little bastards in the walls.

Yep, somehow with that alien brain of theirs they figured out how to infiltrate one wall of my house.

Damn, they must have some kinda wood disolving rays that they can shoot outta their eyes or maybe the brain sucker tool they have is like one of those leatherman thingees.  You know the tools with everything from a knife to a blender all in one tool.

They must have one of those alien leathermans.  It has a brain sucker tool, a wood dissolving ray tool, probably an interstellar signalling beacon and every alien tool has to come with some form of anal probe (ouchie).

So now what am I going to do.  The alien bastards have taken over the area under my stove and inside one wall. 

Bob is scared shitless and has climbed up onto my shoulder.  He’s perched there like some fat pirate parakeet.  That’s probably my fault because I was telling Bob the other day, when we first discovered the aliens, that they were gonna come out at night and suck his brain out because aliens love nothing better than miniature, talking elephant brains.  Hehehe.  I was just kidding but now I can’t get him off of me.

OK – I have to make a plan.  I know, I’ll go to the store and get me one of dem don’t kill the little fucker traps.  I wonder what store I go to?  Maybe a hardware store.  OK, we’re off.  The plan is to set the trap tonight and I’ll report back in the morning.

PS.  Gotta love any story that you can work anal probe into.  That probably wasn’t the best choice of words to describe how I used anal probe in the story. Wait, let me be clear, no anal probe was used in the creation of this story.  It was simply a reference to one of the tools the aliens probably carrying with them – given the number of alien abduction reports that detail said use of anal probes… oh, fuck off, never mind.

 

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there’s something there

It was at the end of a late night bend a couple of months ago when I thought I saw something that I didn’t want to see.

I saw what I thought was some type of lizard tail disappear underneath the stove in the kitchen.

I chalked it up to a good batch of synaptic provocateurs.  Come on – we’ve all seen lizard tails retreating under the kitchen stove.  No really, I swear it looked like a lizard tail. 

Well last night it happened again.  I didn’t see anything this time but I heard something and so did the cat.

Now understand the cat is this 500 year old Siamese thing that is pure evil.  I call it hawk bait.

Well the cat is sitting next to me and hears the same thing I did and bolts off the couch and runs into the kitchen and is staring underneath the stove.

When I say bolt, this cat hasn’t moved this quick in 20 years.  Like lightning it lept over the couch and sprinted into the kitchen and froze in front of the stove, waiting for another sound.

WHAT THE FUCK!  I hate creepy things that hide in the house.

Now I gotta go home and figure out what is living underneath my stove.

What if it’s some kind of rare man-eating lizard or worse – a mouse.  What happens if it’s some kind of weird mutant wild thing.  Some alien like fucker that when I go to look under the stove is gonna take it’s razor like tail and plunge it into my eyeball.  Some alien thing with orange eyes and a fanged lip less snarl.

Damn, I hate things that go bump in the night.

I remember trying to get the bat outta the house.  I did a great job – got it caught in a pillow case.  I took the pillow case out side and let the damn thing go.  The only problem was that I never saw it fly away and when I went back in the house I looked down and saw that the bastard was attached to my jeans.

AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

I gotta figure out how I am gonna catch what ever is under my stove.  I gotta get a plan together.

Damn, I own no guns.  Maybe I should get a gun.  Nah, I don’t want to kill it.  Unless of course it’s some kinda weird alien lizard creature.

Fuck, how do I catch an alien lizard creature.  I looked it up on the Internet and there was no agreement on how to catch a weird alien lizard creature.

I gotta get one of those traps that don’t kill the thing it traps.  Sort of like a marriage.  hahahaha, just kidding.

I gotta go, if i never write again you’ll know it was an evil alien fucker and it plucked my eyeball out and then fired the brain sucker into the empty eye socket and sucked my brain out.

Damn aliens.

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Why I suck at fly fishing part 4 trillion part 2

Yep, another spring in New England and another attempt at fly fishing for me.  Went down to the local purveyor of large guns and live bait and plunked down $29.00 for a new fishing license.   The store was really creepy.  There were a couple zoo’s worth of animals on the walls.  From squirrels and bears to flying monkeys.  OK, maybe there wasn’t flying monkeys but there could have been.  There was some old dude in a chair holding a pocket knife and a fishing lure.  I don’t think he was stuffed like the animals, but then again he didn’t move much.

So I walk up to the guy behind the glass counter, a counter that held enough handguns to arm a couple hundred walmart employees, and in my best Sean Connery, James Bond voice I asked for a, “license, license to fish.”  He looked at me and said, “huh?”

So, once again I said, “license, license to fish.”  To do it justice you need to pronounce the words as follows:

lyschenshhh, lyschenshhh to fischhhh… whatever, the dude still didn’t get it.

“Oh, you want a fishing license,” he says.  So he starts reading me the questions on the license form.  Name, town of birth, current town of residence, height, weight, color of eyes, hair color.  That’s when the proverbial train scooted right off the track.  When he asked me my hair color I said, “invisible.”

He looked up at me and said, “huh?”  I looked at him and said, “invisible.” 

He laughed and said, “oh, I get it you’re bald.”

“No,” I said, “my hair is invisible,” with the straightest face I could possibly muster.

“Huh,” he replied.

“It’s okay,” said, “just put it down as bald, that way the secret police don’t come asking questions.”

Once again, “huh?”

I finished this enchanting dialogue and left with my license to fish.  Yee ha, watch out Mr. Trout, I am coming for ya and like a real life 007, I have a license to kill!

Ewwww.  I really prefer not to kill fish.  I can go to the store and buy a fish if I am really hungry. No I love the challenge of catching the fish.  Funny thing is that these little fish with their little fish brains kick my ass when it comes to catching them.

You’d think with all this grey matter stored between my ears it would be no contest….guess again.

So off I went the other day, down to a local pond (freshly stocked with trout).  I put together my rod and reel and attach the smallest of flies.  I went online and found out what bugs were hatching in the area…I know I need to get a life….

So I begin the process of false casting, loading the line, shooting the line and depositing my fly in the water with perfect grace – 5 feet in front of me.  Ughhhh.

Again, cast, cast, cast, shoot…..10 feet.  Ughhh

Again, cast, cast, cast, shoot, ouchie!  Just snagged my right should with the damn fly.  How fucking stupid must I look.  It could be worse – I could have waders on. 

I continue to practice and low and behold I start getting the little fly some 50 feet out into the pound.  It’s like magic.

That’s when it happens.  My fly lands on top of the water and there is a rise near my fly and all of a sudden I feel a grab on my line – A FISH!  In my haste to set the minature hook I manage to pull my fly and the 3 inch fish attached to it clear outta the water and slam it into my chest.

Mercifully the fish falls off the hook and flops two times back into the water and swims off.

WOW!  I caught a fish! 

I am hooked.  Again I begin the process and over the course of the next hour and a half I catch two more fish.  Counting the first fish if you laid them end to end the three fish wouldn’t have been more than 12 inches.  But who the hell cares!  I caught fish.

So I live to fish again.  Beware you little bastards I am coming for ya and this time I mean business.

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Happy Earth Day

Can you believe it’s the 38th anniversary of the first Earth Day.

It’s great to see the traction it’s gotten over the years.

We see folks talking about sustainable energy.  Hybrid car technology is finally being seen in the big SUV’s.  Evidence of recycling is all around us and most exciting is that folks you never thought would ever understand energy consumption are now thinking about their carbon footprint.

We’ve come along way!  I remember the early days of Earth Day.  Our church youth group would spend it picking up trash along the river that wound it’s way through the town I grew up in, Milford, CT.

We’d fill up bags and bags with the refuse discarded by so many people.

Now it’s about energy of all types:  green, renewable, sustainable, hybrid, solar, biomass – you name it and someones working on it.

It is awesome. 

I’ve watched the movies – Al Gore’s – Inconvenient Truth, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s (no not the Titanic) The 11th Hour – and I’ve read some of the books.

What is clear is that we are on the precipice of something amazing.  Something amazingly bad or something amazingly good.  There is going to have to be sacrifices at personal, corporate and governmental levels.  Going green ain’t cheap.

Much like an addiction the first step is to admit we have a problem.  I feel we are so fucking close to being able to admit we have a global environmental issue.  So fucking close.

As bad as China’s record is on human freedom, it’s even worse when it comes to it’s ability to negatively impact the environment.  The sheer volume of people along with their enormous appetite for raw materials has created a pollution level that is intolerable.  Funny thing is right after China I think the U.S of A is next in line.

We need better mass transit.  We need a rail system that mirrors that used in Europe.  Fast, safe, clean, on time.  Think about having access to that go fast train in France the TGV in New England.  I road it once and I think we hit 186 MPH.  It was smooth and comfortable.

Think about commuting from Springfield MA to New York City in 45 minutes or maybe Albany NY to NYC in the same amount of time.  Think about the cars it would take off the road – better, think about the access to resources (from a personnel perspective) it would give businesses in NYC, Boston, Philly.  Owe to dream.

So what are you going to do to celebrate this Earth Day?  Here are a few ideas:

Change a few light bulbs to the low energy bulbs.

Turn off extra lights 

Walk or ride your bike somewhere

Pick up some trash

Conserve water – if it’s yellow let it mellow….heck pee outside today!  Don’t let the water run when you shave or brush your teeth

Start a garden – nothing better than fresh veggies  – make a compost pile

PRESSURE YOUR CONGRESSPERSON TO SUPPORT GREEN INITIATIVES

 Be loud and be heard

Plant a tree.  Great story – 15 years ago I purchased 4 Blue Spruce seedlings for a dollar each at an Earth Day celebration on the Amherst common.  I took them home and planted them and pretty much forgot them.  Today after I woke up I took my coffee outside and stood looking at the Blue Spruce seedlings that had now grown to over 10 feet tall and I felt real good. 

 Most importantly get outside today.  Enjoy the day.  Smell the air.  Touch the dirt.  Sit and listen to nature. 

Now get up from your computer and get the hell outside!  Go plant a tree or maybe just your ass.  Whatever you plant make sure you do it outside!

HAPPY EARTH DAY – Remember it’s not a day, it’s a way to life!  Make today the start date for your life of earth day’s!

My fave Earth Day Motto – “Save a tree eat a Beaver!”

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