Monthly Archives: February 2008

Open Simsim – Bob

Uh, oh.

I really screwed up.  I totally misread this whole lent thing. 

Lent represents the 40 days baby jeebus spent in the desert being tempted by one of them evil doers.  Hmmm, funny how 40 is such a popular number in the bible….ark fans remember that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.  I think Moses was on Mt Sinai for 40 days, heck I think the Hebrews spent 40 days wandering the desert and don’t forget about Ali Baba and the 40 thieves.  Wait, I think that was a different book…still was a pretty good story….

 Quick- for a free pizza – first correct answer – What is the popular phrase that was originally – open simsim?

I better play 40 in the lottery.

So, this Lent thing supposedly represents a period of fasting and abstinence.

Here’s where I screwed up – I read it as fasting and absinthe. 

So for the past couple weeks all I’ve been doing is eating crackers and drinking this highly alcoholic wormwood distillation.

No wonder I can’t remember who I loaned Bob too?  Who’s Bob?  He’s my miniature, talking elephant.  Oh, by the way, he can also make himself invisible.

Bob has a bad attitude though.  Sort of a pachyderm Napoleonic complex thing.

When he’s not pissed off at the world he’s pretty funny.  We like to go to the grocery store and raise havoc.  He turns invisible and waits for some lady pushing one of those giant plastic car carts with the kids in them to go by and he knocks shit off the shelf.  The mom yells at the kids because she thinks they did it.  Little does she know it’s my friend the invisible, miniature, talking elephant.  Hehehehehehe

Hold on, someones banging on the door.

Cool, Bob just got back.  I think he’s drunk or very stoned.  He keeps muttering something about partying with Obama mama in the Bahamas. 

Gotta go, he’s definitely shit faced and I gotta see if I can sober him up….Cheers  anyone got any peanuts? 

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Flour Power

First, I am not a trained economist, I know nothing about world economic markets or for that fact the price of beans in China.  However, I have stayed in a Holiday Inn (gratuitous plug) so as the commercial details, I know everything there is to know about our economy and where it’s going.

Where it’s going is easy – in the crapper.  No wiping, no flushing, nothing – right into the toilet.

As a small business owner this is what I know.

Energy costs continue to escalate.  Rumor has it we could be looking at gas prices over $4.00 per gallon come summer.  Yesterday I think oil hit $102/barrel.

Check out the below chart.  Of interest is the dip in prices in the Nov – Feb time period have become less dramatic with gasoline not retreating to previous lower levels.  Looking at the most recent period we see little erosion in pricing which sets the stage for, in my opinion, a summer of new highs for gasoline prices.

gas-prices.jpg

The impact of higher fuel costs is for my pizza customers less disposable income/cake. 

 

Less cake, less pie.

The other factor that is impacting me as a small business owner is cost of goods.

Let’s take a look at the power of flour.  A year ago a bushel sold for 4.92.  In February 2008 it sold for 19.88 a bushel.  What does that mean?  I buy flour in 50 pound bags.  A year ago a 50 lb. bag of flour cost me $13.25.  Yesterday I paid $32.25. 

That’s an increase of 143% in one year. 

How about bread – a dozen 8″ grinder rolls that cost me $2.60 in November 2007 go up to $4.30 on March 1 –  an 65% increase. 

Last but not least is the cost of dairy/cheese.  One year ago mozzarella cheese cost $1.69 per pound.  Last week I paid $2.99 per pound an increase of 77%.

So going back to my customer with a disposable income already impacted by the cost of fuel.  As a business owner some how I have to figure out how to manage growing cost of goods vs my pricing of retail products.   

I don’t face this challenge alone.  Every business will face these same challenges.  In the end we have to increase prices to cover these increased costs.  Increased pricing means inflation.   Inflation means that cake don’t buy as much pie as it did, meaning that somethings need to be sacrificed

I fear things will only get tougher and tighter. 

Be patient folks, we’re all in this together and for $6.50 you can stop in to Pizzeria Pompeii on 9 Norman St in West Springfield, MA and get a 12″ cheese pizza that will fill your belly and make you smile….more gratuitous plugs…

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A whole lot of shakin’ going on

You know what, I never think about earthquakes. Part of that comes from living in the seismically stable, at least in my lifetime, region called the northeast. 

I am sure there are parts of the country in which school children practice earthquake drills, like tornado drills where they are instructed to take the appropriate cover to maximize their protection.

When I was a wee young school lad the drills were different. We practiced what to do in case of a nuclear attack. HA!

I remember two options. One getting under the desk for protection or going into an interior corridor and sitting, facing the concrete wall.

I can see it now – here comes a nuke falling from the sky and erasing what was our meager town of 50,000 -and lo and behold, a miracle – 28 students from Mr. Richards 6th grade class at Fort Trumbull elementary school emerge unscathed and it’s all because they practiced sound nuclear bomb drills.

Anyway, getting back to dem earthquakes.

Do you know that according to the USGS there were 375 earthquakes recorded in February!

Of these 137 were of a magnitude of 2.0 – 3.9. 146 were in the 4 to 5 range. 56 were in the 5 to 6 range, 11 in the 6 to 7 range and 1 was 7.4.

From a referential perspective an earthquake that registers 2.0 is the equivalent of 1 metric ton of TNT – similar to a conventional WWII bomb. A 3.0 is the equivalent to 32 metric tons of TNT. A 4.0 equals 1 kiloton or the power of a small nuclear bomb. 5.0 is equal to 32 kilotons which is similar to the nuke that was dropped on Nagasaki. From there it gets crazy.

A 6.0 earthquake is equivalent to 1 megaton of TNT. FYI – The Northridge, CA earthquake in 1994 was a 6.5. Jumping ahead an 8.0 earthquake is equivalent to 1 gigaton of TNT. The San Fran quake in 1906 was an 8.0. Scary is that in 2007 there were two 8.0 earthquakes. One in Peru and one in Indonesia. The scale goes up to 12. At 10.0 an earthquake would have the energy equivalent of a teraton of TNT or a 2 kilometer meteorite hitting the earth at 25km/s. That’s a big ouchie.

Where the hell is Optimus Prime when you need him.

There’s this thing, it’s more than a thing, its a theory of geology called Plate Tectonics, which if you really care to do more reading explains why we have these earthquakes.  Looking at the earthquake location map below, which I have borrowed from the USGS, it would pretty much support the idea that there are these plates that move about and when the edges collide create earthquakes.  Plates are identified by the yellow lines on the map.

Recent Earthquakes – Last 8-30 Days

Earthquake activity in the last 8 to 30 days

Then again, there could be this guy sitting up in the sky making it all happen. 

 Now before you run out and stock up on milk and bread – the official food supplies of any disaster including, but not limited to – hurricanes, blizzards, pestilence, flood, blackouts (not from drinking silly), terror attacks, earthquakes….I am not saying there’s an earthquake coming to your neighborhood.  At least not yet.

You know, I don’t care what type of disaster is about to occur.  If I know it’s gonna happen, like a hurricane,  I ain’t running out and buying milk and bread.  Nope, not me.  First stop is the packy (also know as a liquor store) where I’d load up my truck with copious, yes copious amounts of alcohol.  No preference just enough alcohol to last me through the disaster.  Then the next stop would be the House of Synaptic Provocateurs.  Yep, fill up the back of the truck with those bad boys.

As Carole King wrote:

I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky tumbling down

Time to go, I gotta get the monkeys ready – they fly at dawn tomorrow.  Be prepared – do your monkey drills tonight.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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A Parade!

Sorry, I got so much to do today.  You see,  I am busy putting together plans for a parade.

Yep, I am having a parade. 

Just me, gonna buy my a crazy hat or two, a wacky musical contraption and march me right up Main St. 

Why am I celebrating?

Cuz I can!

Does anyone know where I can get a free range elephant?  The problem is, Bob, my minature, invisible, talking elephant is on tour right now with some magician so I am short an elephant.  

If I can’t get an elephant, how bout a llama or maybe an Emu?

Everyone loves a llama or an Emu.

Have yourself a parade day!

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Da Moon

moon

da moon.  Somehow in my margarita infused stupor I managed to take this photo through my telescope with my camera.   I guess everything was wobbling at the same speed…he, he, he

Cheers

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Night of the Dead Satellite

I went out tonight to see if I could view the infamous satellite US 193.  Yep, did the research, found the orbit, the time, the degrees above the horizon.  Found Polaris as a celestial reference point.  Then I stood and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Well, needless to say the only thing I accomplished was to freeze the fucking tips off my fingers.  Damn.  No satellite, nothing.

The good news is that I get to soothe the pain of my frost bit fingers, then again after a number of Margarita’s I really can’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  Hey, wait a minute, I think my frost bit finger tip fell into my Margarita.  Well at least it will help keep my drink cold.  Oops not my finger, looks like a piece of the chocolate chip cookie I was eating.   What, you don’t dip your chocolate chip cookies into your Margarita?  You don’t know what your missing!  Where the fuck was I?

Oh yea, I get to soothe the frost bite pain by viewing  the total eclipse of the moon (last one for 3 years).  That’s if we don’t shoot down the moon instead of the mysterious satellite US 193.

US 193 ain’t that the damn morning after pill? 

Oh, no, that was RU-486….sounds like some damn German uboat from world war two.

I can hear it now.

Submarine dude (Sd):  Captain, I have the UBoat in range.

Captain:  excellent job seaman.  Raise my periscope.

Sd:  Aye, captain – periscope up.

Captain:  Excellent seaman, load tubes one and two and open the outer doors.

Sd:  Tubes loaded and ready to fire sir.

Captain:  Thank you seaman, we need to wait until she turns our way and then we can fire our load.  Her id looks like it’s RU-486

Sd:  Aye captain, awaiting the word to fire.  

Captain:  Ready, aim, fire.

Sd.  Damn captain, we were premature and missed…

Oh I could go on and oh.  He, he, he, he, he.

Hey, bro – where’s my Margarita?  Damn, got the straw stuck on my lip.  He, he, he

Okay, back to da moon.

I got my telescope and am going outside to look at the moon.  Usually it’s the hot neighbor (just kidding, maybe) but tonight it will be a different moon – a little whiter and brighter.

So what’s the deal with this satellite?  Why are we really shooting it down?

1.  Because it has a nuclear power supply

2.  Maybe nuclear powered control rockets

3.  We’re simply flexing our anti-ballistic testosterone to the world

4.  We don’t want any of the satellite falling into the evil doers hands.

I know this much – we ain’t shooting it down because it contains 1,000 pounds of hydrazine.

In 1997 the space shuttle Columbia was destroyed during re-entry one item from the space shuttle that remained intact was the hydrazine tank that was found in Texass, intact but breached – albeit empty since it was pretty much all used up during the mission.

The tank on US 193 if breached when it landed would disperse hydrazine over an area roughly the size of two football fields.  This is highly unlikely.

You see, hydrazine is in a frozen slush form due to the temperatures of space and it’s tank is not designed to withstand heat.  My two cents is that upon re-entry the friction of re-entry will heat the tank to somewhere north of 7,000 degrees centigrade (fyi the mean surface temp of the sun is  6,000 centigrade).  Basic principle of physics is that gas expands upon heating….Me thinks the hydrazine tank has no chance of surviving the re-entry phase and will explode.  So that gets me to thinking is it

#1, #2, #3 or #4.  You my friends make the call.

Here’s what I think.

I think I win the $270 Million lottery on Friday and on Saturday as I am walking out with my $90 Million lump sum check the fucking US 193 satellite is gonna come out of the sky and smoot me like a bug in front of the fucking lottery headquarters.

What a fucking story that would be…..you read it here first folks.  

Cheers, time to go watch the moon go bye-bye. 

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Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter two

It’s been over a month since I used the time machine so I thought I’d fire it up and go visit great, great, great, great Grandpa Johnson on Nantucket to see what was new in the wonderful world of 19th century dildo manufacturing.

Off to the time machine.

Here we go……..ttthhhhhhhppppptttt………………………………..

Hehehe I am back in Johnson’s on Nantucket, hmmm interesting a one legged captain just came in.  What the heck does he want with Grandpa Johnson.

Captain:  Hey Richard, how goes everything.

Richard:  It’s going well Captain Bluenut.  What brings you out this way today.

Captain:  Well Richard, yar see I am goin on a whaling trip next week and I want to leave my wife something to keep her occupied while I’er away, if ya know why I’er mean .

Richard: Aye, Captain what did you have in mind?

Captain:  Well Richard, I’d like ya to take my wooden leg and make her a dildo out of it.  I just got me a new leg and thought it would be special if I used the old one to make her a pleasure toy.  Waddya think?

Richard:  Shouldn’t be a problem Captain Bluenut.  Anything special you want me to do when I am shaping it.

Captain:  Nah, Richard.  I’ll leave it in ya trustworthy hands.  Do ya think I could get it by Friday.

Richard:  Aye, Friday shouldn’t be a problem Captain.

Captain:  I’ll take my leave then.  Thank ya once again Richard, yars is a noble craft and I’er am proud to call yar me neighbor.

Richard:  Thanks so much Captain Bluenut.  Have a good day and I will see you on Friday.

After the Captain left Grandpa Johnson stood there for a moment looking at the well worn wooden leg before he moved to the back of the shop, obviously the area in which he crafted these fine instruments of Whaling wives satisfaction.

The back of the shop was cluttered with a variety of lathe like equipment.  All capable of turning any raw material into the finest of phallic fun sticks.  As I stood there watching Grandpa Johnson the bell over the front door rang and Grandpa Johnson quickly moved back into the retail area.

Aye, Seaman Adams, how are you today, asked Grandpa Johnson.

“I be well Richard, but I am in need of a present for my girlfriend Phyllis before I go out to sea again next week.”

“Well Seaman Adams, if a Phallus for Phyllis is what you’re seeking you came to the right place.  What is it you’re looking for.”

“I am most definitely looking for a phallus for Phyllis.  Something not to big or expensive.  You see my wallet is only a wee bit bigger than my robert thomas and I don’t want to set phallus expectations with Phyllis that I can’t fill.  If you get what I mean, Richard.”

“Aye, I totally understand Seaman Adams, Phyllis doesn’t need a phallus to fill her rather a phallus to pleasure her.”

“Exactly, Richard.”

“Well Seaman Adams, I have this little device over here called, “The Tempest.” 

 “It’s called the tempest because it does quite a job waking up the man in the little boat.”

It’s quite easy to use – simply have Phyllis grab the phallus in the middle with one hand and with the other hand she spins the handle on top making the end of the phallus that Phyllis  is holding gyrate causing the little man in the boat to wake up and take notice.

What do you think Seaman Adams.

Richard,  I think that Phyllis will love this phallus.  I’ll take it!

Damn, I am running outta time again, shit, I gotta go…..till next time….

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