Monthly Archives: February 2008

Open Simsim – Bob

Uh, oh.

I really screwed up.  I totally misread this whole lent thing. 

Lent represents the 40 days baby jeebus spent in the desert being tempted by one of them evil doers.  Hmmm, funny how 40 is such a popular number in the bible….ark fans remember that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.  I think Moses was on Mt Sinai for 40 days, heck I think the Hebrews spent 40 days wandering the desert and don’t forget about Ali Baba and the 40 thieves.  Wait, I think that was a different book…still was a pretty good story….

 Quick- for a free pizza – first correct answer – What is the popular phrase that was originally – open simsim?

I better play 40 in the lottery.

So, this Lent thing supposedly represents a period of fasting and abstinence.

Here’s where I screwed up – I read it as fasting and absinthe. 

So for the past couple weeks all I’ve been doing is eating crackers and drinking this highly alcoholic wormwood distillation.

No wonder I can’t remember who I loaned Bob too?  Who’s Bob?  He’s my miniature, talking elephant.  Oh, by the way, he can also make himself invisible.

Bob has a bad attitude though.  Sort of a pachyderm Napoleonic complex thing.

When he’s not pissed off at the world he’s pretty funny.  We like to go to the grocery store and raise havoc.  He turns invisible and waits for some lady pushing one of those giant plastic car carts with the kids in them to go by and he knocks shit off the shelf.  The mom yells at the kids because she thinks they did it.  Little does she know it’s my friend the invisible, miniature, talking elephant.  Hehehehehehe

Hold on, someones banging on the door.

Cool, Bob just got back.  I think he’s drunk or very stoned.  He keeps muttering something about partying with Obama mama in the Bahamas. 

Gotta go, he’s definitely shit faced and I gotta see if I can sober him up….Cheers  anyone got any peanuts? 

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Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter two

It’s been over a month since I used the time machine so I thought I’d fire it up and go visit great, great, great, great Grandpa Johnson on Nantucket to see what was new in the wonderful world of 19th century dildo manufacturing.

Off to the time machine.

Here we go……..ttthhhhhhhppppptttt………………………………..

Hehehe I am back in Johnson’s on Nantucket, hmmm interesting a one legged captain just came in.  What the heck does he want with Grandpa Johnson.

Captain:  Hey Richard, how goes everything.

Richard:  It’s going well Captain Bluenut.  What brings you out this way today.

Captain:  Well Richard, yar see I am goin on a whaling trip next week and I want to leave my wife something to keep her occupied while I’er away, if ya know why I’er mean .

Richard: Aye, Captain what did you have in mind?

Captain:  Well Richard, I’d like ya to take my wooden leg and make her a dildo out of it.  I just got me a new leg and thought it would be special if I used the old one to make her a pleasure toy.  Waddya think?

Richard:  Shouldn’t be a problem Captain Bluenut.  Anything special you want me to do when I am shaping it.

Captain:  Nah, Richard.  I’ll leave it in ya trustworthy hands.  Do ya think I could get it by Friday.

Richard:  Aye, Friday shouldn’t be a problem Captain.

Captain:  I’ll take my leave then.  Thank ya once again Richard, yars is a noble craft and I’er am proud to call yar me neighbor.

Richard:  Thanks so much Captain Bluenut.  Have a good day and I will see you on Friday.

After the Captain left Grandpa Johnson stood there for a moment looking at the well worn wooden leg before he moved to the back of the shop, obviously the area in which he crafted these fine instruments of Whaling wives satisfaction.

The back of the shop was cluttered with a variety of lathe like equipment.  All capable of turning any raw material into the finest of phallic fun sticks.  As I stood there watching Grandpa Johnson the bell over the front door rang and Grandpa Johnson quickly moved back into the retail area.

Aye, Seaman Adams, how are you today, asked Grandpa Johnson.

“I be well Richard, but I am in need of a present for my girlfriend Phyllis before I go out to sea again next week.”

“Well Seaman Adams, if a Phallus for Phyllis is what you’re seeking you came to the right place.  What is it you’re looking for.”

“I am most definitely looking for a phallus for Phyllis.  Something not to big or expensive.  You see my wallet is only a wee bit bigger than my robert thomas and I don’t want to set phallus expectations with Phyllis that I can’t fill.  If you get what I mean, Richard.”

“Aye, I totally understand Seaman Adams, Phyllis doesn’t need a phallus to fill her rather a phallus to pleasure her.”

“Exactly, Richard.”

“Well Seaman Adams, I have this little device over here called, “The Tempest.” 

 “It’s called the tempest because it does quite a job waking up the man in the little boat.”

It’s quite easy to use – simply have Phyllis grab the phallus in the middle with one hand and with the other hand she spins the handle on top making the end of the phallus that Phyllis  is holding gyrate causing the little man in the boat to wake up and take notice.

What do you think Seaman Adams.

Richard,  I think that Phyllis will love this phallus.  I’ll take it!

Damn, I am running outta time again, shit, I gotta go…..till next time….

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Good bye Old Friend

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Damn, I am struggling.  

I have moments of when I am crying like a sissy and then hysterical laughter.  Damn, I hate this. 

My smile causes the tears stained streaks on my face to crack and itch.  

I am remembering the day my 100 pound Old English Sheepdog named Lowell first showed me that he loved to chase and catch a Frisbee.

Understand, Sheepdogs are not known for their grace and agility so the throw had to be perfect.

The throw had to take the Frisbee out in an arch and it had to angle back towards where Lowell was running and had to hang in the air just perfectly as he accelerated (I use that term loosely) under the Frisbee so he could leap and catch it. Okay,  a 3 inch vertical jump ain’t a leap, but to Lowell it was a leap.

With his long hair hanging down you could barely see the damn Frisbee in his mouth as his ran back to me to have me repeat the process.

Over and over I would throw the Frisbee and over and over he’d catch it and bring it back.  Usually, I was the one who would give up and retreat to the house with Frisbee shoulder.

Lowell would carry the damn Frisbee into the house, drop it on the floor and proceed to the water bowl to tame the thirst he had built up. 

We had our last Frisbee throw months ago.  Arthritis and age limited Lowell’s physical adventures over the past months but that didn’t diminsh the spirit that was Lowell.

Last night, Lowell past away and I am sad from a selfish perspective cuz it means I will never throw him a Frisbee again and I will miss that.  Lowell’s passing is a good thing because Lowell’s physical ability had broken down to the point where Lowell the spirit was being negatively impacted by his physicall issues. 

Lowell is the most pozitoodinally, independent spirit I have ever known.  Lowell embodied the saying, “I do what I want.”

Lowell was physically and spiritually a gentle giant.  Never in his 12 years did he ever bite anyone or anything.  If he was guilty of anything it would be over-loving.   When folks slept over the house for the first time I’d make sure I would get up early and let Lowell into their bedroom.  He’s walk right over and give them a big lick across the face.

What an alarm clock…..nasty, wet, sheep dog drool.  Ha!

I will miss his physical companionship.  He was always by my side and for a long time always in my bed.  For some reason he loved to sleep at the foot of the bed laying across my ankles…Weird dog. 

His greeting was simple – a wet nose and mouth into your crotch.  His family tree shows he comes from a long line of crotch nosers. He also loved to ride in the car.  He would sit in the back seat, right behind me (the driver) and ride shotgun with his head out the window, catching every scent on every breeze that went by the car.

Good bye old friend, I will miss seeing you bound after that Frisbee.  I won’t miss picking up the horse sized presents you’d leave in the house when I didn’t come home on time.

When I close my eyes my smile grows large as I think about the adventures we shared and I know it’s okay.  You may not be here physically, but you will always be here in spirit.

I just remembered a trip we took to Grout Pond in VT.  It was early spring and we hiked around the pond.  There were a number of bridges over recently thawed streams that if one stayed on you’d remain relatively dry.  Well we all went over the board bridges with no issue.  Not Lowell.  In his, “I do what I want” way he simply walked right through the stream.  Bridges be damned.  He’d come out soaking wet with a HUGE smile on his face.

Good bye old friend you’ll always be here.   Thanks.

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