What the fuck is up with all the damn automated thingees in the bathroom.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are some nasty germs out there these days. Germs that have been raised to be tough. Germs that were raised by their mommy and daddy germs on the best of antibiotics. Germs so tough that they eat antibiotics that were designed to kill them for lunch and poop out daisy’s and lollipops. These are nasty fucking germs.
The best way to keep the germs away is to wash your hands. Wash them often and don’t touch anything. Plus – don’t get sick – stay outta the hospitals.
So here I was today, on the road and I stop into this quaint roadside diner for breakfast.
I have a great breakfast with a great cup of coffee and before leaving I decide to use the restroom.
Now you have to understand. This is a little mom and pop operation with doodads on the walls (not sure what the fuck a doodad is but it sounds cute).
I go into the bathroom and I am immediately transported to the starship enterprise.
There’s an automatic toilet seat cover dispenser, an automatic urinal flusher, an automatic hand towel dispenser, an automatic hand-soap dispenser and an automatic faucet to dispense water.
Hmmmm, where’s the automatic wiper of my ass thing? Just kidding….
So, I stand there using the urinal as a guy would do when all of a sudden in the middle of my pee the fucking thing starts to flush. Flush all over the front of my pants. What the fuck Mr. Spock this sucks!
So I finish up and go over to wash my hands – gotta keep the germs away….
I put my hand under the soap dispenser – nothing happens. Hmmmm. I do it again. Nothing – where the fuck is Mr. Scott when you need him.
I then put my hand under the faucet and the soap dispenser discharges soap onto the edge of the sink. Ugghhhh
I put my hand under the soap dispenser and the faucet turns on.
You gotta be fucking kidding me – where is the damn camera this can’t be real. “Hey Captain Kirk – fix your fucking ship,” I say to myself.
Okay, I get some soap and then some water and now it’s time to dry my hands.
I wave my hand in front of the little red dot on the hand towel dispenser and nothing happens. Over and over I wave my hand over the little red dot and not a fucking thing happens. Ughhh.
Okay, I am pissed. Fuck it, I reach over and grab some toilet paper and dry my hands. As I walk outta the bathroom I hear the hand towel machine starting to spit out hand towels like one of those cartoon ticker tape machines.
I look back and say fuck it.
I shut off the light and shut the door. Immediately I am transported back to ma and pa’s happy roadside diner and all is good.