I was doing some research on my family tree, you know that – where did I come from shit. Well I uncovered some crazy shit that I thought I should share with you.
It seems that years ago my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandfather Johnson was living on Nantucket. He was one of the sea-fearing Johnsons. You see I come from a long line of folks (on my fathers side) who can’t swim and loathe the water – thank you mom for changing that with us.
As you can imagine, life on Nantucket was pretty destitute for someone who does not like the water. It ain’t like today where you can open up a t-shirt shop and mark the damn things up 2000% and make a living. Nope, not in 1825. If you lived on Nantucket the sea was the source of your income and so, in a way it became a source of income for my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandpa Johnson.
You see, ol grandpa Johnson needed a way to make a living on Nantucket when he came up with a great idea. Grandpa Johnson – Richard Johnson to his customers, saw a need and sought to fill it – so to speak. Soon Johnson’s-Dildosytters of Nantucket was born.
With whaling ships going out to sea for months at a time, good old Dick figured out that those Whaling wives, or is it Wailing wives, could get pretty lonely and what better way to keep them happy until their whaling hubbies came home than with a custom dildo from Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.
So once I got this info I decided to set my time machine for 1825 dead nuts right in the period from 1800 to 1840 when Nantucket was considered the “Whaling Capital of the WORLD!”
For those who are new to the othersideofthemirror, I invented a personal time machine that works amazingly well. The cool thing is that when I get transported back in time, I am invisible to everyone in the era I transport myself to! Wicked fucking cool! The only bad thing is I only have 30 to 60 minutes of time when I get in the new time period. I can go back or forward to that time period as many times as I want, but I can’t stay for more than 60 minutes.
OK, so I set the controls for the center of the sun (just kidding, a weird Pink Floyd reference) I actually set the controls for 1820. OK, hold on here we go………………….tttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpppppt……
WHOA! What the fuck! Man oh man. I just got back from 1825 Nantucket and I gotta tell ya it was fucking cool.
So when I first got there I went down and found “Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.” There it was, sitting right off Main Street.
“Holy shit,” I thought, I wonder if grandpa Johnson is around.
I walked into the store (remember, conveniently the time machine makes me invisible to everyone) and sure enough there was grandpa Johnson only he wasn’t grandpa yet he was simply Richard Johnson, a strapping young man (no not strap-on, strapping) in his early thirties.
All around the store were glass cases that displayed a variety of nineteenth century dildo’s. Shit I saw dildo’s that were made of a plaster like substance, wood, bone, even a few with scrimshaw on them.
Richard was talking to a woman. She looked like, well, a woman from 1820’s. Lot’s of clothes on. I got closer so I could hear their conversation.
Richard: I know Mrs. Pollard that it’s a tough choice. It really depends on what makes you feel best.
Mrs. Pollard: Well Richard, George is going to be gone another 6 months like he was last time. I am worried that I am going to whittle the wood one down like I did last time.
Richard: Well Mrs. Pollard, if I recall, you had purchased the wood wanker and logged a ton of hours with it. There is a new wooden one, it’s made from some beautiful wood I got in from southern India called ebony. I have a couple over there I call the wonder wands – aren’t they beautiful with the inlay.
Mrs. Pollard: Oh yes Richard, they’re beautiful. What is the inlay? Is that Ivory?
Richard: Yes Mrs Pollard, the wonder wands are ebony and ivory (come on you have to laugh…wonder wands…ebony, ivory) hehehehehe
Mrs. Pollard: Well Richard they look great. I’ll take the biggest one you got!
Richard: Great, do you want me to wrap that?
Mrs. Pollard: That would be much appreciated Richard. I have to go to the market next and really don’t want to be parading around with my new wonder-wand.
As Mrs. Pollard left the store I continued to look around when I remember my time machine. Shit, I only got ten minutes of time left.
I hustled back to the time machine and reversed the switch and landed back in my office.
Man that was great. I am definitely gonna go back tomorrow.
Next – Chapter Two – Class system – Whaling Houses and Dildo’s.