Monthly Archives: December 2007

VPB – Coming to a Virtual Store Virtually Anytime!

It’s that time of year – yep the time for giving.  After thinking long and hard I’ve come up with the perfect gift.  It’s a gift that you can create.  Yep, you can do it yourself.  All you have to do is believe.

My gift to all of you is a virtual  pozitoodinal blanket (VPB).  Huh, what the fuck is a virtual pozitoodinal blanket?  Let me explain.

When I was growing up whenever I was in bed and I got scared I’d grab my blanket and pull it up over my head.  I knew that whatever evil lurked in my room it couldn’t hurt me because I had my blanket covering me.  My blanket was my protector.  My blanket kept me safe, my blanket will always keep me safe.

Shit, you can keep Superman’s Cape, keep Captain America’s shield, keep the Green lantern’s power ring, heck keep Wonder Woman’s power bracelets.  Wonder Woman did have some nice boobies, however.  From a protection perspective, these superhero thingees don’t hold a candle to the power of my blanket to protect me.

So to everyone out there I offer my secret recipe to creating your own virtual pozitoodinal blanket (VPB).  Guaranteed to keep away everything scary and nasty.  Guaranteed to keep negativity at bay.  Guaranteed to bring you peace when the voices are screaming at the top of their lungs and only you can hear them.    

The VPB is something you have to own – cuz it’s yours and yours alone.  

Only you can create your VPB – or you can send me $1,000 in small bills and I’ll make one for you and virtually mail it to you!   Just kidding, today  – for you only – $500.  That’s a savings of $500!!!  Order quick operators are standing by.  Actually they’re sitting and there ain’t that many of them.  Where the fuck was I.

Oh yeah, making your own VPB –  

You have to weave it with a blend of emotional warmth, love and compassion that exists in each of you.  It will be held together by the strongest of pozitoodinal energies.  It will be radiant in color.  So radiant it will have no color.  Not sure what the fuck that means but I thought it sounded good. 

The VPB is capable of  bringing you peace and comfort when you need it most.  It will only be here today, in the present.  It’s radiance will empower and be empowered by those pozitoodinal voices that exist in each of us.  Some stronger than others, however, they’re all there.  You need to find those pozitoodinal voices and use them as your threads to make your VPB strong.

You may not think that you have the power to do it.  I know that you do, all you have to do is give yourself a chance.  Heck waddya have to lose an hour or two?  Big fucking deal. 

You just have to make the time to do so.  Make the time, find that comfortable spot where you can sit and breathe a little.  Breathe a little more.  Smile a little, can’t smile, think about something stupid you’ve recently done.  I always find that laughing at oneself is so easy and so healthy.  Come on another deep breathe.  Get to that place with the smile and a little love.  Before you know it you’ll have a VPB so big and so strong that you’ll feel like you can cover the world with it.

Know what – maybe if each of us creates our VPB, maybe, just maybe we can cover the world with it.

OK, Ok, I know….I have this overwhelming urge to hold hands and sing that stupid coke commercial song about teaching the world to sing…..yuck…I gotta go wash my hands……where the hell did I put my damn VPB…..I need it now….

Ho, ho, ho,

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Blackwawa

I find great humor in the fact that the term “blackwater,” has historically been used as the definition for the effluent infused water found in the holding tank of an RV.    

I find great terror in the fact that the term “blackwater” is now used to define a terrifying company of mercenaries that at some point could be used against us.

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Dildosytters of Nantucket – Chapter One

I was doing some research on my family tree, you know that – where did  I come from shit.  Well I uncovered some crazy shit that I thought I should share with you.

 It seems that years ago my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandfather Johnson was living on Nantucket.  He was one of the sea-fearing Johnsons.  You see I come from a long line of folks (on my fathers side) who can’t swim and loathe the water – thank you mom for changing that with us.

As you can imagine, life on Nantucket was pretty destitute for someone who does not like the water.  It ain’t like today where you can open up a t-shirt shop and mark the damn things up 2000% and make a living.  Nope, not in 1825.  If you lived on Nantucket the sea was the source of your income and so, in a way it became a source of income for my great, great, great (couple more greats) grandpa Johnson.

You see, ol grandpa Johnson needed a way to make a living on Nantucket when he came up with a great idea.  Grandpa Johnson – Richard Johnson to his customers, saw a need and sought to fill it – so to speak.  Soon Johnson’s-Dildosytters of Nantucket was born.

With whaling ships going out to sea for months at a time, good old Dick figured out that those Whaling wives, or is it Wailing wives, could get pretty lonely and what better way to keep them happy until their whaling hubbies came home than with a custom dildo from Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.

So once I got this info I decided to set my time machine for 1825 dead nuts right in the period from 1800 to 1840 when Nantucket was considered the “Whaling Capital of the WORLD!” 

For those who are new to the othersideofthemirror, I invented a personal time machine that works amazingly well.  The cool thing is that when I get transported back in time, I am invisible to everyone in the era I transport myself to!  Wicked fucking cool!  The only bad thing is I only have 30 to 60 minutes of time when I get in the new time period.  I can go back or forward to that time period as many times as I want, but I can’t stay for more than 60 minutes.

OK, so I set the controls for the center of the sun (just kidding, a weird Pink Floyd reference) I actually set the controls for 1820.  OK, hold on here we go………………….tttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpppppt……

WHOA!  What the fuck!  Man oh man.  I just got back from 1825 Nantucket and I gotta tell ya it was fucking cool.

So when I first got there I went down and found  “Johnson’s Dildosytters of Nantucket.”  There it was, sitting right off Main Street. 

“Holy shit,” I thought, I wonder if grandpa Johnson is around.

I walked into the store (remember, conveniently the time machine makes me invisible to everyone) and sure enough there was grandpa Johnson only he wasn’t grandpa yet he was simply Richard Johnson, a strapping young man (no not strap-on, strapping) in his early thirties.

All around the store were glass cases that displayed a variety of nineteenth century dildo’s.  Shit I saw dildo’s that were made of a plaster like substance, wood, bone, even a few with scrimshaw on them. 

Richard was talking to a woman.  She looked like, well, a woman from 1820’s.  Lot’s of clothes on.  I got closer so I could hear their conversation.

Richard:  I know Mrs. Pollard that it’s a tough choice.  It really depends on what makes you feel best.

Mrs. Pollard:  Well Richard, George is going to be gone another 6 months like he was last time.  I am worried that I am going to whittle the wood one down like I did last time.

Richard:  Well Mrs. Pollard, if I recall, you had purchased the wood wanker and logged a ton of hours with it.  There is a new wooden one, it’s made from some beautiful wood I got in from southern India called ebony.  I have a couple over there I call the wonder wands – aren’t they beautiful with the inlay.

Mrs. Pollard:  Oh yes Richard, they’re beautiful.  What is the inlay?  Is that Ivory?

Richard:  Yes Mrs Pollard, the wonder wands are ebony and ivory (come on you have to laugh…wonder wands…ebony, ivory) hehehehehe

Mrs. Pollard:  Well Richard they look great.  I’ll take the biggest one you got!

Richard:  Great, do you want me to wrap that?

Mrs. Pollard:  That would be much appreciated Richard.  I have to go to the market next and really don’t want to be parading around with my new wonder-wand.

As Mrs. Pollard left the store I continued to look around when I remember my time machine.  Shit, I only got ten minutes of time left.

I hustled back to the time machine and reversed the switch and landed back in my office.

Man that was great.  I am definitely gonna go back tomorrow.

Next – Chapter Two – Class system – Whaling Houses and Dildo’s.

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Lights, Cameras, Nothing

Ah, it’s that time of year.  You know, time to decorate your house for the holidaze.  I am not sure what i am going to do this year.  Last year, I did nothing.  The year before that I did nothing.  Actually the last 10 years I’ve done nothing. 

Not this year.  This year I am gonna do something.  What that something is, I am not to sure.  Maybe I’ll do nothing.  Is doing nothing actually something?  If so is there a job I can get where I can get paid to do nothing?

Like Dubbya, shit we’d pay him to do nothing….. 

I got three plastic penguins that I can light up.  That would be cool.  Maybe do a little manger scene with baby jeebus and the three wise penguins.  I need to find a lite-up llama.  Gotta have a llama.  Lights too.  Lots and lots of lights.

I need enough lights so that the fucking C-5A’s that fly overhead, laden with their WDD ( Weapons of Dubbya Destruction) confuse my yard with the Westover runways (4 miles from the house).   Yep get a damn C-fucking 5A log jam right in my front yard!

I need enough lights so they can see my house from the damn space station.  Yep, screw that trying to see the damn space station thing wiz by overhead in the middle of the night.  I want a live feed from the space station showing my house lit up on the surface of the earth like a damn volcanic eruption!   

I need enough lights so the damn electric company has to put another turbine on line.

I need enough lights so people will get a tan when they come view my house.

I need enough lights so Dubbya will send Dickweed over with his shot gun to spear head an investigation to see if I have any of dem iranium uranium enrichment centrifugie’s in my basement powering the whole damn thing. 

I may just do nothing.  Then again, maybe I won’t do nothing.  Hehehehe

Actually I do have this vision.  I need to go get me a big plastic baby doll.  Not a blow up doll you monkey asses, a plastic baby doll (they last longer – I am kidding put the phone down).  I have this vision of suspending it high up in a tree and rigging a bunch of those strings of sparkling lights so they look like they’re coming out it’s ass. 

Close your eyes, can’t you see it….it’s sort of  a baby jeebus comet or meteor.

The cool thing would be to have it flying over the three wise penguins and their pet llama.  Of course I’d have to light all of those up.

Hmmm, anyone know where I can get a plastic llama?

Give me a week, it will be done.  As Yul Brynner said in his wonderful role as Pharaoh Rameses’s II (I wonder if they named the condoms after him), “So let it be written, so let it be done.”

Speaking of done – how hot was Anne Baxter as his wife Nefretiri.  Seriously she is smoking hot in the ten commandments.  Is that wrong?  Whatever http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Anne_Baxter_and_Yul_Brynner_in_The_Ten_Commandments_film_trailer.jpg 

How the hell did I get there?  One last ten commandment question – get it right and I’ll by you a big ass beer and we can talk about the movie.

What actress in the movie went on to be best known for her role as a mom in a cult tv series that ran from 1964 – 1966.  A hint – in the series she played opposite Fred Gywnne.

Later……

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