So, do you have a costume picked out for Halloween?
I picked mine out the other day. I am going as the invisible man. No clothes, just gonna go trick-or-treating in my birthday suit. Since I am the invisible man no one will be any wiser. They’ll open the door and a brown grocery bag will be there about 3 feet off the ground. To them it will look like it’s hovering.
I am sure they’ll be inquisitive about how the bag, grocery bag you sick mutha effers, is staying in the air with no visible means of support.
Did you ever wonder if those “magicians” like Copperfield, Angel, etc., go trick-or-treating. Well let me tell you a little story…..let’s pretend….there you are, all chilled up in your house after firing up some major doobage, handing out candy to the little costumed bastards like methadone to the junkies in the city when all of a sudden there’s a knock on the door and there’s fucking Davey Coppertone. Yep, the one and only. So he says, “trick-or-treat.”
I ain’t no idiot. When Davey Coppertone says trick-or-treat you better say trick…cuz he’s davey coppertone.
Next thing you know, POOF and there’s an elephant standing in your front yard.
“Wow, that’s pretty fucking cool,” you think to yourself. Shit, that’s worth three Reese’s peanut butter cups.
You politely hand him the candy and say thanks. You then shut the door and as you head back to the couch you think, “must be really good doobage.”
Sitting on the couch you start laughing that you can’t believe you just hallucinated an elephant on your front lawn….
Seconds later you’re stirred from your doobage induced coma by a loud sound coming from your front lawn. A sound that strangely sounds like that of an elephant.
Getting up off the couch you walk over and open the door and look outside.
“What the fuck,” you mutter as you stare in utter amazement. There is a fucking elephant in your front yard.
“Bastard,” you think. “Fucking bastard really made an elephant appear.” What the fuck.
As your doobage encrusted synapses finally muster up enough energy to string together a few rational thoughts you say to yourself,
“That sonofabitch, he made an elephant appear and now he’s gone.”
“Hey Coppertone,” you scream.
“Yo, magic dude, where the fuck are ya.”
“Hey Copperleg, come get your elephant.”
No luck. “Where the fuck did he go, bastard.”
“What the fuck am I gonna do with an elephant,” my few remaining brain cells ask each other….
“Hey elephant, I call out, “what is your name?”
The elephant looks down at me, wrinkles his eyebrow – this causes his ears to wiggle – he then takes his trunk and attaches it to the top of my head and makes like a vacuum.
“Stop that,” I yell as I wipe elephant boogers off my head.
I look over at the elephant and I swear he’s got a smirk on his face.
“What is so funny,” I ask to no one in particular.
The elephant just stands there staring at me.
“What the fuck am I gonna do with an elephant,” I think to myself.
Goddamn. Who the fuck do I call about getting rid of an elephant?
That’s when I heard it.
Looking at the elephant I say, “did you just say your name was Rob?”
Looking around the yard I cannot see anyone else.
OK, what the fuck is going on?
Then it happened –
“No I said my name is Bob, you idiot.”
Ok, now I ain’t shitting ya…..the elephant said his name is “Rob.”
“Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Rob?” I stutter
“Waddya hard of hearing? I said my name is Bob,” yelled the slightly annoyed pachyderm.
“Where the hell is Copperfield?” he asked.
“Ah, ah, ah, Bob, I don’t know,” I stammered.
“I think he left you here.”
“He’s an asshole. He’s always doing this to me. Last time he left me at Michael Jackson’s place for a month,” said Bob.
Standing there I say to self, “deep breath, OK, don’t panic. I have a talking elephant in my front yard, no big deal, everyone has a talking elephant in their yard,” then I remember, shit I only have two bags of peanuts….”
As my brain continues to process the scene Bob reaches over with his trunk again and affixes it to the top on my head.
“Stop that,” I yell, “what the fuck am I supposed to do with you Bob.”
“Shit, you won’t fit in the house.”
“He,he,he,he,he” Bob laughs and then winks.
There’s a bright flash and next thing I know Bob has shrunk himself to the size of a house cat.
“Whoa, that’s so cool,” I say to Bob.
“This should make things a little easier until we figure out where the fuck Coppernutz is,” says Bob.
“Right on Bob, I got some peanuts inside, it’s much warmer in there, let’s go on inside and figure out what we’re gonna do,” I say.
“Works for me,” says Bob as he bounds up the stair of the deck. “I’m starving.”