No I am not talking about the World Series. Funny they call it the world series yet only teams from Canada and the U.S. can participate. Nope, not baseball – we’re talking about the Fall Classic. The only sport that encourages the use of performance enhancing drugs, is violently opposed to dog fighting and firmly believes that anyone that is paid more than $100,000 to play a game (baseball, football, hockey, basketball, etc) and doesn’t understand how lucky they are should be given a gun and uniform tomorrow and be sent to Iraq without hesitation.
Before we kick off the Fall Classic we need a few things.
First is a big ole car from the 1970’s. My choice is the 1970 Plymouth Sport Fury GT. Why the Sport Fury – cuz it’s the embodiment of all things american. Shit, it had enough metal in it to build 4 or 5 subaru’s. It’s one of the largest two door coupes ever produced and was powered by a 440cubic in. engine capable of producing 390 horsepower. This engine also generate 490 ft. lbs. of stump pulling torque. Plus there were less than 700 of them built! Less than 20 had the “6-pack” option (3 dual carburators) vrooom, vrooom.
It was almost 18 feet long (think Chevy Suburban) and over 6 and a half feet wide. In this instance, size does matter. Shit the back seat is so big Caligula couldn’t fill it. Plus, it’s great, great, great grandma was the 1958 Fury which was Stephen King’s Christine. Talk about a bitchin car…..
OK. We got our car. Next we need some big ol’ fake glasses and gray or blue haired old lady wigs. Finally a cornucopia of synaptic provocateurs for the ride and we’re ready to start the fall classic.
Here’s the game. We load up the car with stuff for the weekend and put on our wigs and glasses to complete the elderly driver look and then head out to the back roads of New England to terrorize all those folks looking at the foliage….we’re gonna leaf peep the leaf peepers. Here’s the skinny – you got this huge fucking car that balls out generates enough power to rip your head off your shoulders that you use to create a rolling road block. Nothing better than toodling up route 103, 5, 100, 4…etc. in Vermont with a funeral parade of cars behind you and bob marley love flowing out the windows.
The scoring is as follows:
1. You get one point for every car that you can get stuck behind you. You get 2 points for every car stuck behind you if your speed is less than 25 mph. If you get more than 10 cars stuck behind you there is a 2X multiplier for every next car that ends up stuck behind you.
2. For every car that tries to pass you that you speed up and block from passing you get 10 points.
3. If a car passes you successfully it’s minus 5 points.
4. Every time someone beeps the horn at you, you get a point.
5. Every time some one flips you the bird you get 2 points.
6. If you get pulled over by the police and escape with nothing more than a smile and laugh you get 100 points.
7. If you get pulled over by the police and get a ticket (not sure for what) you get minus 25 points.
8. If you have to stop and pee and anyone passes you you lose 1 point per car.
9. If you have to stop and pee and leave the car in the road blocking anyone from passing, you get a 20 point bonus.
10. If by chance a car of elderly males pulls up and asks you to have a drink you win automatically.
You alternate driving every 2 hours. The first driver to 500 wins. The length of the game is 72 hours.
Game starts next weekend…gotta go car shopping today….heheheheheheh
YEEE FUCKING HA!