Monthly Archives: August 2007

Say Cheese

Was helping some friends the other day when they broke down on the Mass Pike and discovered a few things…..

75 miles an hour is really, really, really fucking fast if you are standing on the side of the highway.

A tractor-trailer going by sounds a lot like the noise the empire’s TIE Fighters make in the first Star Wars. – I am not that big of a geek – I had to look up what the name of those fighters were called….piss off

A couple people stopped to see if we needed a hand – that was very cool

A state policeperson stopped to make sure everything was cool and to call a flatbed tow truck.  Two seconds later he was gone…..seemed more annoyed than anything.  Guess if he found the meth lab in the back of the car he would have been more interested.  Just kidding Mr. Ashcroft, there was no meth lab in the car….my friends had left it at home.  Just kidding again.

Have you noticed that you really can’t go anywhere and not be on a camera?  My new thing is that if I see a camera I salute it with my middle finger and then I grab my balls.  I am not sure why I do that but it makes me feel better.  My own little form of disobedience… 

It’s kinda funny, I went to the Walmart parking lot the other day….I do everything in my power not to support the censoring, mistreating bastards.  Anyway I went to the Walmart parking lot and drove around to all the camera’s flipping them off and holding up a Target bag I found in the parking lot.  Hehehehe, I almost pissed myself thinking about the poor security guards watching the fat bald dude on the camera doing stupid things….hehehehehe

Yesterday I had to get gas and pulled into one of those mart thingees and yes they had cameras.  So I opened the gas lid and then took off the gas cap and then proceeded to have a 3 minute conversation with the dude in my gas tank.  It must have looked hilarious on the  monitor in the mart.  FYI – there is no dude in my gas tank.

Maybe we need to come up with some kind of gesture or mask or sign that we can distribute across the country so everyone that wants too can have a wee bit of fun with big brothers cameras.

$20 bucks says that Sen. Larry Craig (Rep, Idaho) thinks it’s gay to order the queen cut of prime rib.  This from a hypocritical dirt bag who has no issues making overt gestures underneath the bathroom stall encouraging “lewd activity.”  Then  going back to the Senate and voting his homophobic right wing conservative platform.  Too bad there wasn’t a camera  in that bathroom.

Sorry, I have no idea where the fuck that last paragraph came from……one of those voices just took over….

This big brother spying on us thingee has gotten crazy.  For instance, at this moment I am watching myself type this entry on google earth and it’s kinda weird.  There’s just enough of a delay to make it interesting.  Wait, oh never mind, I just gave myself the finger and grabbed my balls.  Weird.

Flour Power – Piece!


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Nativity Naivity

I’ve been thinking about nativity thingees since yesterday and the current state of the world and religion and….wait this just in….the Vatican has annouced the creation of Vatican Air.  The airline will be focused on transporting catholic pilgrims to an array of religious sites around the world.  Hmmmm I wonder if Vegas is one of those stops….maybe Austria to take in a performance of the Vienna Boys Choir?  Sorry that was too easy…..I’ll save the rest for another blog…..

Getting back to my thoughts on Nativity naivity.  Here’s my idea:

We get a town with a nice common (green) and we take over the common for a couple weeks and we welcome all religions to put up their “displays.”  This could be a wonderful way for folks to learn about other religions and their belief systems without the propaganda the surrounds the disinformation we get via mainstream media today.

A couple ground rules. 

1.  Each religious group is allowed the same amount of space to put up their “display.”
2.  Each religious group must have personnel at the site to answer questions about their display and talk about the historical significance of their “display.”
3.  No one is allowed to share negative information about any other religious “display.”
4.  Porta Potties would be cleaned everyday

A good month would be December.  Here’s a list of some of the significant religious holidays in December:

Hanukkah (Jewish)
St. Nicholas Day (International)
Bodhi Day – Buddha’s Enlightenment (Buddhist)
Virgin of Guadalupe (Mexico)
Santa Lucia day(Sweden)
Las Posadas (Mexico)
Eid al-adha (Islamic, Muslim)
Christmas (Christian, Roman Catholic, International)
Boxing Day (Canada, United Kingdom)
Kwanzaa (African-American) 

I think it would be cool for folks to really learn what the other religions are all about.   Shit, I am not looking to change people’s minds about their faith, all I want to do is open their eyes and minds a wee bit in the hope that learning and understanding about other’s faith will go along way to eliminate the fear and intollerance that is associated today with too many organizations, countries and religous organizations. 

You need to know that in my opinion any religion or religious leader that proclaims their faith to be the only “true” religion is dangerous and ignorant to the world around them.  


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Word to my homies?

I am so unhip….I don ‘t even know how to spell homies (home -eez).  The other day I was listening to the radio and the name of the band came up OAR.  Cool I thought….Oar interesting name of a band….I was quickly corrected by some of the “younger” folks that work with me that it was actually O.A.R.  (each letter pronounced separately).  Soon  POD came on the radio…yep, not pod, but – P.O.D.  All was cool and then MOE came on the radio and I asked who the heck M, O, E is.  The laughter from my peeps was deafening.  It turned out that MOE is not M.O.E. it is actually Moe.  Ughhhh.

Had a great weekend…..made a giant Buddha sand castle (won 2nd place in the Family Category).  The Buddha idea came from my very cool nieces (P&B).  Shovelling a thousand pounds of sand was not cool.  I’ll try to get a picture posted in the next day or so.  Our sandcastle beemed pozitood.  We called it Buddhaful.  It was great to see everyone come by, try to figure out what it was and then as it dawned on them, watch the big grin come across their face.  Wicked Cool.

I did find it interesting that most kids under 14 yrs old had no issues identifying what the sandcastle was….Buddha.  There maybe hope yet for this planet of ours.  Not so interesting was the fact that most folks over 50 yrs old didn’t know what the fuck it was……gorilla, big fat happy guy, a self-portrait of me (mistakenly identified as my nieces father by a few observers), jabba the hut from star wars…ughhh…guess the catholic church did a good job in brainwashing these folks to not recognize anything other than baby jeebus…..speaking of jeebus, maybe next year we should do a nativity scene.  I wonder if the judges would throw our entry out on some technicality.  Shit years ago you could just plop a damn nativity scene on the common and be done with it.  Today you have to get a pass from the damn Supreme’s.  Oops, I meant Supreme Court.  Not sure if Ms. Ross and here gals would really help in that matter, then again with all of Dubbya’s appointees on the Sup. Court they ain’t much better.  It’s funny, you can’t put a nativity scene anywhere today, yet thousands flock to moss on the side of an uncleaned refrigerator because the moss looks like Mary.

Sorry, got on a wee bit of a tangent….. 

That was Saturday.  Sunday we then jetted over to Saratoga for a day at the races.  Like the famous Marx brothers movie from  1937, this was packed with lots of laughs.  Then again I am not sure anyone had a better line than Groucho did in the movie.  He was taking Harpo’s pulse and looks up and says, “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”  Did I say bettor lines?  Speaking of bettor lines, they weren’t too long.  Hahahahaha

The day was great, we made enough money to cover the cost of parking a few frozen tequilla drinks and left with our original stake intact. 

Ha, when I went back to edit this and reread the last sentence I forget the comma after parking and then decided to not put it in.  You ever try to park a few frozen tequilla drinks?    Five or six are no issue…try parking a whole lot of them…..then make sure the worm doesn’t get out….bastard worm.  

Good news.  My time machine is almost done.  What?  Yep, all done.  THe first stop the beginning of time.  That would actually be kinda bizzare.  When did time actually start?  Before anyone measured time did time even exist?  Hmmm.  What would happen if there was no time?  No time for what?   No, no time period.  The concept of time was unknown.  That might be kinda cool.  It would totally fuck up the watch industry.  The airline industry wouldn’t be impacted because they’ve treated travelers for years like there is no time.

No more inane conversation about what time is it?  Who the fuck cares, there is no time.  Think about all the shit you’d get done.  No longer could you say there is not time to get that done.  Sports would be all screwed up, except for baseball.

Football would be played until one team quit from exhaustion or was mauled by large penguins.  Large pengies would be funny. 

Just think, bars wouldn’t have to close – that is until they ran outta alcohol.  No such thing as happy hour. 

They would just advertise – happy.  No state would ever outlaw happy…..right?

Wow,  no more clocks.  Buses and trains would just run.  If you happened to catch one, all the better for you. 

No time, no yesterday, no tomorrow, just now.  It would make it really easy for you to embrace that pozitood and live in the moment…..Ha, you just wouldn’t know any better….Any better or any bettor?  Uh, oh here we go again.

Where was I, oh yeah, Saratoga.  What a beautiful day with great people and cold adult beverages.  The hit of the day was a horse named Dr. Rico.  Dr. Rico kicked some major butt for us bettors.  D and I put down a modest wager on the nag and lo and behold doesn’t the sonofabitch come from nowhere to win the damn race!  Did I tell you he went out at 31 to 1 and paid $65.50 on a $2 bet to win.

GOD BLESS DR. RICO – may you find your way to a stud farm where you can live out your days providing the seminal gift of life while servants swab your back and feed you the finest of hay!

It feels good to right, oops write. I must have been channeling Pat Robertson there for a moment…..Get outta me you bastard.  Flee my subconsciousness you fucker.  Out with ya.  Go bother someone who cares like Jerry Falwell.  Oh, sorry he’s gone….hmmm….how about Hilary Clinton….yeah that’s it…go infest her subconscious you bastard. 

Phew that was close.

Time to go make some dough….dough as in pizza dough you miserable capitalistic pigs….DOH!

Gratuitous recommendation that has not been paid for by anyone – the best movie I have seen in a long time  with the worst title is Hot Fuzz.  From the same folks that brought you Sean of the Dead.  Hot Fuzz will have you scratching you head, smiling and saying, “What the Fuck!”


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Shine on your love light!

What a crazy week! 

A crazy great week. 

It’s been a long, long time since I had a week like I just had.  Every day was a party!  Every day brought another adventure.  Whether it was dinner with the family on Monday, L’s birthday dinner on Wednesday, Dark Star at the Gathering of the Vibes on Thursday, Aunt and Uncle’s 40th Wedding Anniversay in Assonet on Friday and back to the Gathering of the Vibes (Les Claypool and Rat Dog) on Saturday and Sunday.

Talk about a long strange trip.  Every experience built on the one before it.  Pozitood oozed all over the place.  It was an awesome week. 

It was great to see the extended family at K&L’s anniversary party.  What a snapshot of time.  Food was great, drinks were plentiful and my brother pissed off my mothers balcony….I think….

There was no drink of the week….consumption ran from Metropolitans at the Tunnel Bar, Martini’s at East Side, Patron Margarita’s everywhere I could get one, Manhattans and Whitey’s at the Anniversary party, cold Heinie’s and jello shots at the Gathering to more Margarita’s on Sunday at Mama Iguana’s.  Add to that a wide spectrum of synaptic provocateur’s and you have yourself one hell of a bender!

I love a good bender!

Sometime during Saturday night at the Vibes I came to the understanding that the best place to be was the place we were at.  No matter where we be at, it was the best place to be.  One moment the best place was the back of the Suburban staring at the water and drinking a beer.  The next moment it was lying in the field listening to Les Claypool rock every part of my being with great bass riffs while staring at the clear summer night sky.  The moment after that it was stumbling into Dorothy, The Tin Woman, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion and some very large dude dressed up as an angel.  It was all good and it was where we were at.

Like a beacon of pozitoodinal light on a dark foggy night the realization was clear – where ever you are at make it the best place to be and the rest will follow.  Funny thing is, soon everybody else will want to be where you be at……

I also realized that sometimes it’s brighter with your eyes closed….but that’s a whole ‘nother story…..

“Turn on your lights,
let it shine on me
shine on your love light
Let it shine on me let shine, let it shine, let it shine”

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Been a long time since I Rock’ed and Roll’ed part 2

Man, oh man oh man….what a freakin’ week we had.

I meant to follow up with the story of my first dirt bike experience a week ago; however, I went on a bender last week and am just now resurfacing….Yee Ha! 

So as you know, I sucked at mountain bike riding…..guess what, I pretty much suck at dirt bike riding….

Some important things – first, I would never think about getting on one of these contraptions without a helmet, riding boots, gloves, riding pants and long sleeve shirt. 

So here we were at Ludlow Fish and Game club…got the bikes down off the trailer and my training bike for the day was a very nice Yamaha 125cc, 4 stroke with electric start (a must have luxury for my lazy ass).  The boys were riding a 450cc and a 250cc.  The way I looked at it was that if these were dogs they’d be riding a German Shepard and Doberman and I a toy poodle.  I didn’t care; even my ego was checked at the door.

After some simple instructions….where to sit, how to hold my arms, what the shifting sequence was (still can’t remember…is it 1 up and 4 down or 1 down and 4 up) I was ready to hit the dirt road and the sand pit.

HOLY SHIT!  Those of you who have never ridden a dirt bike might think that 125 cc is a little baby bike….especially when it has to haul my fat ass around…..note….this thing cranked…..

So after spending an hour in the gravel pit trying not to run into anyone else or kill myself I thought I was getting a little more comfortable (boy was I wrong).  The boys headed to the trails in the woods and my bro told me about this road I could go up and down practicing my turns, braking and shifting….Cool I thought….

So here I am cranking down this road, catching 4th gear, going very fast when I see the end of the road approaching and the berm going across the entire road…..what the FUCK!  The berm is like a 2 foot speed bump….

SHHHHIIIIIIIIT, I hit that at way to fast a speed and soon realize that I am flying…..not a good thing without wings…..

Some how, I managed to reign in the bike a mere inches from a log that was going across this grassy area at the end of the road….oh the log was a foot and a half up in the air…..Trust me when I say I really had nothing to do with stopping the bike…in that moment of panic, yes panic, I just started hitting anything I could with both feet and grabbing every handle I could.

Returning to the trailer I found the boys and asked them about the berm and my bro looked at me and laughed and said, oops, I forgot about that…….

We stopped to re-hydrate and have a bite to eat when they convinced me to follow them on a trail.  They said it led to a nice big open field where it was easy and fun to ride…..being the complete moron that I am I said OK.

HOLY SHIT!  First it was down hill on a bed of rocks, then tight corners with tree’s inches from the handle bars….did I tell you I still am trying to figure out how to shift the fucking thing….Then came the water…..

First it was a 20 foot long mud puddle.  As I approached it the boys were already through it looking at me.  Ugh, I thought, “here’s the moment of truth.”  Do I say fuck it and power through the puddle or turn the bike around and head back to the trailer.  Those little voices battled for about 1/10th of a second when I felt my right hand rotate the throttle towards me and the bike lurched forward and blasted through the puddle like it wasn’t even there.  YEE HA!

The boys gave me two thumbs up and quickly left me in their dust.

More puddles ensued and then there was the river.  Remember we’re riding at a Fish & Game Club…..the river, 30 yards wide and I have no idea how deep….so once again my right hand rotated the throttle towards me and the bike took off into the river, down and down I went until the water, about 20 inches deeps filled my boots and soaked me.  The bike was relentless and climbed out of the river onto the other bank.  YEE HA!

Convinced I could now do anything I kept following the boys.  More water and then a fated up hill right hand turn with a huge root near the top.  SHIT!  No one told me anything about how to handle an up hill turn with a root.  SHIT, up I went got over the root and then realized the trail quickly turned left.  With confidence I turned the handle bars to the left and realized that in getting over the root the front end of the bike was pointing straight up in the air.  Hence my turning to the left was a lot like pissing in the wind…..not good.

What is next is a blur.  Somehow the bike stopped between to pine trees.  So close that the stubs of previously broken branches tore the right sleeve of my shirt yet didn’t touch my arm…..Phew…

Needless to say that I survived the ride, I did manage to fall two more times and shatter the front fender of the bike.  It was both exhausting and exhilarating and I cannot wait for our next ride…

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Gotta Stay Up Late

You gotta stay up late this weekend.  The Perseid Meteor Shower hits the sky on Saturday.  The meteors are named after the constellation Perseus.  Perseus is the constellation the Meteors seem to originate from.  This time of the year Perseus can be found just below Polaris, the North Star.

The exciting news is that the moon is close to New so there will be little to no light wash from the moon.

Best time is from midnight to 4am.  If you get the opportunity check it out!

For some previous thoughts and strategies on viewing a meteor shower check out one of my earlier posts…

Cheers and happy meteor viewing….

Oh, I will be viewing the shower from the Gathering of the Vibes show in Bridgeport…went last night and Dark Star Orchestra kicked some major buttocks.  Their show focused on Jerry Garcia…..yesterday was the anniversary of his passing.  It got me thinking that if Jerry was still alive he’d be some kind of deity….what influence he’d have on the world and people.

Be well Jerry, we miss ya! 

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Been a long time since I rock ‘ed and roll ‘ed

WOW!  What an unbelievable weekend.  Definitely put this old tired fat ass to the test.  Started Friday by working for 13 hours in a 128 degree kitchen….Swwwweeet.  Kicked major pizza ass and got through the day and night.

That led to Saturday…up early to VT to play Jew to J&D’s Pharaoh.  Unfortunately I knew our personal Moses dude wasn’t gonna show up to lead us to freedom.  So reluctantly we showed up to move us a large pile of rocks.  Actually, a more accurate statement would be a pile of LARGE rocks.  Christ on a crutch!  These were some big fucking rocks.  Maybe boulders would be more accurate…any bigger and the fucking things would need their own zip code.

I’d love to see the face of the truck driver that dropped them off.  Big ass smile as he thought, better them than me!

Damn things were heavy!  Lift with your legs was the mantra of the day.  Smooth flowing Heinie’s also helped ease the pain.

Lots of help from friends – S, K, S you know who you bee…..rock on!  You all kicked major rock.  Talk about being between a rock and a hard place….

The day went quick and the rocks got moved.  The only serious casualties were the carts that we used to haul these monsters around… much for the 1,000 capacity….that’s crap.

The team had time to jump in the pool, hit the ponies for a quick $120 YEE HAA and then grab some great chinese food….Who would have thunk that great chinese existed in the happy hamlet of borroville…

Got up on Sunday, not feeling too bad considering we moved a small pyramid of rocks, and realizing the Pharaoh’s had left their guard down and there were no duties to perform on this mighty day of rest.  That could mean only one thing – grab the dirt bikes and let’s roll.

Now here’s the funny thing…..I ain’t never been on a dirt bike in my life….maybe 35 years ago but who the hell can remember that far ago.  S & M – da boys told me it was not a big deal….sort of like mountain biking.

Hmmm, I thought, I really didn’t do to well at mountain biking….I remember that ill fated trip to Mt. Snow.  It sounded great in the brochure…..”Take a scenic ride up the chairlift to the top of the mountain and then ride down the beautifully scenic biking and skiing trails.”

After watching a video on the dangers of mountain biking and then signing a waiver that basically said, “if you are injured or die on the mountain the owners are not liable and just to add insult to the injury (or death) you are responsible for any costs incurred in removing your injured (or dead) body from the mountain.”

So after signing the waiver we got our bikes and gear ready in the parking lot.  My gear that day included a vintage mountain bike (no suspension), a pair of shorts, tank top, bandanna and sunglasses.  Unlike the dudes next to us who were putting on enough body armor to take on Darth Vader’s next wave of assault androids. 

It was at about this point that I was beginning to question my sanity for dragging L along to do this…Unfortunately the insane voice of my ego quickly squashed the sane voice of reason.

Up the lift we went…up and up and up and up, yes and up some more.  Getting off at the top we quickly turned left and began to descend via a series of switchbacks.  Just as the sane voice was beginning to believe the insane voice that everything was cool the trail fell off to the right and went straight down.  Unfortunately I realized it went straight down only after the front tire of my bike began to fall straight down into the void created by the lack of terra firma underneath it.

Uh oh, was the last thing I remember any voice in my head saying as my front tire was quickly stopped in mid air by a root the size of a large anaconda sending my ass flying over the front handlebars.  Mary Lou Retton would have been proud of the perfectly executed front somersault I performed.  She would have not liked the landing which was done on my ass.

Getting up I did a checklist of body parts and functions and all seemed well…..Getting back up on the bike…..always have to get back up; I made my way over to a wide open ski run.  This should be easier the insane voice said, sure said the obviously rattled sane voice.

Hmmm, I never realized how steep these ski runs are.  Wow!  Shit! Yikes! Oh crap….it was at this point I had both brakes locked (front and rear tire) and I was experiencing something I had never experienced before in my life…..I was continuing to accelerate down the mountain.  Isn’t the fundamental concept of brakes to slow one down?  AHHHHH, faster I went, hmmm how the fuck am I going to stop.  It was at that moment that I hit one of those dirt roads that traverse the ski hill.  BAM, BOOM, BAM….here we go again….off the front of the bike landing in thick heavy overgrown grass. 

Once again checking my appendages and discovering them all there I decided to do what any SANE person would do.  I proceeded to have a beautiful half hour hike with my bike as I walked down the rest of the mountain.  Once at the bottom we packed up the bikes and moved over to the cross country trails…..

Too be Continued


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