Good Newts

Fishy, fishy, fishy fish.  Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish.

I so wish I was a good fisherperson.  Unfortunately all the positation in the world can’t seem to help me catch a fish.  The funny thing is that I don’t even want the fish, I always catch and release.  Not that I have to do that too often since you don’t got to release anything unless there actually is a catch.

For me fishing is a lot about sitting around watching nothing happen.  Very Zen like. 

So with that as a back drop let me tell you about a recent fishing adventure. 

We rented a boat at a local reservoir known for its HUGE fish.  We then took all our gear down to the dock, where upon my bro almost fell in the water (no, he was sober); we got in the boat and began motoring out to take on the HUGE fish of the reservoir. 

We had been gone from the dock for about 10 minutes (not to far considering the 600lbs plus of humans in the boat and the 6 horsepower engine) when I asked my bro for a hook.  It was at that moment we realized we left ALL the tackle boxes on the dock.  As the great Homer would say, D’oh.

So we backtrack, get to the dock, pick up our tackle boxes, yes plural, not one, not two but three tackle boxes – D’oh

So, back out we go, this time tackle boxes in hand.

Half an hour later we’re at what seems to be a good fishing spot.  Not really sure how we decided upon that particular spot – maybe cuz it was sheltered from the 1000 MPH wind that was blowing 20 foot swells over the bow of our 14 foot aluminum boat, powered by the 6 horsepower motor.  OK, so the wind wasn’t 1,000 MPH and the swells were not 20 foot.  This I do know, there were whitecaps in the middle of this very large reservoir and the waves were crashing over the bow of the boat with enough frequency to get us all totally soaked. 

So we set about to catch us some HUGE fish.  Hooks were baited and lines thrown in.  It was at about this time when my bro decided to put our live bait bucket into the water to insure their viability prior to us using the little bastards as bait to lure the HUGE fish onto our hook. 

So here we are, enjoying the pristine scenery of this undeveloped expanse of water and land when I lookie into the water and what do I see.

Fish, beautiful little fish.  I think to myself, cool look at the little fish in the water, surely this is a sign from the fishing god that we’ll catch some fish today.  Did I tell you there is no fishing god?  Right as I was having that moment of fishing positation it dawned on me that those little fish were our fish.  Yep, the same fish we bought at the bait store and had so diligently stored in our bait bucket that was securely stored in the water.

“Yo bro,” I said.  “I think the top is open on our bait bucket.”

Grabbing the line he pulled up the topless bait bucket (Topless bait bucket – hmmm, sounds like a good name for a strip club.  Right up there with other nautical themed names:  The Bearded Clam, The Tuna Shack, Strippers and Stripers, I could go on…) only to find it empty of any bait.  God I love fishing. 

Yep, all of our live bait was now free to take on the world.  Maybe I should report this as a positive act to PETA.  Yeah, that’s it.  We did it on purpose…Ughh

Needless to say the rest of the day went as planned….I’ve reduced it to bullet form for those of you who don’t have all day:

  • bro left bail open on reel while we were motoring to a new spot…came within 2 feet of losing 60 yards of line and lure
  • watched plastic newt lure zoom 3 inches past my head at mach 2 after it got jerked outta the water by nephew
  • watched silver lure zoom past me, up shorts of nephew and snag into the outside of his thigh…I did that…oops
  • watched bro almost lose pole over side  (inches away)
  • saw the following clouds:  giant headless armless upper torso, mickey mouse transformed into a flying pluto, umbrella, hand grabbing a turkey, a turtle
  • saw two racing pigeons hanging out by the water, obviously not racing….got within 3 feet of them…stopped nephew from trying to catch them
  • saw a bald eagle
  • came up with a great idea for fishing….inflatable fish…lake trout, big bass or salmon.  The idea would be to inflate them and show them off to boats that pass by demonstrating ones fishing prowess.  You could then deflate them and put them in your tackle box so when you get back to the dock and they ask to see the fish you say you released it…
  • found a couple bottles of old rotten salmon eggs in tackle box….stinky
  • discovered that SPF 15 really works well
  • Had a safety inspection on a rented boat by the state police.  Oh yea, he also wanted to look in our cooler for alcohol (of which there was NONE).  Ha!  No $5oo dollar for you!  That’s the fine ($500) for having alcohol on board….

On top of all that, we had a great day, I laughed so hard at times I cried.  Seriously, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.  The thought of that lime green newt zooming by my head still makes me laugh.  Never mind the visual of those little shiners brightly lit up by the sunlight in that dark green water and me thinking how cute they were.

So, I got two weeks to regroup and get ready for the big time.  Surf casting on the ocean.  Smells of danger already!  Beware HUGE fish I am coming for ya!



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2 responses to “Good Newts

  1. Ellen Fenner

    Damn, you almost made me throw up from laughing again! Is it a positudinal overdose if you puke? You gotta warn me next time if it’s gonna be that funny so I can go pee FIRST!

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