Monthly Archives: July 2007

Send lawyers, guns and money….no, just send money

Help, send money, lots and lots of money.  If you need my bank routing number let me know. 

I am being held prisoner on the Island of Fiscal Irresponsibility.  It’s crazy, I had to take a ferry to get here and I swear that as soon as I set foot on the island some magical power came down and sucked all the money outta me.  Not only any cake I was carrying but also every cent of credit on any credit card I had in my wallet.

Shit, even my damn Staples card got maxed out in 30 seconds.

How expensive is it?  It just cost me $5.50 for a bag of ice!  I am thinking of buying a whole bunch of ice cube trays and going into business for myself.

Oops, just cost me $5.00 for a bag of potato chips.

The good news is that I can ration the chips and they’ll last me a few daze….this is crazy!

At least when it’s nice out I can retreat to the beach and try to catch something to eat. 

Update, the bad news is that given my total inability to catch a fish it looks like the only thing I am going to be eating is a “sand” wich.

Damn, I totally suck at fishing.  I suck so bad I may take up golfing.

Good news is that when I finally got on the beach and took off my shirt GreenPeace didn’t show up and try to clean out my blow hole and throw me in the water….Then again, I do think I had bigger boobies than anybody else on the beach….Ughhh getting old sucks.

Maybe GreenPeace showing up and cleaning out my blowhole wouldn’t have been a bad thing. 

Oh, the beautiful people…..they are just beautiful.  For a vacation I am finding these folks are a far greater challenge to my pozitoodinal view of the world than any one else I’ve run into. 

One highlight of the trip was visiting this very cool art gallery in Edgartown which has a magnificent collection of Alfred Eisenstaedt photographs.  Probably his most famous photo is the V-J Day Kiss.  The one of the American sailor kissing a young woman in Times Square in 1945.  They have that photo along with a number of incredible photo’s of his on display.

The historical moments of time and emotion he was able to witness and capture through the lens of his camera is simply amazing.  In this day and age of papparazzi and cell phone cameras I am not sure we’ll ever see a single photographer capture the breadth and scope of humans and our experience on this planet like Mr. Eisenstaedt.

Just so you know there is also a collection of some amazing art work at the gallery too.

Well, my battery is running out more quickly than the funds for this round of drinks at the Wharf…..till next time.

Hold that door open, smile, talk to others like you want to have people talk to you and most important be that beacon of pozitoodinal brightness for the world around you!

Later

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Ode to a Summer Night

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How long has your light taken to get this far?

Light pollution has washed most of you away
Why isn’t Al Gore checking out the milky way 

I can see the north star bright and hot
Or is that the Walmart parking lot

Close my eyes and I already do know
That the buzzing around my head is a fuck-ing mos-qui-to

Summer nights like this would be a winner
If I wasn’t being eaten by bugs like I am some TV dinner

Ouch, you little bastards come back here I cry
In trying to swat them I punch myself in the eye

Look at that this one it looks like little Bush
The one that looked like Cheney already got smooshed

They attack my scalp without any fear
Good thing I have an endless supply of cold beer

Twinkle, twinkle little conspiring pieces of crap
Maybe next time I’ll try my hand at rap 

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Pozitoodinally Righteous

It is going to be a fucking great day!  No really, a smashingly fucking great day!  Why, WHY NOT FUCKERS!

Soooo much going on and none of it in reality.  Think about that for a minute.  Neurons are working overtime this week spreading the pozitoodinal love.

Recent feedback on pozitood has been great.  We’re actually getting a few converts over to the bright side of pozitood.  Shit, you might dare to say we’re getting pozi-traction!  Those beacons of pozitood are standing out like a lighthouse on a foggy Vineyard night.

Spoke with some folks over the holiday and they are embracing the live today and spread the love and it’s fucking making a difference in their lives.

ROCK FUCKING ON!

It was funny; too me at least, one of them said that they never realized that there is so much negativity at every level of interaction in the world today.  They witnessed it at work, out in the populous, driving, at home – simply everywhere.

I thought of a great analogy (great to me at least).  6 Years ago I was forced by the state of Massachusetts to abstain from any drugs or alcohol for a year.  Yep, I was stupid and got caught driving while intoxicated.  Actually, I didn’t get caught.  I caught myself by driving into a telephone pole 100 yards from my driveway.  Not one of those pozitoodinal moments in my life.  But hey, we learned and moved forward and yes I went a year with no drugs or alcohol.  Back to my point…..

I had no idea how much alcohol had ingrained itself into the fabric of this country until I wasn’t drinking.  My god talk about a problem.  The biggest challenge was in the business arena.  Try to take a big customer out for dinner and not have a drink.  Yikes, it would have been easier to tell them I had ebola. 

Much like alcohol, negativity has ingrained itself throughout our society.  As we’ve discussed in the past, it doesn’t help to have said negativity reinforced by every form of media today.  It’s funny, but we seem to have an easier time of saying something negative about someone or too someone rather than saying something positive.

Shit, I know there are times when you need to be critical or remand someone for their actions but it can be done with a positive tone.  I read a blog the other day where someone told someone to fuck off.  Maybe that person could have shared their actual feelings rather than telling the person to fuck off…..hate will kill ya quicker than a hollow point to the temple.

Having recently joined the army of the unemployed I had the opportunity to speak with a vocational counselor who asked me what I did and if I could share one of the most proud things I did in my corporate tenure.  I thought about it for a few minutes and relayed the following proud corporate moment….

About 5 years ago I had a woman working for me who was in her mid 50’s and a nurse.  Note:  nurses are the worst patients in the world.  This nurse had been having a tough go with diabetes and was out of work a lot.  So much so that unbeknownst to my boss, I let her work from home a couple days of the week.

One day she came in to me and told me that she was going to take a leave of absence to deal with her illness.  She relayed the fact that her doctor had told her that she needed to begin a dialysis treatment regiment that was going to be painful and to some extent embarrassing to her.  She told me she had decided against her family wishes and not undertake the dialysis treatment and she told me she was ready to die.

I sat there for a few minutes reflecting on what she had told me.  I looked at Mary (not her real name) and said, “Mary we’ve known each other for 12 years and you’ve worked for me directly for 4 years.  In all that time I have known you to be opinionated, a pain in my ass, stubborn and at times impossible to manage yet I have never, ever known you to be a quitter.  To be honest Mary, I am shocked by the fact that you of all people would decide at this time to quit and not have the dialysis treatment, to be honest I am disappointed in your decision.”

Mary thanked me for my honest feedback and left my office, packed up her stuff and started her leave of absence.

About a week later I received a call from Mary’s brother Alan (not his real name).  I took the call and Alan said that he and his family wanted to thank me. 

“Why, I asked?

“I don’t know what you said to Mary but she said that you were the one to convince her to have the dialysis treatment that will save her life,” said Alan.

Dumbfound I sat there and said nothing for a good 30 seconds.  Then I said to Alan, “thanks, I didn’t tell Mary anything she didn’t already know, I just had to remind her of the power she has within herself and light the fuse for her to act on it.”

“Well whatever you said, you saved my sisters life and we all want you to know how much we appreciate what you did,” Alan finished.

The vocational counselor sat there and simply looked at me and said, “I don’t know if I ever worked with someone quite like you.”  “Oh, I can guarantee you Sylvia, you have never worked with someone like me,” I said.

 With that I leave you with the lyrics from a brilliant song, written for a brilliant star whose light was extinguished way too early……shine on Syd where ever you may be.  Cheers

Shine on You Crazy Diamond (Waters, Gilmore)

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

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Mental Hairballs

Good Tuesday morning world!  A balmy 54 degrees this morning here in the Happy Valley!  Brrrrrrr. 

As most of you know, simply by reading my posts, I don’t really think when I write.  It’s more a stream of mental vomit coming out of my brain through my fingers onto the keyboard and into your world via this blog.  When I have to think about writing my brain tends to say piss off, fuck you, I ain’t gonna do nothing.  Most of the time there is enough external stimuli (I really just wanted to type the word stimuli) to motivate the last few neurons and synaptic connections in my brain to fire up and get the word vomit machine moving.  For the past few days the world has been so negative I’ve just shut down, I think I’ve got me a brain hairball.  I may not be very smart, however, I am smart enough to know when I need to recharge the positudinal batteries so that I can be that spotlight of love in an otherwise dark night.

It seems like a shitstorm is brewing around every corner these daze.  Whether it’s at a personal level or an international level. 

We got the threat of terror on the front pages, Bush in the white house, scooter libby on the lam, Paris outta jail, Nicole going into jail, wildfires and flooding mutually ransacking america, Iran and Iraq, Israel and Palestine, China and North Korea, global warming, global cooling, Obama, Clinton, Guliani and more…..I have seen friends berating friends without taking the time to listen and hear, couples emotionally beating each other up because they’ve forgotten to invest the time to know each other and everyone seems to be standing around with their hands out wanting more and more and giving less and less.

Wow, talk about a fucking brain hairball.  I feel so much better after I coughed that fucker up.

Nothing better than coughing up a negative thought hairball.  I know it’s kinda gross but fuck it.  Better to cough that bad boy up on the kitchen floor than have it lodged in your brain all day.  Maybe we should have a negative hairball cough up day?  I need to work on the title of the day it’s still a wee bit cumbersome.

Hey, maybe we could get Hallmark to buy in to the idea and create some cough up your negative hairball cards…

I can see them now, a big gooey, gray, phlegm encrusted mental hairball of negative thoughts on the cover with the word congratulations above it.  You open the card and theirs one of dem yellow smiley faces saying be happy.

I love it!  Ya gotta add that to your positational start process….note:  cough up negative mental hairball.  If you got no hairball even better!

Be nice to someone today.  Someone you know or even better someone you don’t know.  The cool thing is it will make a difference.

The other day I was driving by a gas station and I saw one of the guys from my bank helping this older woman get the gas pump working.  Very cool.  Next day I was at the bank and asked the manager what his name was (the guy I saw the day before was waiting on another customer).  I then proceeded to call his name out and told him that I saw what he did yesterday and I thought it was very cool.  I did that in front of his manager and a couple other customers.  The vibe was sweet.

On that note I need to go get a cup of joe.  I’ll leave you with this great quote from Harry S. Truman, “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”

So folks, no turd kickin today, only love and mental hairballs!

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Braino 2

Once again time to clean out the brain….

Why is it that I love hot coffee but hate anything cold that is coffee flavored

We need a pull up your pants/shorts day.  I am tired of seeing guys underwear

Low cut pants women wear today made me realize how much distance there is between the belly button and the hey nonnie, nonnie.   It doesn’t seem that long when you’re there…

I am not ashamed to admit I love quarterpounders with cheese

We need a new holiday called – No email or Cell phone day

In my mind I am going to Carolina

Bad News – I just learned what a spank bank is

Good News – My bank is almost already filled

Most people don’t get it, what, it 

Ever have a hangnail that feels like it goes all the way up to your shoulder – ouch

Always remember people’s names

Bald Eagles are cool

It’s ok to say I don’t know

Shot guns and anti-depressants don’t go together

I laugh everytime I say Uranus

People have to learn to laugh at themselves

I don’t think Paris should have gone to jail….weird she served more time than OJ…. 

Does anyone else find it ironic that most wars are over religion

As a fan for 40 years I have never been this disappointed in a Yankees team

Happy 4th of July birthday Al Davis and George Steinbrenner.  George, we need to fix the Yankees.  Al, you need to sell the Raiders

Bottle rockets and pubic hair don’t mix

When will we hear the first classic alternative music radio station

I miss the Open Container Speedway…where you b mike e?

I love pulling up next to a car at a light and just smiling at the person

Always take juice over cake

Fuck doesn’t get the literary respect it should

You need to work spooge and gick into a conversation this week

Anybody seen my skink?

Dr. Seuss was pretty fucking cool

Check out http://www.drseussart.com/secret.html

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Good Newts

Fishy, fishy, fishy fish.  Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish.

I so wish I was a good fisherperson.  Unfortunately all the positation in the world can’t seem to help me catch a fish.  The funny thing is that I don’t even want the fish, I always catch and release.  Not that I have to do that too often since you don’t got to release anything unless there actually is a catch.

For me fishing is a lot about sitting around watching nothing happen.  Very Zen like. 

So with that as a back drop let me tell you about a recent fishing adventure. 

We rented a boat at a local reservoir known for its HUGE fish.  We then took all our gear down to the dock, where upon my bro almost fell in the water (no, he was sober); we got in the boat and began motoring out to take on the HUGE fish of the reservoir. 

We had been gone from the dock for about 10 minutes (not to far considering the 600lbs plus of humans in the boat and the 6 horsepower engine) when I asked my bro for a hook.  It was at that moment we realized we left ALL the tackle boxes on the dock.  As the great Homer would say, D’oh.

So we backtrack, get to the dock, pick up our tackle boxes, yes plural, not one, not two but three tackle boxes – D’oh

So, back out we go, this time tackle boxes in hand.

Half an hour later we’re at what seems to be a good fishing spot.  Not really sure how we decided upon that particular spot – maybe cuz it was sheltered from the 1000 MPH wind that was blowing 20 foot swells over the bow of our 14 foot aluminum boat, powered by the 6 horsepower motor.  OK, so the wind wasn’t 1,000 MPH and the swells were not 20 foot.  This I do know, there were whitecaps in the middle of this very large reservoir and the waves were crashing over the bow of the boat with enough frequency to get us all totally soaked. 

So we set about to catch us some HUGE fish.  Hooks were baited and lines thrown in.  It was at about this time when my bro decided to put our live bait bucket into the water to insure their viability prior to us using the little bastards as bait to lure the HUGE fish onto our hook. 

So here we are, enjoying the pristine scenery of this undeveloped expanse of water and land when I lookie into the water and what do I see.

Fish, beautiful little fish.  I think to myself, cool look at the little fish in the water, surely this is a sign from the fishing god that we’ll catch some fish today.  Did I tell you there is no fishing god?  Right as I was having that moment of fishing positation it dawned on me that those little fish were our fish.  Yep, the same fish we bought at the bait store and had so diligently stored in our bait bucket that was securely stored in the water.

“Yo bro,” I said.  “I think the top is open on our bait bucket.”

Grabbing the line he pulled up the topless bait bucket (Topless bait bucket – hmmm, sounds like a good name for a strip club.  Right up there with other nautical themed names:  The Bearded Clam, The Tuna Shack, Strippers and Stripers, I could go on…) only to find it empty of any bait.  God I love fishing. 

Yep, all of our live bait was now free to take on the world.  Maybe I should report this as a positive act to PETA.  Yeah, that’s it.  We did it on purpose…Ughh

Needless to say the rest of the day went as planned….I’ve reduced it to bullet form for those of you who don’t have all day:

  • bro left bail open on reel while we were motoring to a new spot…came within 2 feet of losing 60 yards of line and lure
  • watched plastic newt lure zoom 3 inches past my head at mach 2 after it got jerked outta the water by nephew
  • watched silver lure zoom past me, up shorts of nephew and snag into the outside of his thigh…I did that…oops
  • watched bro almost lose pole over side  (inches away)
  • saw the following clouds:  giant headless armless upper torso, mickey mouse transformed into a flying pluto, umbrella, hand grabbing a turkey, a turtle
  • saw two racing pigeons hanging out by the water, obviously not racing….got within 3 feet of them…stopped nephew from trying to catch them
  • saw a bald eagle
  • came up with a great idea for fishing….inflatable fish…lake trout, big bass or salmon.  The idea would be to inflate them and show them off to boats that pass by demonstrating ones fishing prowess.  You could then deflate them and put them in your tackle box so when you get back to the dock and they ask to see the fish you say you released it…
  • found a couple bottles of old rotten salmon eggs in tackle box….stinky
  • discovered that SPF 15 really works well
  • Had a safety inspection on a rented boat by the state police.  Oh yea, he also wanted to look in our cooler for alcohol (of which there was NONE).  Ha!  No $5oo dollar for you!  That’s the fine ($500) for having alcohol on board….

On top of all that, we had a great day, I laughed so hard at times I cried.  Seriously, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.  The thought of that lime green newt zooming by my head still makes me laugh.  Never mind the visual of those little shiners brightly lit up by the sunlight in that dark green water and me thinking how cute they were.

So, I got two weeks to regroup and get ready for the big time.  Surf casting on the ocean.  Smells of danger already!  Beware HUGE fish I am coming for ya!

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