Driving Commandments

Good to see the pope and da boys at the Vatican are keeping busy.  Just saw they released a set of ten commandments for the road.

Having an active imagination and a rudimentary background in Christianity I seem to recall that the original ten commandments were presented to a one Moses atop of Mount Sinai via a burning bush.  That may have been the movie version but I think it’s close.

So, do these new commandments come with the same dramatic flair?  Was the Pope mobile is going down the road when it suddenly came upon a burning tire?  Seeing this as a religious moment the Pope ordered his driver to pull over to investigate, where upon the pope got out and started talking to the burning tire which then revealed itself to the pope as I am who I am and started barking out driving commandments?

That reminds me of a funny pope joke….

The pope had landed at the airport and was picked up by a limousine and they started heading into the city for an important meeting when all of a sudden the pope tapped on the divider window.  The limo driver rolled down the window and asked his eminence what he wanted. 

“I want to drive the limo,” the pope said.

“But your excellency I am not sure that would be appropriate,” stated the driver

“Please, no one ever lets me drive,” the pope pleaded.

So reluctantly the driver pulled over and switched places with the pope.

Now the pope took off speeding down the highway at 15 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

Sure enough, not two minutes later a cop was behind the limo with his lights on signally the limo to pull over.

With a sigh the pope pulled over.

The cop walked up to the window and took one look at the pope and ran back to his car and got on the radio to the chief

“Chief, chief, you’re not going to believe this.  I pulled over a limo for speeding and I think there is somebody really important inside.”

“McCarthy, what do you mean really important?  Is it the mayor?

“No”

“Is it the senator?”

“No”

“McCarthy, is it the damn president.”

“No.”

“McCarthy!  WHO THE HELL IS IT?

“Chief, I don’t know who it is, but he has the pope as a chauffeur!

Now back to the inspirational burning tire of I am…

Here are the commandments that were posted on line

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Now I don’t know about you but I am not sure 7am on route 128 going into Boston or I95 South going into NYC is really the right time for any type of communion.  As far as number 9 goes…maybe there is some truth to that saying that size matters….

That said, in the true spirit of positudeness I offer my own list of my own commandments.  Some quite simple and others a little more complex…

1.  If thou are making a turn use thee effing turn signal

2.  If thou lookest down the road and see a car quickly approaching do notest thou pull out directly in front of said car and proceed to go 10 miles an hour.

3.  When another car approacheth from thee other direction in the opposite lane thou does not need to apply ones brakes.

4.  When driving on the highway thou should not be applying eye makeup (especially if thou art a male).   Not that there is anything wrong with that.

5.  When driving on a highway thou shalt remember that the left lane is for going wicked fast, not wicked slow.  If thee finds oneself in this lane with a long line a cars behind thee thou shall pull over to the right lane and let the cars pass.

6.  If thou can read the digits on the radio in the car in front of thee, thee are tailgating which is strictly prohibited by I am who I am

7.  Thou shall not read the morning sports pages from the Boston Globe while going 75 miles per hour

8.  If thee cometh upon a traffic jam in which all three lanes of traffic are at a dead stop and one continues honking ones horn and changing lanes like Hillary Clinton changes her opinions thou shall be smitten in a horrible and nasty way.

9.  If one is driving in one direction on the highway and there happens to be an accident, or a policeman, or a tow truck, or a highway crew on the other side of the highway, it is not necessary to decrease ones speed by 45 miles per hour. 

10.  Last but not least, thou shalt braketh for small fury animals in the road way.  Failure to brake for very large, moose like animals in the roadway would just be stupid.

So folks, next time you’re out and about and come across a burning tire….maybe, just maybe you should get out and investigate.  With my luck I’d extinguish the burning tire thinking I was doing the right thing when in fact I’d probably be bringing armaggedon upon us. 

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