Why Bunt when you can Swing Away

Ah, I woke up today and the positive ions were all about me, along with a nice deep pillow crease down the right side of my face.  This can mean only one thing, a great night’s sleep.  One of those drooly, stick your face to the pillow sleeps.

Joke – Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?  It’s making headlines.  Hahaha

So I sit here, shaking off a weeks worth of self induced sloth with a large piping hot cup of joe reflecting on the week that has just past when I realize I am freezing my ass off.  Yep my ass just literally froze and fell off.  It’s sitting on the ground like one of those plastic costume butts.  Now I have to stand, cuz without my ass I can’t sit.

Do you know how hard it is to type standing? 

Ha, duct tape.  I just found the 1,003 use for duct tape.  Yep, taping one’s ass back onto their body after it’s been frozen and fell off.  Hmmm, feels pretty comfortable, just hope the duct tape will hold when I take a shower.

So what the heck is going on, it’s 52 degrees outside.  Shit, it’s fucking June something it shouldn’t be this cold.  Where’s Al Gore when you need him.  At least I could sit in his hybrid car and warm up. 

Don’t ya love the people that tell ya that global warming can’t be true because it’s cold out in June.  Ha, ha, ha, ha….I love the fucking ignorant masses.  I can hear them a Camp davey now….

“Yep, George, so much for that globe warm thing.  If you ask me I think its’ a crock of shit.”

“Yur so right Dick, I’m fixin’ to turn on the furnace to warm up the camp.”

“Good thing we had that oil tank topped off last week George, cuz ya know burning all  those scooter libby and gonzalez documents would only heat this place for a couple days.”

“Ha, Dick, that’s funny, good thing you had the number of that company.  What was the name of it, halliberry, richardburton, haley’scomet, damn I can’t remember.”

“George, you are too funny.  It’s Halliburton.”

And so it goes……

Holy batman shit! 

I totally forgot that it’s Flag Day.  June 14th!  Yikes, I have done nothing to plan for this day.

Shit.  I don’t think my flag boxers are even clean.  Damn.  I’ll be right back.

Phew, sorry bout that, I had to get a load of laundry going….gotta have them flag boxers to wear.  If I only had a flag bandanna, that would be cool….or maybe a flag tattoo or flag socks. 

Oh man, I totally fucked this up.  I have no party planned, no invitations were sent out, nothing.  I got no cards to give anyone.  Hmmm, does Hallmark make Flag Day cards?  I am sure they do, they make em for every other day.

You know, like the glad your alive day card.

It has either a bunny or a bunch of balloons on the cover with a happy little person painted in pastel colors saying, “I am so glad” and on the inside it has some flowers and a soft cloud and says, “that you’re alive today.”  Blechht.

A wee bit of a tangent there….flag day.  Damn I don’t even have a flag to display.  Damn, does that make me un-American?  Damn, damn, damn.

Here are a few fun facts about the flag:

  • The flag should never be dipped to any person or thing. It is flown upside down only as a distress signal. (I never knew that about the distress thing.  I think one time I was kayaking and paddled past a boat with the flag upside down, I just thought they were stupid, I hope they weren’t in too much trouble).
  • The flag should not be used as a drapery, or for covering a speakers desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general. Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top.
  • The flag should never be used for any advertising purpose. It should not be embroidered, printed or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, handkerchiefs, napkins, boxes, or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use. Advertising signs should not be attached to the staff or halyard
  • The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman and members of patriotic organizations.
  • The flag should never have placed on it, or attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, number, figure, or drawing of any kind.
  • The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.

OK, I admit….if the above are like those ten commandment things I need to go to flag confessional cuz I have probably violated everyone of these.  Or at least known somebody that violated one of these.

Shit, can you imagine dropping a dime on grandma cuz she knitted a pillow with a flag in it.  He,he,he.  I can see it now…..the flag police busting grandma cuz she embroidered a fucking flag on a pillow.

I do have one question – what the fuck is a bunting? I thought bunting was a verb not a noun.  Wait, isn’t there a bird called a bunting?  Yea, yea an Indigo Bunting.  Maybe that’s what they mean….always make sure the indigo bunting sits on top.  Top of what.   I am confused….

Did you know that the Indigo Bunting migrates at night and uses the stars for navigation?  They master this skill as young little buntings observing the night sky.  Do you care?  You should and here’s why.  Next time you’re at a party and involved in one of those conversations from hell, interject this bunting fact.  Who cares what the conversation is about, just interrupt.  It will be righteously funny.  For example:

Person 1 “So, can you believe Jim and Barbara painted their house that awful blue.”

Person 2 “Well, it isn’t that bad, what about Bob and Joan’s new plastic fence.”

Person 1 “That’s bad, but I think the blue is worse.”

Person 2 “You may be right.  Did you see they have a new deli counter at the market.”

Person 1 “Oh yes, I bought a 1/2 pound of cheese there yesterday”

Person 2 “That is so funny, so did I.  Was it white American cheese?”

Person 1 “Oh, my god, how did you know”

You – “Did you know that the Indigo Bunting migrates at night using stars for navigation”

Person 1 ” Huh, I have to go to get more punch.”

Person 2 “Ah, no I didn’t know that, look it’s Janet, I gotta run, bye.”

Trust me – it works everytime! 

Cheers Mr. Speedway!  Way to swing away instead of bunting.  Too often folks play it safe.  Don’t want to risk it, don’t want to take a chance. 

Screw em, what good is it if the game ends and you’re still on first base.  

Good for you Mr. Speedway, take a chance steal second or swing for the fences.  It’s your game, play it to win and enjoy the adventure every fucking step of the way.

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