I got hurts where I didn’t even know I had nerve endings….never mind muscles. We thought it would be a great idea to put down a new laminate floor in mom’s bedroom for mothers day. In retrospect it was a great idea and a great gift and mom seemed to genuinely love it. Kudos to my bro for the idea and spending most of the day kneeling on the floor putting in the damn stuff and to my sis for chipping in with some cake and being the excellent cook for the day. Most importantly sis made sure our Sierra Nevada’s never went dry.
The process was pretty simple….clean out the room, pull up the rug, put down some laminate flooring, clean up and go home. One question – who the fuck invented carpet strips? These domestic punji sticks attacked me all day and night. Shit they even attacked me today when I went to move the bag of trash we brought home. These nasty little pieces of wood are chock full of the sharpest little metal tacks….bastards.
All in all the shit went in pretty easy….lots of cutting, lots of walking back and forth to the table saw, lots of punji stick attacks and lots of laminate dust from cutting. I got a nose full of laminate boogers this morning…shit’s like glue…
Oh did I mention the mutha fuckin’ black flies (BF)are out already in the Monadnock area. They swarmed me like paparazzi to Brittany’s beaver….man oh man. I look like someone did one of dem allergy tests on me….the little fucker’s…
Did you know Nude Hamster is home to 40 different species of black flies, that figures. Oh and by the way…ONLY the females bite, that figures…
In Nude Hamster There are only two species that bite – Prosimulium mixtum and Simulium venustum. Simulium venustum, the so-called “white-stockinged” black fly emerges in early to mid-May in southern Nude Hampster and remains a pest until late May.
Guess where I was yesterday…yep, southern Nude Hampster
I had my own personal blood drive yesterday thanks to the little fuckers. The worst thing was that to add insult to injury I must have swallowed a few hundred too.
Mom came to the rescue with some Woodsman bug repellent….sweet, now, not only was I still getting eaten alive but at least I smelled like a new telephone pole.
The solution however, was at hand….I took a bright yellow/orange shirt and tied it around my head (bandanna style) to prevent the fuckers from simply landing on my head and drilling for blood. Unknown to me at the time is that light colors such as orange, yellow and light blue are less attractive to black flies…who knew?
So what did I learn from all of this:
- Don’t do anything outside in Nude Hampster from now until fathers day
- I have never been attacked by a swarm of black flies in a bar
- I have never been attacked by a swarm of black flies at OTB
- Laminate floors are very easy to put in, look great, but if you’re a fat, bald dude who is outta shape….you will be sore the next day
- Sierra Nevada makes great beer
- Nothing is better than a handmade cheeseburger grilled to perfection with lettuce and tomato and fried onions
- Grilled cheesedogs with mustard and raw onion are a close second to the cheeseburger
- Punji sticks are in use today
- Don’t happen to lean onto a lit cigar…it hurts
- It’s Preakness Week ….Yeah Baby!!!