It’s 5am and Otis is licking my face.  Ughhhh.  He needs to go outside and take a leak.  Joy.

Being the responsible dad I get outta bed, slide into my sneakers, thrown on my raincoat, fasten his leash onto his collar and head outside.

It’s predawn (5am) cold (40 degrees) raw (raining) and I am standing with my dog and I am wearing a t-shirt, soccer shorts, sneakers and raincoat on my front lawn.  I am not cold, I feel, well, alive. 

Otis and I are both answering natures call when I am jolted out of my “nature’s call” meditation by the cries of coyotes not 50 feet from where we are standing….or should I say leaking. 

Jolted may not be accurate.  Accurate would be – “when I have the crap scared out of me and I piss all over my leg because I am confident that I am about to get attacked by some fiendish unseen ghoul.” 

The sound the coyotes make can best be described as a most heinous combination of laughter and death scream.  It’s a sound that I associate with vintage Stephen King.  At least it’s the sound I would create in my head when reading vintage Stephen King.  Vintage as opposed to formulaic.

To my utter amazement, my friend Otis (the dog with the genetic pedigree to be the protector of the flock) instead of responding to the coyote screams with barking and protection, runs and hides behind me.

I stand there not moving, searching the woods that frame my lawn with my eyes for any movement. 

I hold my breath in hopes of hearing the rustling of new fallen leaves indicating the ghouls are moving.

Nothing.  Not a damn thing.

Then, without warning a second flurry of coyote screams and  laughter.  No response from Otis.

Ok, now I am pissed (no pun intended).  I scream at the coyotes and then I hear the rustling.  They are moving away – I think they are laughing as they dance off deeper into the woods.  Laughing I am sure that they made me piss all over my leg.

I turn around to find Otis totally oblivious to any of the drama that had just occurred.  Nope, he is sitting there more interested in the leaf stuck to his nose than any death match standoff we just had with the coyotes.

I slog back into the house, wash off my leg and lay back in bed, soon joined by a 90 pound sheepdog who lays next to me and puts his wet leaf encrusted head on my chest.  Instantly he falls asleep and starts snoring.  I have no such luck.  The adrenaline from our encounter with the evil coyotes is preventing me from finding sleep.  Otis on the other hand is probably dreaming of bunnies and wet leaves.

A couple facts: 

I am a jerk
I love animals
I tend to avoid preaching to people about anything.  I do enjoy a good debate and I have strong opinions and respect others who may have differing opinions.
I am a forgiving person

However, this morning I am conflicted about whether I should be happy for Michael Vick given his new marketing deal with Nike or should I be angry with Nike about signing a convicted dog torturer and killer to help them sell their brand.

Funny how two plus years ago Nike couldn’t distance themselves fast enough from the troubled Vick.   Shit, they would have beat that Bolt dude in a 100 meter race hands down.  Yet now, after the NFL has welcomed him back into their fold, Nike once again, has entered into a contract with Mr. Vick to help them sell their shit. 

I know, he served his time….blah, blah, blah.  Here’s a guy who with no demonstrated remorse – until he got caught – either participated in or was party to killing of dogs by electrocution, slamming them onto the concrete floor or drowning them.  Three words – Fucking Douche Bag.

This was not accidental, this was not a crime of passion, this was premeditated.  Can you imagine waking up in the morning thinking about how you’re going to kill a dog today?  I am curious, how does the state or  the NFL rehabilitate someone from thinking that way.  Maybe an electronic sound soother that mixes happy puppy barking, whale sounds and rainforest thunderstorms?  No really, how does one rehabilitate someone who has no issue with killing dogs.  Is there somewhere in this country a rehab center for dog torturers and dog killers?  Is it true that one day you wake up and say I am not going to kill dogs anymore?  Bullshit. 

It makes me sick.  But what can I do? 

My guess is Michael Vick will be a model “NFL citizen.”  Shit, if I lost over $100 million due to my own evilness and had the chance to get some of it back by changing my colors I would do my best to convince everyone that I am a puppy loving, doggie grooming, plastic bag poop picking up dog lover.

Then there’s Nike.  The multinational, multi billion dollar corporation led by Mark Parker (President and CEO).  What can I do – not much.  However I will not ever, ever, spend a single cent of my money on a Nike or Nike division (Converse, Hurley, Nike Golf, Umbro) product again. 

I love this Nike Responsibility mission statement found on their website.  Mission position (bend over) might be a better phrase.

Nike sees corporate responsibility as an integral part of how we can use the power of our brand, the energy and passion of our people, and the scale of our business to create meaningful change.

The opportunity is greater than ever for corporate responsibility principles and practices to deliver business returns and become a driver of growth, to build deeper consumer and community connections and to create positive social and environmental impact in the world.

I wonder what those Nike marketing headliners like Tiger Woods, Michael Jordon or Lebron James think about adding Michael Vick as a Nike brand peer.

Hey Tiger – you and Mr. Vick going to play some golf soon?  Probably.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on Nike – they have a wonderful Foundation that is doing great things for adolescent girls around the world and they are committed to working for climate change and supporting rainforest preservation.

Maybe, I will come around one day and believe that Nike is doing more good than harm in this big world of ours.  

That day my friends, just doesn’t happen to be today.

Update – hot off the wire as of 11:05 am….remember when the wire actually meant something and it wasn’t simply a name for some cable show…..

Nike is now saying that don’t have a contract with Michael Vick. Nike is simply saying that have reached an agreement to supply Mr. Vick with Nike product.  

Stay tuned kids to this same bat channel for further Nike Vick updates.  NOT!!!!!!

One more thing on this fine Friday morning in central New England.  So here I am shaving this morning and notice a wee little hair protruding from one of my nostrils.  So in my infinite wisdom I grab tweezers and move to yank out the little fucker. 

Well, that was a big mistake.  How the hell did I know the hair was connected to the back of my optic nerve by kevlar reinforcing lines.   Sure enough I go to pull it out and just as I give it a good yank it slips out from tweezer grasp.  It slips out, but not after first pulling my optic nerve halfway outta my head and causing me such pain that both of my eyes teared up.  OUCHIE!

Great, so now I still have this little fucking nose hair sticking outta my nostril, tears running down my face and an optic nerve that is really pissed off at me.  I have no choice but to attempt to make the pull again.  So with great trepidation I make my move.  Damn this is gonna hurt.

I repeat the process and this time I get the little bastard.  However,  again it goes with a fight and tears are running down my face again and there is a pain deep in my head that really, really fucking hurts.

So what did I learn today – clip it don’t rip it.

Below is an original post of mine from October of 2007.  Based on a few animated conversations with friends I thought it would be appropriate to update it for 2009.

The Fall Classic – nope, I am not talking about the World Series of Baseball.  Nope.  I am talking about the Fall Classic.  The championship of championships.   The only sport that encourages the use of performance enhancing drugs, is violently opposed to dog fighting, supports all efforts to decriminalize the use of David aka Mr. Puff Puff and is still in search of that corporate sponsorship and ESPN coverage.  I can see it now – signs all over the 1970 Sport Fury from our sponsors -  Ez-Wider, Oreo cookies, Lays potato chips, Stone Brewing Co., Greenflash Brewing, High Times.  Shit, for the right coin I have no problem selling out. 

I’d love to hear the commentary on ESPN.  They could have the dudes that do Nascar races cover the Fall Classic.  Shit, it would be more interesting than talking about cars making only left turns for 5 hours.

It could go something like this:

Daryl:  Well then Brad it looks like Nick has taken a more aggressive position since he was handed the keys to the car from Pat.  Nick inherited a line of 5 cars behind him and he has already increased it by 3.  He does have to be careful because at 42 miles an hour in a 50 MPH zone he is quickly moving into that neutral speed activation range.

Brad:  Well Daryl, I think you’re full of crap.  Pat had a fine run going and the only thing Nick has done is fog up the windows and …..

Daryl:  HOLD ON NOW BRAD, I think Nick just spilled his Greenflash IPA – if so that is a 10 point deduction for alcohol abuse.

Brad:  Holy Jeebus Daryl, I think you’re right.  Let’s go back to the slo-mo replay and see if some of that fine Greenflash IPA actually tumbled from the cup and into Nick’s lap.  YEP, I can see it clear as day Daryl….

I could go on…… 

Before we kick off the Fall Classic we need to acquire a few things.

First is a big ole car from the 1970’s.  You know one of those cars from a time when Buicks were cool.  Actually, I am not sure Buicks were ever cool.  There are a lot of decent choices.  The Chevy Impala or Caprice are noble choices as is the Ford Galaxy 500 series.  My choice is the 1970 Plymouth Sport Fury GT.  Why the Sport Fury?  Cuz it’s the embodiment of all things american.  Shit, it had enough metal in it to build 4 or 5 Subaru’s.  It’s one of the largest two door coupe’s ever produced and was powered by a 440cubic in. engine capable of producing 390 horsepower.  This engine also generate 490 ft. lbs. of stump pulling torque.   Plus there were less than 700 of them built!  Less than 20 had the “6-pack” option (3 dual carburetors)  vrooom, vrooom.

It was almost 18 feet long (think Chevy Suburban) and over 6 and a half feet wide.  In this instance, size does matter.   It makes a fucking Hummer look like a Geo.  Plus, it’s great, great, great grandma was the 1958 Fury which was Stephen King’s Christine.   Talk about a bitchin car…..

OK.  We got our car.  Next we need some big ol’ fake glasses and a gray or blue haired old lady wig.  Also, as recommended by my my friend Nick, we need some baubles like a pearl necklace (don’t go there), maybe a strand or two of Mardi Gras beads or maybe a fine “Easter like” bonnet. 

Finally, the Fall Classic would not be complete without a cornucopia of synaptic provocateurs for the ride.

Here’s the game.  We load up the car with stuff for the weekend and put on our wigs and glasses to complete that “Leaf Peeper” look and then head out to the back roads of New England to terrorize all those folks looking at the foliage….we’re gonna leaf peep the leaf peepers.   

Here’s the skinny – you got this huge fucking car that, when the accelerator is depressed to the floor, will generate enough torque to rip your head off  right off your fucking shoulders.  The car is the key.  You will use it to create a rolling road block.  Nothing better than slowly cruising up route 103, 5, 100, 4…etc. in Vermont with a funeral parade of cars behind you and some great tunes flowing out the windows. 

Hehehehehehehehehe.  

The scoring is as follows:

1.   You get one point  for every car that you can get stuck behind you.  You get 2 points for every car stuck behind you if your speed is less than 25 mph.  If you get more than 10 cars stuck behind you there is a 2x multiplier for every next car that ends up stuck behind you.

2.  For every car that tries to pass you that you speed up and block from passing you get 10 points.

3.  If a car passes you successfully it’s minus 5 points.

4.  Every time someone beeps the horn at you, you get a point.

5.   Every time some one flips you the bird you get 2 points.

6.  If you get pulled over by the police and escape with nothing more than a smile and laugh you get 100 points.

7.  If you get pulled over by the police and get a ticket (not sure for what) you get minus 25 points.

8.  If you have to stop and pee and anyone passes you lose 1 point per car.

9.  If you have to stop and pee and leave the car in the road blocking anyone from passing, you get a 20 point bonus.

10.  If by chance a car of elderly males pulls up and asks you to have a drink you win automatically.

11.  If you are within 5 miles an hour of the posted speed you enter the neutral speed activation range in which you score no points for adding cars behind you.

12.  Any spillage of beer or droppage of David results in a 10 point scoring deduction.

You alternate driving every 2 hours.  The first driver to 200 wins.  The length of the game is until it is over.

Game starts next weekend…gotta go car shopping today….heheheheheheh

YEEE FUCKING HA!

Holy fucking shit – the Sun already began it’s solar cycle # 25, totally, I mean totally skipping solar cycle #24.  Holy fucking shit!  You can read about it here http://xrt.cfa.harvard.edu/resources/pubs/savc0707.pdf . Also if you can translate the following into english I would appreciate it:  

 The velocity of this transverse motion is, on average, 20kms−1. The direction of the transverse motion, in combination with the standard reconnection model for jet production (e.g. Shibata et al. 1992), reflects the magnetic polarity orientation of the ephemeral active region at the base of the jet. From this signature, we find that during the present minimum phase of the solar cycle the jet-base ephemeral active regions in the polar coronal holes had a preferred east-west direction, and that this direction reversed during the cycle’s progression through minimum.

I ain’t stupid but what the fuck does that mean.  Do I need to build that underground solar cycle #26 shelter yet?  Yikes.

How about this paragraph:

Holy crap bat boy, I can barely see the computer screen it’s covered in blood and brain matter because my fucking head just exploded.  Damn these dudes are wicked smart.

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on.
He took a face from the ancient gallery and then he walked on down the hall.
He went into the room where his sister lived and then he paid a visit to his brother and then he walked on down the hallway.

He came to a door and looked inside………

and sure enough, what did he see, the damn sun in it’s 25th cycle, leaving the poor 24th cycle to wonder what it did to get skipped like it was chopped fucking liver.

So I got an email the other day and it simply said, “What the fuck have you been up to and why aren’t you writing?”

It caused me to pause and think, hmmmm what the fuck have I been up to and why aren’t I writing?  I immediately opened the next 15 emails that promised me that they’d enlarge my penis to a size that would be astronomical and maybe the cause for the sun to skip yet another solar cycle.

How long is a solar cycle.  No offense ladies but we can only hope its nothing like the menstrual cycle.  According to some internet resources the solar cycle is determined by counting the placement and frequency of sunspots on the sun.  The cycle historically has ranged from 9 to 14 years.  YIKES!

Here’s a cool website dedicated to the Solar and Heliospheric atmosphere….wicked photos….http://sohowww.nascom.nasa.gov/data/realtime/eit_171/512/ 

Getting back to the email…..I’ve had a terrible case of writers block and to be honest hating the world.  Or at least the world I’ve created.  But who the fuck wants to hear my whiny ass shit.

Gotta go, will write soon.  I have been working on my time machine and it’s just about ready to go.  Go where, who the hell knows, but go we will and I look forward to having you along for the ride.

Till then…….

My fave dead tune.  For those in the know, what song is it typically proceeded by…….hehehehehe

I know you, rider, gonna miss me when Im gone;
I know you, rider, gonna miss me when Im gone;
Gonna miss your baby, from rolling in your arms.

Laid down last night, lord, I could not take my rest;
Laid down last night, lord, I could not take my rest;

My mind was wandering like the wild geese in the westThe sun will shine in my back door someday.
The sun will shine in my back door someday.
March winds will blow all my troubles away.

I wish I was a headlight, on a north bound train;
I wish I was a headlight, on a north bound train;
Id shine my light through cool Colorado rain.

I know you, rider, gonna miss me when Im gone;
I know you, rider, gonna miss me when Im gone;
Gonna miss your baby, from rolling in your arms.

Damn, I love when the karmic world throws you a softball toss that you can smash over the fence for a home run.  Today, was one of those karmic home run days.  It was a day I met a new friend, his name is Chris.

I am a big believer that things happen for reasons.  Today was a good lesson.

Chris….can be found at www.kidswhoroam.com  .   The fact our paths crossed was karma working at its best.

Chris is on a journey of discovery.  A journey that I am not sure will ever end.  The discovery is the journey, that’s how it always works, that’s how it’s suppose to work.  It’s never about the destination it’s about the journey.  What’s the German word….wanderlust.

Chris and I talked for a while, I have to admit I was jealous.  Jealous of his freedom to wander and his ability to wander.  Still dealing with my leg issue the ability to wander is something that still challenges me physically.

When I really think about it, as much as I would love to wander, I am not sure I’d ever have the security of person to wander.  Most of my wandering is spent between my ears and trust me, there’s a lot of room to wander in there.

So I say to all of you pozitoodinally righteous fools – when you see that person wandering up the road with a heavy backpack on, stop, open your door and give them a lift.  Who knows what journey they are on and what journey they’ll engage you in. 

Chris, enjoy your journey, I can’t wait till our paths cross again.

And now a little ditty from Jethro Tull…damn I love these lyrics:

Meanwhile back in the year One — when you belonged to no-one —
you didn’t stand a chance son, if your pants were undone.
`Cause you were bred for humanity and sold to society —
one day you’ll wake up in the Present Day —
a million generations removed from expectations
of being who you really want to be.

Skating away —
skating away —
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

So as you push off from the shore,
won’t you turn your head once more — and make your peace with everyone?
For those who choose to stay,
will live just one more day —
to do the things they should have done.
And as you cross the wilderness, spinning in your emptiness:
you feel you have to pray.
Looking for a sign
that the Universal Mind (!) has written you into the Passion Play.

Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

And as you cross the circle line, the ice-wall creaks behind —
you’re a rabbit on the run.
And the silver splinters fly in the corner of your eye —
shining in the setting sun.
Well, do you ever get the feeling that the story’s
too damn real and in the present tense?
Or that everybody’s on the stage, and it seems like
you’re the only person sitting in the audience?

Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

I am updating an old post (from February 2007), for a friend.

Well almost updating it, first up is walking Otis the Wonder Dog outside for his morning pee and poop.

Me walking Otis is not a pretty sight.  Actually Otis walks me in the sort of way a boat drags it’s anchor across the bottom of a lake or ocean.

Wow, what a morning here in the Pioneer Valley.  It is already 74 degrees yikes.  Hold on, what’s that sound, yep it’s Al Gore voice echoing through the trees. 

Is there anything better than sitting out with that fresh cup of coffee listening to the world come alive on a glorious Sunday morning.   The smells of the morning are amazing including the fresh Otis poop – better outside than in the house.

I am sure you all know someone who is a list-giver.  You know the person who manages their expectations of people through the distribution of assignments organized in columns via hardcopy (paper) or email.  I envy such people. 

I envy their ability to be that organized and that precise.   I think my world would be easier if I could become one of these people because I still have way too much to do. 

One of my many problems is that the simple activity of making a list of what needs to get done is exhausting.  The thought of having to put together a list usually paralyzes me into non-activity. 

I just can’t put together a list.

Well that’s not true, I can put together a list, I just don’t feel like putting together a list at this moment or any moment in the future. 

A wise friend of mine once said of procrastination, “Why do today what you may not have to do tomorrow.”  I love that thought.  Unfortunately I have found my friends guidance a wee bit, how shall I say, misguided.  You see, when something ends up on the “to do” list it never, ever ends up on the “you don’t need to do it” list.  

Last week I had a significant setback to the attainment of completing said lists, yes, I had to fire my third shift.  Not because of any slowdown in the economy or the non arrival of TARP or stimulus package funds.  Nope, I had to fire my third shift because they didn’t do shit.

That’s right, they didn’t do shit.  

Every morning I woke up and nothing on my “to do” list was done, NOTHING.

Lazy, that’s what they were, just plain lazy.  

Unless I am around to motivate them they spend all night lounging about drinking beer, ingesting any synaptic provocateur they can get their hands on and chasing lime green Lemurs while giving Paris Hilton a piggyback ride.  Ughh!  

So now I have to hire a new third shift.  The training alone is going to take me forever. 

I just finished putting together an on-line advertisement for the team and yes Mike E I am saving the Supervisor job for you.

Wanted - multi-talented figments of my imagination to work on my personal “to do” list while I sleep comfortably in bed.  Compensation is commensurate with experience.  Apply within…..

How cool would that be – your own personal third shift.  You know a team of folks that will pick up the slack and work on your personal list of things to do while you sleep and dream about your “don’t need to do it list.”   

Is there such thing as a “you don’t need to do it” list?  Hmmm, I like the concept.  You compile the list during the day of things you don’t need to do and then at the end of the day you can check them all of as not being done.

What a satisfying way to end the day.  Everything on the list would not be done.  The ultimate sense of achievement.  I just started my list for today:

Sunday -You Don’t Need To Do List

Paint the dog
Mow the carpet
Shave the neighbors cat
Bury nuclear waste in backyard
Run the Kentucky Derby
Carve a idol god
Rake the bathtub
Find my lost skull and bones tree house key
Make a concrete canoe

Wow – I am feeling better already!  I haven’t done shit and already have gotten a lot accomplished.

 Gotta go, someone just applied for the third shift and my subconscious wants to interview them ASAP.

Ciao

Some Earth Day Haiku

Al Gore says we suck
We are killing the planet
Cheney is an douche

Plant a tree today
Recycle all of the trash
Cheney is a douche

Monkeys fly at dawn
Their carbon footprint is small
Cheney is a douche

Celebrate the earth
It is not that bad a place
Cheney is a douche

Your carbon footprint
Should be smaller everyday
Cheney is a douche

Solar power rocks
Even though it is cloudy
Cheney is a douche

Say hi to a tree
Celebrate life in grand style
Earth Day is Today

Ha, gotcha – cheney is still a douche

Happy, happy pozitoodinal love folks.  It’s a chilly, damp New England morning here in the Happy Valley, a mere day before Earth Day 2009.  What are your plans for Earth Day?  Me, I am bringing my drum and going to UMASS for a celebration tomorrow afternoon that ends with a drum circle.  Not sure how my out of rhythm drumming will help the earth but it will make me feel better.

I have a challenge to all you stoners out there who spent the day and night celebrating April 20th (420).  For those “not cool” folks out there the phrase “420″ has become synonymous with weed, pot, dope, maryjane, marijuana smoking.  According to my homework it has nothing to do with any police code used to indicate pot smoking.  In fact, it was supposedly started by a group of kids around 1971 called the Waldo’s somewhere in California so they could coordinate when they were going to get together and smoke some weed.

Here’s the challenge to my friends of the stone age.  Tomorrow, put down the Xbox, Wii or Playstation remote controls, take the fucking ear buds outta your ears, quit texting on your cell phones and get your stoned ass outside and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to celebrate Earth day.  Simply pick up a few pieces of trash or recycle that Monster energy drink can you’re about to toss away.

Think about how much you could get done if you all put as much emphasis into Earth Day as you did rolling joint upon joint to celebrate April 20.  I don’t care if you get wicked baked and then go outside or if you go outside and get wicked baked.  JUST GET OUTTA THE HOUSE AND PARTICIPATE. 

It’s been almost 40 years since the first earth day celebration.  My first recollections of Earth day was participating in an earth day activity with our church youth group that included us cleaning trash out of the Wepawaug River.  The Wepawaug ran right through the our town and at the time was a stinking, disgusting eye sore.  When I say trash I am not just talking about papers, plastic bottles or beer cans, I am talking car tires, shopping carts and washing machines.  I remember being excited about walking in the nasty oil slick muddy ooze to capture another bald Goodyear tire.  I can only imagine what PCB encrusted gik was living in that mud. 

I am proud to be part of the generation that created Earth Day, damn proud.  I am also a little embarassed because in the grand scheme of things we’ve gotten so little done.  Let me rephrase that – I’ve gotten so little done and done so little.  So me typing all of this makes me an Earth Day hypocrite and that is going to change. 

Sure I thought I was cool when I bought my Prius in 2001, damn cool.  In reality it just balanced out the cycle because my other car was a Suburban.   Yep, one of those vehicles with a carbon footprint just a little smaller than that of a 737.

The new catch phrase is carbon footprint.  What’s your carbon footprint?  I’ve tried a few of those carbon footprint calculators on line and wanted to include one in this blog, however, I tried 5 of them with the same information and came back with 5 different results.  The only thing that each calculator had in common was when I had completed the evaluation they all pointed me to a site to send my to participate through a donation in something called a Carbon Offset Program.  Ughhh.  

I hope folks realize that it’s simply about money.  Earth day, needs support, sure money helps but incorporating the ideals of Earth Day into your everyday activities is far more important.

My household carbon footprint sucks.  We did put in a new hotwater heater and insulated the crap out of it as a start.  We still use way too much electricity.  We leave lights on when we shouldn’t, our television is way to big and our computers are not turned off consistently.  We have  four people in the house and 5 cars  and 4 televisions.  We never thinking about car pooling and our recycling is non existent.  Plus we all end up in different rooms with 4 televisions on at once.  We suck.  So for earth day 2009 that is going to change and here is the list I am going to share with my family:

1.  Car pool whenever possible
2.  Begin recycling immediately – bottles, cans, paper, plastic
3.  Start a compost pile
4.  Conserve water
5.  Expand the garden
6.  Work on the house to make it more energy efficient
7.  Change all the incandescent lightbulbs to fluorescent bulbs
8.  Tune up our cars – check air filters, tire pressure etc.
9.  Plant a few trees
10.  Try to buy locally whenever possible
11.  Get rid some televisions

Sure it’s going to cost a little to get this thing going at our house and their will be bumps in the process, the key is to start.  In the long run it’s all about doing something, no matter how big or small.  I am sure that if we all did a little, it would help a lot.

There’s a great saying you often find in the hiking or back packing community and it needs to be part of our everyday being, “Leave No Trace.”

Happy earth day.