The price is night

Hello loser. Hey you fucking loser. What, are you trying to sleep? So here it comes. Every fucking thing I’ve fucked up, everyone I’ve hurt, everything I’ve lost decides at this moment to come flooding back into my conscious thought process. Oh no, you couldn’t keep quiet tucked into my subconscious. You couldn’t be satisfied with knowing it’s only a matter of time before I add to the considerable pile stashed in the recessed corners of my mind. Oh no, it’s time. I can hear my conscious Bob Barker shouting, “come on down, the price is fucking right, let’s fuck with him now.”

I’d pay big pharmaceutical dollars to not be typing onto this screen at this moment. I’d love to be in a blissful pharmacological stupor. I’d love to not have fucked up literally everything in my life.

The voices are so loud tonight. Louder than they’ve been in a long time. I keep feeding them. I don’t mean to but it all stays inside. It all stays inside.

My earliest memories are of the screaming voices in my head. Not playing in the backyard on a sunny day, not swinging on a swing, not some warm family moment captured forever on the cover of some hallmark card. I remember the feeling of the screaming in my head. I remember how the screaming in my head made me feel. It hurt my stomach.

It’s funny, I don’t recall ever being able to discern words. It was more the physical impact of the screaming inside my head. I guess it’s like people’s reactions to the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. But not really.

A recoil. How do you recoil from a sound in your head. Unlike the blackboard you can’t physically move away from sounds in your head.

Ormond Street. Right off of Bridgeport avenue. That’s where I first heard them. Actually, that’s where I first felt them.

I remember trying to cover my ears so I couldn’t hear them. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. Nothing works.

It’s okay though. They’re my noise and my voices. Weird though, they are not my screams.

There you go, are you happy now? You bastards of cranial cacophony.

Don’t be afraid, it’s all in my head.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Karma Gargoyles

The karma gargoyles are loud tonight. I like when they’re loud, It means that they’ve evened a score somewhere for someone. I don’t mind that the sound of the crunching and snapping of bones keeps me awake.

It’s a good awake. At least for me. Somewhere, someone didn’t enjoy the night. Somewhere, someone incurred the wrath of the karma gargoyles.

Somewhere, someone is no more. Somewhere karma evened the score.

They are going crazy tonight. I never realized how much the snapping of bones sounds like branches breaking. Based on what I can hear it sounds like a karma ice storm hit a whole bunch of people tonight.

The karma gargoyles aren’t quick. Sometimes it takes them a while to react. They do have a pretty full agenda.

Ouch, that was a juicy one. I think I heard a little splatter after that snap.

I love these little stone enforcers of the good way. May your pozitoodinal righteousness light up the night.

Rock on you bone snapping righters off wrong, eveners of scores and balancers of the day. Rock on.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Good night to you Mr. Robin Williams

“When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.”. Robert Pirzig

Robin Williams, you were a blessed event, thank you. Rest in peace

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Company We Keep

The company we keep is all in my head
it’s safer that way
Given what gets said
Sometimes it’s laughter
and sometimes it’s not
Banter and chatter
it’s all what we thought

The company we keep is all in my head
it’s safer that way
That’s what she said
Sometimes it’s laughter
and sometimes it’s not
A complex disaster
Of emotions and thought

The company we keep is all in my head
Alone in a crowd
A feeling of dread
We look in the mirror
They’re laughing at me
The picture is clearer
It’s only one we can see

The company we keep is all in my head
Strike up the band
It’s a long road ahead
Let’s all sing along
Thou we can’t hear a note
The noise is too strong
Don’t touch the remote

The company we keep is all in my head
It’s standing room only
says the sign overhead
We ask them to stop
and they laugh at me more
Climb up to the to top
We know we can soar

The company I keep is all in my head
it’s safer that way
Given what gets said
Sometimes it’s laughter
and sometimes it’s not
Banter and chatter
it’s all what I thought

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

yesterday, today and tomorrow

What the fuck happened to yesterday and why is tomorrow so pissed off at today?

Yesterday is pissed because yesterday knows it’s all but forgotten. What really pisses off tomorrow is that it may never happen and if it does happen it’s today and tomorrow is still left waiting.

Time is a funny thing. Not in the true sense of funny but in more of an ironic way.

I heard someone say today that, “they have too much time on their hands.”

What? How can you have too much time? There is never enough time. I told them I’d be happy to take the time off their hands. I mean really, who can’t use more time.

They looked at me like I was crazy. “I can’t give you my time, it’s my time, not yours,” they said.

“Come on,” I said, “you said you had too much. I’m just trying to help you lighten your time load.”

“Piss off, I don’t have time for this” they said as they walked away shaking their head.

“What,” I said. “You just said you had too much time on your hands and now you say you don’t have time for this? Make up your fucking mind you time pyscho. I mean really, it would be time well spent.”

They picked up their pace and continued to walk away.

For a moment I thought about clubbing them in the head and knocking them out and taking their time. But then I looked at my watch and realized I didn’t have the time so I let them go.

Time is a relentless bastard. Like it’s cousin gravity but worse. At least gravity is predictable….for the most part. Time is a real fucker. Just when you think you have plenty of it you don’t.

That’s why it’s important to make the most of time. If you assume time it will bite you in the ass. When time does present itself to you, you need to hop on that motherfucker and ride it for all it’s worth because it’s today, not tomorrow and not yesterday. Hop on today and enjoy. Here’s to tomorrow becoming today.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Huh?

There are so many things I want to write about but I haven’t thought of them yet.

Sometimes I do think of them but then, when I try to remember what it was I was thinking about, I forget.

Sometimes I forget what I forgot. That is really confusing. I mean how can I possibly remember when I can’t remember what I forgot in the first place.

What the hell was I doing? Oh yeah, trying to remember what I haven’t thought about because I want to write about it.

Write about it? How can I write about it if I haven’t thought it yet?

Maybe I already thought about it but I can’t remember thinking about it.

So if I think I thought about it but couldn’t remember thinking I thought about it did I really think I thought about thinking it?

I think I shouldn’t think so much.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

What’s in the Till?

I have lots of empty pages that I feel the need to fill.

I have lots of pens filled with ink waiting for me to spill.

My doctor says don’t worry and gives me another pill.

My empty coffee sits near the window, yes it’s on the sill.

I push it to the edge and try to recover because it’s a thrill.

I wish people didn’t feel the need to hurt and to kill.

When the voices in my head all talk at once it’s a shrill.

The chances of them stopping is less than nill.

Just shut the hell up be quiet, be still.

It’s your choice not ours even though it’s your will.

My life is a promise that I never will fulfill.

I wonder why my parents didn’t name me Dennis?

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized